Em the Femme

A Friday Fill In to Fill the Blank Space

2011-05-05T20:44:00.003-04:00

1. Jeopardy is my favorite TV show (or movie) because I adore trivia, and it makes me feel like I'm giving my brain a workout.

2. Go to page 45 of the book you're reading or of the book closest to you; go to the 6th paragraph and make a sentence out of 7 words from it: Our ancestors offered to deliver horrible emotions.

3. I am getting married.

4. Usually I like long walks.

5. Take some time to think about the effects of your words.

6. My meds need a bit of adjusting before moving.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner with my fiancée and mom, tomorrow my plans include being sexy with my fiancée and Sunday, I want to have a peaceful Mother's Day lunch with my grandparents who actually invited both of us to lunch!

Guess WHAT????

2011-04-15T20:18:00.001-04:00

So I'm getting married!!! To the girl I've posted about a few times. It started out as a very rocky thing, because we moved in together way too quickly, she'd decided to go off her meds, and I needed a new one. So it got a little crazy. And it will always be complicated with both our problems, but I love her so much. No one has ever understood me like she does. No one really sees me like she does. I don't let people touch me and I don't open up to people like that. So everything is good.

Fuck U-Haul.

2010-10-04T13:13:00.002-04:00

So let's skip most of the backstory here. I ended up getting back together with R, it has been wonderful, and now she is living with me. I feel cliche with that, but she had to be out of her current place really soon, and I thought this could work. We'll see.

Holy cow. She has as many space/emotion issues as I do. Well, more really. I don't regret having her here, it was my idea although she was right there with me thinking about it, but it's hard not having control of everything in my house. She is an adult and makes her own decisions and has her own needs, and it's very hard for me not to get angry when she makes decisions I don't like. When we have issues about emotional stuff, she thinks it through by leaving for a while. I get hurt that she doesn't want to be with me, even though I often do the same thing. I love being alone sometimes. But now that she's here it's like my fucking borderline came right back. I don't want to start being manipulative. And right now she's on my couch crying. And it looks like she wants nothing to do with me. Deep down I really do like someone there when I cry, but only when it's a very trusted person which explains why I rarely cry in front of people. I am hurt but really the worst feeling is being out of control. I can't make her do anything. I'm just exiled to another part of the house because she wants to be alone. And yes, I know. She is perfectly entitled to alone time, especially in a small apartment. But I have such a fear of lack of control AND being left behind that things like this really get me. When she gets out of bed in the middle night to go "think things through" on the couch, I can't sleep after that. I stay up tossing and turning, wishing she would just stay in bed and talk to me.

Will it be like this every day? I can't handle that. We all have our moments but every single day of this will be so hard to live with. I need my home to be calm. And if this is going on, plus getting up in the middle of the night all the time, I will spend ALL my time tired and tense. I can't do that. I spent last night with awful tremors and a racing heart. My doctor says it is probably a side effect of one of my meds but maybe not, you know? I have some tremors when I am totally relaxed and about to go to sleep. But last night it was so scary. It's never been like that before. And when we were having sort of almost sex kind of, my right arm shook in sets of three as if there were 3 separate muscles there and it made my arm shake violently. It was scary. And afterwards I didn't just get the usual shaking like you do after some good time with your girl, it was more violent and it lasted for a long time.

I'm exhausted because we've hardly slept, mostly due to the fact that she has had issues and has either needed to talk or has gone on the couch, which means I can't sleep. So I think my sore throat is partially due to that. I cannot HANDLE this. I want to be able to handle it. I love her, I really do. But I don't know how to make this work. I can't do the serious stuff every day. I need fun and lighthearted. When I get back from school I need calm. I feel like I am losing my independence. How do married people do this? I do want her around but it is sinking in how much I am giving up and changing to do this.

I'm tired and sick and I don't know what to do.

Girl advice. Oh women and their estrogen.

2010-08-19T12:32:00.004-04:00

Hi, I'm back. I need to vent and I have questions. So this girl, R. We've been doing email for over a week since she's been on a retreat. We don't know each other REALLY well, although we've accomplished 8 hours of talking in 2 days (in person). So we're getting there. And we feel close. She feels the connection too. I really like her. But I just saw even more red flags. If I'm being ridiculous, please tell me. If you have any advice, I'm welcoming that as well. I won't get upset or anything, I'm just wondering what to do. I don't want to just leave this without a good reason. And keep in mind this is after she insisted she was like a certain TV character who carries a lot of emotional baggage and takes it out on others (and has a really annoying voice, and is a doctor, hint hint). I can't fault her for having her views on sex shaped by her past because mine is too. And she's alluded to past trauma and how she opens up to few but she feels she can to me which is great but hey it's very early for serious talking and now I feel responsible for her mental health. Anyway.

Late last night I got an email from her saying that she needed to wait a few days to see me after getting home, and said her deep dark places came up and she needed to take care of those before seeing me. I guess she had been crying and she just wasn't in the right place right now to see anyone. I get all that. Sometimes we need a few days. But that combined with all of her insinuations about past trauma and making jokes about her life being one big crisis just makes me wonder. I responded to her last night by saying something like, if you have to do your thing, do your thing. I have to be getting ready for school but at some point let me know you're around around and we can do something then. If there's too much going on to get me all up in it, that's OK too. I just need to know.

I thought that was fair. I was half asleep but I got the point across. The last thing I want is to be in a position where I'm playing therapist. I want an equal. I have trauma too. I still have times where I need to go be alone because something brought up a flashback. But it has come up so many times in this very new thing (we have only gone on a couple dates and been emailing for a few weeks) makes me think that it's way too new to do anything with me.

I like the idea that we can grow together, because some things can't be dealt with until you can actually apply them. For example, a lot of my sexual issues can't be dealt with until it actually happens, and then I can help retrain myself not to dissociate. But I am so scared that it is going to turn into something where we both can't live without each other and get all wrapped up in each other's trauma. Can't do it. Back in the day I would have told her my life story already. I've learned to STFU. And I love the new healthy me.

I typed that I wasn't sure if it was a crisis that precluded being with someone, because at the time she hadn't explained it (she was moving and was really sad at leaving her roomie's dog behind). She had started typing, but as soon as I said I was leaving she just said goodbye. I'm afraid it might be the case.

Any ideas on how to proceed? How to find out if she's ready? If this can be healthy? Like I said, because of our connection, I'm reluctant to just cut it off. At least not unless I KNOW it's bad. and I don't know yet. I am just scared. I'm scared of getting into something I can't get out of. I'm scared of the thought of sitting around rehashing stuff I've worked for years to put behind me. I'm just scared. I'm ready to handle a healthy relationship. But I need her to be the same way. Or at least willing to work really really hard.

Also, check out the new tattoo! It means I have conquered. It's directly below scars on my wrist. So yes the tattoo is visible but easy to cover with bracelets, and the location is significant. I'm totally in love with it. What I like about this picture is that it's evident how much happier and calmer I am. It feels so good to be alive and healthy and bright and shiny.

I'm back!

2010-08-16T18:24:00.004-04:00

Hi there. Remember me? I have all sorts of fun things to tell y'all. First of all, I'm FINALLY happy. Truly, honestly, happy. I haven't been this happy, satisfied, and calm in 10 years, almost exactly. And it's because I kept demanding a proper diagnosis and didn't rest until I found one, and then not until I found a doctor who validated my fears about medication side effects. I finally found both of those things. I'm on a blend of medications that is perfect for me. I've also lost 20 pounds. Mostly due to eating less meat and just being aware of what I eat and not going above my calorie limit. So life is good. I FEEL better as well as looking thinner.

I also met a girl. Before you make any assumptions, I was just as happy with life before I met her. I'm extra excited right now but my happiness is not tied to other people. I feel very connected to her for many reasons. However, she compared herself to a TV character who is generally noted to have lots of drama and lots of baggage. That sent a major red flag. I have had drama in my past as well, but I'm over it. And I couldn't even think of dating someone until I was happy with myself and not constantly be affected by my past. I just hope that her past is behind her enough to really have a relationship that isn't codependent. Nothing is wrong now. I just keep steering away from serious conversations because we've just met. It's not time for that. I am not ready to make myself vulnerable to her, nor do I want her to open herself up THAT much to me now. There is time for that. Right now I'm just enjoying being with her. We enjoy talking and that's new for me. The whole talking while sitting on opposite ends of the couch thing. People do that? But at the same time, like I said, I'm keeping my emotions to myself. At least the complicated heavy ones.

It's strange looking at relationships this way. I was always the one pouring my heart out to people, jumping into bed with them, and forming strong attachments very early on. I was the essence of borderline. Inside sometimes I still feel that way, but not overall. It's hard for me to believe that I'm the one guarding myself. But it's truly what I want. The last thing I need is to get so involved and codependent that I lose focus. I can't afford to do that with the kind of job I have. But right now, it's going just fine. I think she got the hint that I'm not ready to talk about these things. Someday.

I get the feeling she will want to wait a long time before sex. That's hard for me to get my mind around, but I think it will be good for me. I don't want to push her, and often when I start the sexual part of a relationship, the other parts go out the window. So maybe if I wait, there can be a proper balance between sex, conversation, and just being with each other without touching.

If you've read through this whole thing, congrats. I suppose I'm long winded since it's been a while since I've posted. But here's me. I'm thinner and very happy. Also, my cleavage looks fucking awesome.

2010-05-31T17:31:00.003-04:00

I just came so hard my hand is shaking. Just one, for some reason. I have it really bad for a straight girl. My gaydar went WAY off when I saw her and when I found out she wasn't gay, I was shocked. We spend a considerable amount of time talking and man. She's hot, athletic, and likes teaching. Perfect! Except for the straight thing. Don't get me wrong, I love my straight friends, but when I want to date them the straight thing gets in the way.

She came to the bar with me the other night when I was hanging out with my brother and uncle. And today my mind just wandered and I imagined she followed me into the bathroom and kissed me, and then I did something totally un-me. I put HER up against the wall and made her arch her back and yell as loudly as she'd dare.

Operation Toaster Oven has commenced. I want this girl. And now that she is no longer subbing at my school, it's open field.

And if the sex is anything like this just was, I won't want to leave my bedroom all summer. I have a blissfully child free summer. I love being a teacher. And I love liking girls.

Tumblr

2010-04-11T20:53:00.003-04:00

Still alive. Entry coming soon. To hold you over, I got a tumblr, and it's full of pretty girls in varying degrees of nakedness. Find it here!

My thoughts on self injury, the day after

2010-03-08T18:18:00.005-05:00

"I was trying to get equilibrium from two extremes: either I was so upset that I had to cut myself to relieve it, or I was so numb that I had to cut myself to get back to being there." Women Living with Self Injury

Well, there was that. The marks were gone this morning. I was disappointed. I like marks. I carry my history on my skin and I'm a little proud of that, as twisted as it is.

I know why I'm feeling weird about this cutting business. I had a revelation, driving to Taco Bell to get some cheap comfort food. I talked to BFF earlier and sounded very calm about the whole thing. And I was last night, in a way. See, the ache was inside. The butterflies were. But my head was calm and my voice was even. I explained that I think of it like my X@n@x (I'm hoping this will help eliminate spam commenters): a quick fix that works, even though as a habit it's bad. I'm using pain to medicate my anxiety. And it works quite well. To me, it's like taking my medicine. No stigma. To me, that is. But since I've been on this L@mictal, my speech is even and calm. My thoughts move at a normal pace and do not make me dizzy. I can think about things in a logical order and contemplate the possible effects of my actions.

However, my medicine does not take away the feeling. The feeling that makes me cut. It's hard to imagine. I feel my ache in the same spot, near my stomach, and I point to it when I talk about it. Think about the achy feeling you get when you break up with someone. The panic you feel when you think you're losing them. The dread of something looming in the future. All of those feelings put together is what I feel like when I'm scared or sad and I want to cut. Cutting makes it go away. Not forever, but for the moment. And it helps me sleep. But my speech belies my emotion.

Before I took medicine, I was a much more intense person. Not to say that I'm boring now, but there was a definite difference. That's part of both bipolar and borderline. I don't get the rushes I did then. So even though I want to cut, I don't get the rush of thoughts that come out in my speech, making it seem like I'm faking. And this whole slow thing makes me WANT to cut. I miss that feeling.

I want my rushes back. I want the adrenaline, the heart pounding, and the swirling thoughts. I felt alive. So yeah, I'd cut to get that back.

Now that I've figured that out, maybe I can find other ways to calm down. I don't know. But it scares me that I'm so calm about it. It means the next time I feel bad, I'll feel no qualms about just going right ahead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Relevant Quotes I got from here

The plain fact of it was that I was miserable—though my misery wasn’t so much sadness as it was a shrieking unease, a gnawing despair, which I had been trying that morning to cut out of myself. –Caroline Kettlewell, Skin Game

I started cutting because at a particular point in my life I ran afoul of a certain unique set of circumstances for which neither experience nor my own emotional constitution had equipped me. I can’t say what precise conjunction of factors led me to choose self-mutilation as my recourse, nor can I say how my life might have been different if any one of these factors had been otherwise. All I can say is that my skin itself seemed to cry out for an absolution in blood.
I kept cutting, because it worked. When I cut, I felt better for a while. When I cut, my life no longer overwhelmed me. I felt too keenly the threat of chaos, of how things can get away from you in a thousand ways… Entropy keeps eating at the ramparts, and I cut to try to shore them up. –ditto

I stopped cutting because I always could have stopped cutting; that’s the plain and inelegant truth. No matter how compelling the urge, the act itself was always a choice. I had no power over the urge, but the act itself was always a choice. I had no power over the flood tide of emotions that drove me to that brink, but I had the power to decide whether or not to step over. Eventually I decided not to.
Stopping, however, was not at all the same thing as ending the desire. Even now, I still sometimes ache with a fierce, organic need for cutting’s seductive, minimalist simplicity. I expect that I will always be the kind of person who is too much aware of the boundlessness of chaos; it’s like having an unfortunate sixth sense, alive to the teeming, invisible undercurrents of anarchy streaming past us as every moment. I don’t say it makes me stronger, or more interesting, or gives me character; it’s just a part of my fabric of self. –ditto

It serves a lot of functions in my life. I use it as a way to punish myself, I use it as a way to medicate myself, I use it for the tension release when things get too strong or too built up. –Meredith, in Jane Wegscheider Hyman’s Women Living with Self-Injury

When I’'m done, after this big huge buildup, then there’s an overwhelming feeling of calmness, an overwhelming sense of peace. –ditto

My wounds
do the weeping
I cannot.
–S. Marie

Help.

2010-03-07T21:40:00.003-05:00

I went through things in the attic. I found old joiurnal entries, some marked with blood from when I cut while I was writing. It brought back vivid memories of nights that I've talked about so often that I feel numb to them, but when I read these pages, it was written so close to the event that it seemed more real to me. I felt off for the rest of the day.

I went to The Creep's facebook page (we're not friends but he's friends with a lot of mine). His profile picture is him with some girl. This girl is very attractive. She's someone I would hit on. She has better hair than me. I got all funny feeling.

And now I want to cut. I haven't wanted to this much in a while. I avoided the hardware aisle in the drugstore because I knew I'd want to buy razors. I have sharp knives here but I have to be careful with those. I don't want to cut too much. It is very controlled.

The scars on my legs are like tally marks. How many times have I felt chaos inside? How many times have I needed to make it go away?

I need to go to sleep. I want to be rested for school. If I start the Monday off tired, it throws my whole week off. But I want to make my insides quiet.

*five minutes passes*

I tried to cut. It didn't work. The blade is too dull and if I pull it along my skin, it's a long knife and I'm afraid it would make a long cut. One that would need medical attention, which I want to avoid. I'm very careful and methodical about this. I always have been. So I scratched. I didn't draw blood but I left a lot of red stinging skin. I feel a little quieter. Not as good as if I had cut, but better. Maybe able to sleep.

I hadn't self injured in 2 years. Fuck.

A long goodbye.

2010-01-31T16:38:00.003-05:00

I don't really write here anymore. I suppose I don't know what to write about. I wish I didn't have to compartmentalize my life and my blogs.

I think I'm going to leave this one be for a while. Come visit me at this address here to read about my daily life adventures with being a teacher and having mental health issues. This blog has served its purpose. I will come back to it when I need to. So don't unsubscribe it from your reader or anything. If you come read, read my other blog. I'm on my way to updating it right now.

Wait, who?

2010-01-10T21:17:00.000-05:00

So, you know how I said I was so happy?

Yeah, I take that back. I cried in therapy Friday for the first time in a long time. I don't cry much anymore, but before I knew what was happening, I felt tears not only in my eyes but sliding out down to my temples...my head was tilted sideways, in my hands. I was starting to talk about how I am fitting into my new identity, and figuring out what that is. Loren asked me how I felt about that. Cue the tears.

How does it feel? Well, it feels like I've stepped into someone else's skin. It doesn't fit. I can move around like I did before, but the way my body responds is unfamiliar. I look at myself in the mirror. I see hair growing out, a nice sweater, and nice makeup. I have a counter full of vegetables and tofu in the freezer. These might all be objectively good things, but they are foreign to me. Me, the fresh-faced, hoodie wearing, spiky haired, Taco-Bell eating person.

What I cannot figure out, and what's impossible to ever know, is if this is really Em minus bipolar, or if this is Em On Medication; medication that changed my personality and preferences. I hate the thought that so much of my identity was wrapped up in bipolar. I WANT to feel wild and crazy. I want my spark back. I'm boring myself. I used to be opinionated and interesting. Now I sit at home eating tofu reading books. I'm not ready for this. I don't want to take my medicine. I can't even take pictures. I can't see things anymore. I miss the person I was. I'm grieving for her.

The more people tell me I seem different, the worse I feel. I just want to know if this is the real me. What IS the real me?

And I still get irritable so it's not as if I'm a zombie with no mood changes. I guess my lightning fast flashes are gone. I should wait and settle into myself for a while, I know. If I go off this particular med for 3 days, I have to start all the way back and titrate back up. That would really screw with me, as well as make the side effects resurface. And also, that means I'd have to get the prescription for the starter pack and that means telling my doctor. She would not be happy. And I'm a people pleaser.

It all just feels so strange. I'm glad I don't spend all my time angry or down, but I'm not sure about all these changes. Just not sure.

2010-01-05T19:31:00.002-05:00

Hey beautiful people
I know I've been gone. I've been too busy to really consider many of the things I discuss here.

I'm so happy. Lamictal saved my life. For the first time in, oh, 8 years, I feel...sane. Normal. I'm not being dragged around by my emotions. My entire identity revolved around my emotions and mood swings. So much of it was tied to my bipolar. Now that it's taken care of, I don't know what to do with myself or who the hell I am. I'll write more about that later.

I want some vegetarian recipes. I'm not sure I'm actually going totally veggie, but definitely cutting down on meat. And also, how do you people eat vegetables? I grew up in a meat and potatoes family. No idea how to eat veggies except in salad, and that can get boring unless it's spiced up. Help!

PS-I've been having trouble with spam commenters. I might have to add the word verification on here, even though it's a pain. Sorry. I'm just tired of deleting the spam.

Teacher blog

2009-12-15T19:31:00.002-05:00

I haven't bveen posting much lately. My mind is full of school things. If you'd like to read about my school updates, and non-sex things, go HERE and read my awesome blog there. I'm not closing this or anything, but I needed a family friendly place to update people about work which is what I am doing most of the time now.

Coming home

2009-12-04T23:04:00.005-05:00

Well.

That was all I had written since Monday afternoon and now it is Wednesday. It's very difficult to explain this. But I will try. I feel like I'm coming back from something. Coming home. That reminds me of Ellis's song Coming Home to You. She's my favorite musician. I've seen her in concert twice and am totally in love with her. She makes me all giggly and starstruck when she's in the same room.
Ellis (ignore the grain, I accidentally left the ISO at frickin 1600):

Back to the point. I've been horribly irritable for several weeks, which followed a depression of about a month. I was irritable until last week. I would yell so loudly at my students that I scared myself. Everything set me off. I wasn't even fit to be teaching to be honest, but you can't take a sick day for being angry. Part of it had to do with my aide being out. She has missed probably a total of almost 4 weeks of school and it's only December. But either way, I was just plain angry. I could hardly get myself to school. I decided I needed to go back on Risperdal, I hated my job, I cried a lot, and I just wanted it to all be over. I called Mom all the time in the mornings so she could talk me down and I could start breathing normally again. Not last weekend, but the one before, something flipped the switch. I started to feel better. It wasn't perfect, but it was better. And then Thanksgiving break happened, which was wonderful. It was such a good time for a break. And then Monday I started to think about the difference in my words and thoughts. These ruminations were a combination of having to make a hair decision (appointment is on Friday) and making Christmas lists and deciding what style of clothes to ask for (my grandparents and parents require a rather specific list).

On the way to visit my therapist, I realized I may not want to make my hair neon anymore. And as I talked to her, I realized I felt this urge to grow my hair a little and not be so edgy. I do enjoy my bright hair, but sometimes I am edgy on purpose. I just want to calm down. And I want to wear some less masculine clothes. I don't want ruffles or anything, but I feel the need to be pretty. And it has to be pretty, not just attractive. I want to feel like a girl again. I want to be recognized as a female, as feminine, as a woman.

And now it is Thursday night. This is taking me forever.

Part of me looks the way I do because it jut comes naturally. I haven't been overly feminine in years, and I dress for comfort. But a lot of what I say is a result of what I've experienced. Loren asked me where it started. It can all be summed up in this name: Grace Marie. When I was still a part of this Christian community, I was asked not to date for a year. I decided that was ridiculous but decided to try it. Around the same time I fell for The Creep. To make a long story short, I just wanted to have a relationship, I kept getting stricter and stricter rules, people were watching me and analyzing me, and I rebelled on purpose because I felt so boxed in. I've never quite gotten over that.

Aaaand it's Friday night.

And just like I said before that I put up the gay shield so that people can hurt that, but not the real me, I realized I'm tired of putting up shields. And more than that, I'm tired of trying things on. I don't want to try anything else on. I just want to be ME. That's why I feel like I'm coming home. I'm coming home to ME. I don't know who I am, really, but I am starting to find out, and I want to continue finding out. Whoever I am, I can't be myself when I'm trying on all these different personas. I am who I am. `And for whatever reason, who I am is a lot quieter and calmer and less rebellious than I seem to people.

My fear is that I will never stand out again, if I stop wearing and dyeing and professing like I do. I don't want to be looked over, viewed as just conforming, or seen as a normal average girl. If I give up all of these things I put on, what is left?

Em the Femme the anonymous

2009-11-18T20:31:00.004-05:00

I got a little hurt tonight. I was with BFF eating dinner and she told me she'd read this blog. I was saying blog readers, plus her, were the only people who would know why I didn't go to MN over the weekend, and that's when it came out. She then got sheepish or something and said she unsubscribed. My stomach dropped.

See, here's why I don't tell anyone about it. For most people, it's because I get explicit and want to be out of the closet. Seriously out. And for those people to whom I am already out, there are just some things that don't need to be said. And most importantly, when I know my friends are reading it, I get sort of exhibitionist and I say things for their benefit, and when I am writing it is 100% tainted knowing that my friends will read it. I try not to think about who's reading it but it doesn't work. For some reason with online friends it doesn't matter. The lone friend reader reading this I've almost gotten used to him reading it. But not BFF. I felt betrayed. So I started furiously knitting very tightly and it came back to bite me the next row because it was almost too tight to work with. She said she was being nosy and wanted to know what was so secret I couldn't tell her. And she also said she wanted to understand. That's all fine and good, but ASK me.

I tried not to outwardly sulk. I was seething. A friend, well, fine. I'll deal with that. But her? That really really hurt. I was very explicit about wanting to keep my real life friends away from there. I even posted about it. So I sat there knitting, angry, and when the pizza came I got up to get water and must have looked upset. As I was walking into the kitchen she asked if I was upset. I said yes, but I'd get over it. She told me she understood why I was upset and that it was OK. And then she did what I had been waiting for this whole conversation. She apologized. And I felt better after that. She said it was OK for me to be mad at her for a while. But I told her she said what I needed to hear and so then I was OK. I felt better. I just wanted an apology. I didn't want her to feel bad (OK, maybe a little) but the apology signified that she knew she had hurt me and after that I could move on.

I'm grateful for my ability to post without real life repercussions. I'm sure they exist but with me trying so hard not to reveal personal information about my work/hometown I'm hoping my chances go way down.

This discussion about anonymity has made me realize how long it has been since I've taken any nudes. It is about time I do that. I haven't taken any self portraits in ages, save for the ones of my hair. I'm sad. I don't know if I lost my groove, or what. Maybe I just need to get back in the practice. I let my entire life revolve around my medication side effects and I am obsessed with going to bed early. Early means getting more than 8 hours, which means being asleep before 9:45. Ouch. I don't NEED to leave here until 7, but having an hour and 15 minutes to get ready is nice. I can check my mail, take a shower, eat some breakfast, pick out clothes...etc etc.

Anyway. I'll get on that and post some deliciously work inappropriate photos.

2009-11-16T20:50:00.002-05:00

I'll try and make this quick, as my goal is to turn my lights out in 10 minutes.

My therapist was so proud of me today when I told her what happened over the weekend. She thought it was a really good decision for me to be home. I felt really pressured to go even though there were so many things there that would have made me uncomfortable, but mostly due to the long drives and getting back so late, and my severe issues with traveling like that. And I'm a terrible passenger, especially with unfamiliar people who intimidate me. She congratulated me on keeping myself together and not cutting.

We talked about why I rebel sometimes. I don't always. At school, for example, I follow the rules and if I think someone is unhappy with me it freaks me out and I bend over backwards to fix it. Around other people, for example the people I would have been with this weekend and other similar acquaintances, I am scared to death. And I put up the gay shield. By the way, I just figured this all out today. This was a huge revelation.

See, if I put up the gay shield, and make it loud and clear I like girls and activism and Buddhism and falling asleep next to hot women after crazy sex in the candlelight (OK maybe I don't mention that part but man that was hot and I will explain it later), then they can judge that part. I KNOW how to respond to people disliking my sexuality. I do NOT know how to respond when people just don't like ME. I don't want them judging ME. See, I'm a shy and quiet person who is uncomfortable around unfamiliar people. I don't make good conversation with them. Therefore, I look pretty boring and awkward. And even without the gay thing, I don't buy into their brand of Christianity and I don't want them judging me for that either. So when I'm around people who intimidate me, and who I think might judge me, I put up this gigantic wall of gayness or Buddhism or whatever and then they can judge that and I'll deal, but the real me is safe. I can name 4 people with whom I can be myself, for real: Mom, Dad, LittleBrother, and BFF. That is IT. Anyone else, and I'm probably putting on a show or a mask.

I was going to wear a blazer and tie this weekend. It would have been cute, but it was also a "take that" to P (brother of the bride, friend), who said I would look good in blue (back when I liked him) and so at the time I decided to get a blue dress. He and I ended up being completely incompatible, and we ended up arguing and haven't talked a lot since. So when I thought about this weekend, and that, on top of which I would have been surrounded with tons of people who intimidate me over the weekend, I was like, no. What's the opposite of a nice feminine dress? So I was playing THAT role. The "I'm gay and rebellious and you can't hurt me" role.

Now the real me IS gay, and might be Buddhist, and is working on being sexually free, but I don't shout about any of them ALL the time.

Part of the problem is that I have trouble feeling like I have an identity. I know that everyone deals with that, but I have no idea. I can be one thing or another, like a teacher, or gay, or a photographer, or whatever, but I can't be all of them. It doesn't make sense to me. It's a trait of borderline personality disorder. not that everyone with this issue has BPD, but I do have it, and when I got my psych testing the doctor made sure to mention my identity diffusion, most common with adolescents.

OK, that was past 1o minutes, but I had to find my phone, and then talk to my brother about how I made a kid cry today. He was touching the only color printer in the school NOT owned by the office, and he would not stop. I physically guided him away from it and he insisted on going over there just to bug me. Normally I'd ignore him but it was expensive stuff. Finally I just screamed NO, and I mean screamed. He started to cry. I didn't feel bad. He has beat up on me and my paras SO much and has been a little snot. So no sympathy for him.

Bedtime.

A depressing post 100

2009-11-13T19:22:00.004-05:00

I was hoping my 100th post would be really super awesome. That's why I hadn't posted it yet. I was still planning something. But right now I need to just talk about this.

I sort of told white lies to everyone about why I'm not off in MN shooting a wedding this weekend. My mental health is not awesome right now. I am still coming out of a depression. It's not as bad as it was, but I'm not feeling my best. As much as I wanted to take pictures, I wasn't looking forward to the rest of the weekend. And I wasn't the primary photographer. She specifically asked me to be there so that I could take "my" kind of pictures. And I was flattered. But first I had to get the day off. And then I had to be in a car for 9 hours with people. Twice in a weekend. And to top it off, I wouldn't be even leaving my hometown until 1, and the same goes for going home, and losing an hour, it would make it pretty late getting back. I get up at 5:45. And the thing is, if I have zero time to decompress, I would have been a MESS the next day. It would have ruined my week. I can't just be cooped up with people for that long, go straight to bed, and then get up early the next morning to be with my students. People get confused when I try to explain it. Anyone know what I mean?

And then there was the problem of the wedding itself. I'm highly uncomfortable around such strong spirituality. And I would be driving up with people who were pretty hardcore and we just have so few things in common. I was just hoping no one would bring up anything remotely religious because I would get so uncomfortable. I just don't know about God these days. The thought of being with them in a car for a combined 18 hours scared me. It panicked me. I wasn't just trying to be ridiculous when I said that. It really did make me panicky. Plus, a dinner that involved a ceremony with things to say that I'm not sure I believe anymore and it just freaked me the heck out. I couldn't handle it.

But I decided to go. I sucked it up and decided to go because she wanted me there. I took the day off, packed a lot, and got into the van. I started to get nervous when I saw all the other camera bags. I got in the car and started knitting. We talked, and didn't end up actually leaving until 40 minutes later. Grr. As we got onto the toll road, I found out that there would probably be about 4 photographers total not even including me. That was the last straw. I just felt so insignificant. It was selfish, but that's what I felt. My heart starting racing and I got teary eyed. I texted my mom and told her I was going to cry because she didn't need me. The only reason I decided to go was because I could treat it as work, and I could just do my thing. But the thought of having to compete with all those different people just made the trip seem not worth it. I don't know. I can't justify it anymore. So Mom told me she'd pick me up. I told them to drop me at the rest stop and I'd stay. I just said it was an emergency at home. So there I was. Such a sad sight...with my bags and clothes on a hanger sitting at a McDonald's in the middle of nowhere.

It would break my heart if she ever found out why I didn't come. It would probably really get to her brother too, who is probably reading this even though I asked my RL friends not to read. I'm not sure she (or he) would understand. People who don't have serious mental health issues often misunderstand those who do.

I'm going to just take my medicine and go to bed. I have nothing planned for tomorrow. I'm beginning to regret my decision but there's nothing I can do now. And I'm aware that I would have been very unsettled on Sunday, having spent the whole weekend away from home. But now my stomach hurts and I am upset I stayed here. She will be sad, and I will have broken a promise. I wish I didn't have those panic attacks. I totally freaked out. I made a snap decision. I should have delayed, just like my therapist told me to. And Mom was just trying to help by offering to pick me up. But I didn't delay. I panicked and got out of the situation as fast as I could. So now instead of being miserable on the drive, I will be miserable at home feeling sorry for myself, having nothing to do. And I mean nothing. I'm tired of my computer and my apartment.

Boohoo. Pity party.

12 Steps for Buddhists

2009-10-25T07:18:00.002-04:00

I've had such a hard time on the codependency boards. They all view God as some all powerful saving thing who can make things better. I don't WANT to rely on a higher power. And I truly believe that I can deal with my codependency issues and borderline personality disorder without believing some mystical higher power is somehow going to help me. For me, God doesn't help me through much of anything. I don't think he works that way. I mean, what's God going to do that I can't? It's not prayer-in, help-out. God is not a candy machine. I refuse to believe that I can't help myself in the way of medicine, therapy, and skill building. It has turned into a discussion about higher powers and what I've found out is basically, there IS no way around addiction that does not involve a spiritual awakening and thinking that something bigger than you has to help. What happens when an atheist, for example, becomes addicted? Are they just screwed?

All I wanted were some books that would help that don't involve the 12 Steps because those take a view of God that I don't. I hope I never become alcoholic because I'd hate those steps and would need to find another way.

I'm Catholic, but with a Buddhist soul. They're not incompatible totally. Buddhism relies on understanding more than faith, so you see how much religion doesn't work for me.

This is so disheartening. I WANT to get better, but there has to be a way other than lying about my spiritual beliefs. There's no way I can change them. They are what they are. Even if I say they're changed, they won't be.

How does anyone who's reading this deal with crisis without surrendering to a higher power? Is there another kind of higher power? I even believe in God but not that I need to surrender anything to him. It's all so confusing.

Photo post

2009-10-24T13:36:00.007-04:00

What do I feel like writing about? I've written two very heavy posts and I feel like I need to write something lighter. No one likes a whiner. But sometimes things just need to come out.

Maybe it's time for some photos. Yes, that is a good idea. I don't take enough lately. I just don't go out anymore. I need to make time. I just have to get up early and I hold my bedtime so sacred. I work out twice a week and I take my violin lesson on alternating Wednesdays. But in the time I have, I HAVE to go out more. This is my sanity. It makes me so happy to take the pictures and edit them. So I'm going to make a goal for myself to take pictures once a week, and it doesn't matter where. Just anywhere.

So here are some self portraits.

I hated this picture because I screwed up the focus, but then I made it into a Holga-like picture and I like it now. This is by my parents' house.

My new medicine. We'll see.

My student had a seizure the day I took this. It was so scary. It was long, too. She has a nurse with her, luckily, so I didn't have to do anything, but I just felt so helpless standing there watching her jerk and hear her holding her breath and almost squeaking. Normally she doesn't make a peep. She's not only nonverbal, but practically mute. It freaked me the fuck out.

This is from Sunday when I was still fairly sick. I knew something was different and something was very wrong. I had just called Dad and started crying because my chest hurt and I had a fever (I hadn't had a fever since practically childhood).

H1N1 update.

2009-10-23T13:59:00.002-04:00

Just a health update. I either got a mild case, my immune system is great, or I started taking the flu medicine early enough because I felt almost totally fine all week. I was pretty miserable over the weekend but the antivirals plus treating the symptoms seemed to make it mostly better. And of course today, my last day off work, is when I'm starting to feel nauseated, but I'm hoping that passes. It could also be my mood stabilizer, since my dosage was increased yesterday. Either way, I hope this doesn't last, because I have to make it to school on Monday or else. Mom is bringing me some Coke (which helps) and I am sitting up and distracting myself so that I don't throw up. I know no one enjoys it, but I am terrified of it. I avoid it at all costs. Even if it would make me feel better!

That is all.

Also, one of my dirty little secrets is that I listen to obnoxious rap music while cleaning and driving, and I totally rock out to it.

see me bleed

2009-10-21T21:18:00.004-04:00

I used to cut. It seems to be the self-injury method of choice among women my age and comes with a stigma. Something people do for attention only. I have a picture at the bottom that is NSFW and involves self injury. Just FYI. But it's beautiful.

I used to cut a lot. I still want to, sometimes. Maybe now is the time to talk about it. I just feel like putting it out here. I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't feel bad about it.

The first time I did it it WAS for attention and not as therapy and that was senior year of high school. I discovered the rush of endorphins freshman year, and I used a knife The Creep gave me. It was a wavy blade thing that flipped out in a really cool way. I didn't really start for real until maybe '05. I don't know what happened right before I started. I had to think first, because I went out to buy boxcutters. And some people say they're numb and they can't feel it. I felt it. And it hurt. But it was a quick hurt. I would gasp with the pain and then it would be over. Each time I did it, I felt a little more relief. I probably needed stitches in a few of the cuts but never got any. I only went to the health center once for it and he said I would live without them. Normally I got no help though. I wanted scars and I never put anything on them to help the cuts heal. I did this over and over. When I was done cutting I would feel this sense of relief and exhaustion. I could finally sleep. I would try not to, and then I couldn't handle it any more. I was at a prayer meeting even, and in the middle of the meeting I walked to the bathroom and cut my shoulder. The buzz lasts for a little bit and then I would crash and be sleepy. It's by no means a permanent solution, but it takes away the inside pain for a while.

Part of why I did it was to relieve the tension when I was angry. I got angry a lot. Another was to relieve tension because I couldn't feel anything when someone tried to touch me. At the time, nothing felt good. I remember an ex boyfriend trying to hook up with me and it just was NOT happening. As soon as he started touching me I lost feeling. So when I got back I cut and I felt and I was better.

People tried to help, but didn't. My best friend pretended like she was cutting and basically baited me and got me to talk about it that way, saying if it wasn't OK if she did, it wasn't OK if I did. That was probably the worst way EVER. I ended up feeling so much more shame. I already knew it was wrong. And then I resented her and never wanted to tell her when I needed help. Don't ever do that. I have a sneaking suspicion she found this and is reading it, and it would really hurt me if that were the case. I've already asked more than once for people to stop reading (and she would be in that group of people I don't want reading this). This is my safe space, where I can finally talk about the things I never could on my public blog. In fact the last time I cut is because she got on me about something on my old blog and I ended up feeling hurt and angry so I went out and got blades and cut a LOT. That is part of why I have this blog, so I can talk about my situations with my friends and be angry if I feel like it without repercussion. But that is beside the point.

I haven't done it in a while. But every time I see a razor blade or box cutters I have to make someone move them. I've looked in the aisle at the store many times. Sometimes I scratch my face when I'm angry or sad instead but that's still a dangerous road for me. Sometimes I want to do it even when I'm not hurting. It just feels good. That feeling you get from it is addictive (addicting?). And no one really understands. They try but in the end they get so confused that I end up feeling worse about doing it. My pain and pleasure centers are all mixed up, which is why pain during sex is a confusing subject for me. I dont want it to turn into self-injury. Because once I start cutting, it's hard to stop.

Cripple (NSFW possible trigger photo that is good photography but very much a trigger)

2009-10-21T17:19:00.008-04:00

I want love to hurt. Hurt me, bruise me, bite me, use me.

I don't know if that's because I don't know what sex is other than pain, or that's just me. Maybe it's because he used to bite me and bruise me. But the real damage was nothing you could see. Last year even, whenever we were together we would be frantic. It was all consuming and scary. We would lie together in bed and I would let him just bite me because I couldn't feel anything else. But then later I would see myself in the mirror and not know who that reflection belonged to. He never understood what he did to me, inside OR out. I didn't want him in my bed in the first place. He usually conned himself in there and almost forced me to sleep with him.

I don't know if it's a good thing or not. I don't know if I'm just submissive and that's what I want, or if this is my way of not being numb, or both. When I was with Cat, I made her scratch me so hard that I was almost bleeding. I made her pull my hair so hard. She was so afraid she would hurt me, and even though I hate this phrase, it hurt so good. It didn't really hurt at all, but felt good. It's like in the L Word, after Dana died, Alice (her best friend and former girlfriend) and Lara (her most recent girlfriend) had sex, and Alice said "I want to feel something. Make me bleed."

And I don't know how to love without pain. Sometimes I need it to feel. But I'm strong and I can take it. Pull my hair and scratch me and hurt me.

I will grow back like a starfish.

(L. MacCool, how do you always know what to say? Or in this case, what music to post about. We're so different, except sometimes not. This song may hold different meaning, but it's still important to me. Thanks.)

This song is probably about BDSM but it holds a separate meaning for me.)

Mr. Muscle forcing bursting

Stingy thingy into little me, me, me

But just "ripple" said the cripple

As my jaw dropped to the ground

Smile smile

It's true I always wanted love to be

Hurtful

And it's true I always wanted love to be

Filled with pain

And bruises

Yes, so Cripple-Pig was happy

Screamed " I just compeletely love you!

And there's no rhyme or reason

I'm changing like the seasons

Watch! I'll even cut off my finger

It will grow back like a Starfish!

It will grow back like a Starfish!"

Mr. Muscle, gazing boredly

And he checking time did punch me

And I sighed and bleeded like a windfall

Happy bleedy, happy bruisy

I am very happy

So please hit me

I am very happy

So please hurt me

I am very happy

So please hit me

I am very very happy

So come on hurt me

I'll grow back like a Starfish

(Antony and the Johnsons, Cripple and the Starfish)

shifting

2009-10-21T10:47:00.003-04:00

My gender expression is shifting again. I feel really uncomfortable if I wear button down shirts anymore, at least without them being open with a T shirt underneath. I feel like with my short hair, those two things make me look so masculine and right now, that's an uncomfortable feeling. This is so strange, because that's exactly why I wanted those shirts. I just feel like right now I want to look more feminine. I don't want to look masculine. I can either look badass, or feminine. Nothing else. I can't explain it, but that's what I feel like and I have to do what makes me comfortable. But even when I say feminine, I don't mean very feminine. But, moreso than before I guess. I'm wearing more makeup, but my uniform is still khakis and T shirts, I'm just letting up on the button downs and not using my tie as an accessory as often. I don't really understand this, but I am just going with my gut. I've enjoyed feeling "pretty" lately.

Also, I feel fine. I am so mad I have to take 5 days off of school just for this. I'm only really taking the days off because I'm contagious and it's already widespread. If I felt like this normally, I'd be at school. As a new teacher, I don't have many sick days used up. I'm so bored. Today I am putting on a mask and driving to get Taco Bell. It's not exactly healthy, but I'm tired of chicken soup and orange juice, and I have zero stomach issues. And I'm dying to leave the house. I'm glad my dad bought me some crossword puzzles. That has helped. And I still have a few shows to watch on On Demand. I should be sleeping to get myself better faster, but I'm wide awake. I think the confinement hasn't helped, but I also think I'm getting a little hypomanic. I'm full of energy now. I should be sleeping a lot because my body is healing but instead I'm only sleeping with the help of my codeine cough medicine. I don't know what my deal is.

I AM SO BORED. Time to take a shower and eat some chicken soup. I will get my unhealthy food for dinner.

My last post, translated into 12 year old aol speak. It will hurt your eyes.

2009-10-19T10:20:00.001-04:00

Find the generator here.

SO I HAEV H1N1!!1!1!11! LOL AND IM SO SCAERD OF DYNG!111! OMG LOL DA DOC2R AT TEH CLINIC SEMED SO NONCHALANT ABOUT IT!!!!1 OMG LOL I GUAS IL B FIEN????! WTF LOL IMM AFRADE THOUGH!1111 I KNOW PEOPLE HAEV DEID FROM IT!!1!!!! OMG WTF LOL BUT I CAUGHT IT PR3TY 3ARLEY I THINK SO MAYB TAHT WIL HALP!!!1!11!! OMG WTF LOL IMM ACTUALY FELNG K RIGHT NOW AL OF MAH MEDICIEN HAS KIK3D IN BUT IMM AFRADE OF WUT IL FEL LIEK L8R!111!1!11 OMG IMM OTH3RWIES H3ALTHY SO IMM GUESNG MAYB IT WONT B 2 BAD!!111!11 WTF I DONT WANT 2 JINX IT!111!!! OMG IMM JUST SO AFRADE!111!! OMG LOL I KN3W THES WAS DIF3RENT RIGHT AWAY!!11!!1!1 OMG I CM3 HOM3 FROM INDY 3ARLEY B/C I HAD A COUGH AND WAS DIZY!!!1! OMG 2DAY MAH CHAST HURT SO MUCH
AND!!1!!!!!1 THES TMIFLU I HAEV 2 TAEK???!?! OMG WTF CAN CAUES VOMITNG!!111! OMG WTF LOL I HAET HAET HAET THROWNG UP!!1!1 LOL SO MUCH!!!!1!1!1 LOL IMM SO SCAERD OF IT!!!!1 I KNOW MAH PRIORITEIS R SCRAWY
SCAERD!!!!!!!11 OMG LOL

2009-10-18T23:04:00.002-04:00

So I have h1n1. And I am SO SCARED of dying. The doctor at the clinic seemed so nonchalant about it. I guess I'll be fine? I'm afraid though. I know people have died from it. But I caught it pretty early, I think, so maybe that will help. I'm actually feeling OK right now, all of my medicine has kicked in, but I'm afraid of what I'll feel like later. I'm otherwise healthy, so I'm guessing maybe it won't be too bad. I don't want to jinx it. I'm just so afraid. I knew this was different right away. I came home from Indy early because I had a cough and was dizzy. Today my chest hurt so much.

And this Tamiflu I have to take? Can cause vomiting. I HATE HATE HATE throwing up. So much. I'm so scared of it. I know, my priorities are screwy.

Scared.

Holy cow.

2009-10-11T19:51:00.002-04:00

Both my aides emailed me. They're both going to be gone tomorrow. I teach kids with severe disabilities. It's not as easy as just handing someone the activity and their group. It takes so much explanation. What the HELL are we going to do all day? I am not confident in this job enough to just take it in stride. This is new, and I'm a new teacher on top of it. And my kids are so different from one another that large group instruction is not always an option.

Commence freak-out.

New hair!

2009-10-11T07:52:00.002-04:00

Here is my orange streaked hair for fall.

This is my goddaughter A. She just turned 2. I took her two year pictures yesterday. She was moody for a lot of it so I didn't get many, but here was one of the clearest ones. Tell me she's not just adorable.

2009-10-09T02:51:00.002-04:00

I must really be somewhere on the continuum of sexuality. I like the word gay, but it's a misnomer, because there is the occasional man I like. Which brings me to my point. Because I just had this dream about a coworker. I have a thing for him. He has a girlfriend, but that doesn't stop my imagination apparently. I just woke up having had this dream and I was disappointed I woke up! A was writing poetry for me, for some reason, but not any sort of romantic poetry, just funny, like him. He works in the cafeteria and does copies. He's hilarious and is always in some sort of banter with someone. I like that in anyone. I'm really attracted to that. Of course now it might be weird talking to him after totally making out with him in this dream. Good thing nothing else happened, just for the sake of peace at work! I'm much more into witty than romantic, to be honest, unless it REALLY calls for it.

Just thought I'd share. Nothing else to do at this hour. I'm starting to wake up nightly around 2:30 which is something I do during the winter. I get hypomanic in the winter. Just my cycle. So I'm up now. I'm going to try and sleep now I think. I don't know how that will go.

half and half

2009-10-06T19:45:00.003-04:00

Since I left you with such a gloomy last post, I feel I should write a happy one. Sorry! Well, there is a happy part. I'll leave that for the end. That way it ends well.

I'm starting a mood stabilizer. My doctor practically made me pinky swear I wouldn't have unprotected sex with men simply because of the very high rate of birth defects. I told her I was women only for right now. I'm not closed to men in general, but I might be right now. I can be attracted to a few, but the idea of sex with them isn't always a great thought for me. But that is beside the point. This medicine helps mostly with bipolar depression instead of hypomania. But conceivably, I could just take my antipsychotic when I'm hypomanic. Hypomania is low grade mania. Mania is what most people think of when they think of bipolar. And that;s bipolar 1. I have bipolar 2, more depression. This CAN cause a really bad rash so we're starting slowly. I'm hoping it doesn't happen. I should have chosen the other one instead, the one that's better for mixed episodes. But hey. I made a call and I will see how this works. I also have to give up caffeine, mostly. It makes my inner commentary worse and revs my mind up. I hadn't even though of cutting out caffeine. It seems to be helping.

But I'm really in a low right now. And the weather being colder and grayer is making it worse. My sleep is screwy. I get hypomanic in the winter. Most people get depressed. I get hypomanic. Irritable and sleepless. Guess that's my cycle.

Why so honest? I need SOMEwhere to talk about this really personal stuff. I really do. And this way it is recorded.

Good news? S used sign language! S is usually off in what we call S-land. I don't know where she goes, but she goes places and we lose her for a while. Also keep in mind that as well as working with a few kids with autism, all my students have a moderate or severe cognitive impairment. She always shoves her Doritos and strawberry milk in my face to get me to open them. She is a very picky eater. I got tired of this and showed her the sign for help. She used it and I opened her milk. Then, SPONTANEOUSLY, today she used it twice! I didn't even have to prompt her with "ask for help" or something similar. She used to talk more, but for whatever reason, she lost some of that. It's rolling around in there somewhere, but I don't know how to get it back out.

The SLP wants me to use picture symbols with her, which is fine, and she didn't seem pleased I was using sign language. But I use it in my teaching all the time, so if she's picking it up, and communicating, I'm all for it. I'm doing the picture symbols too.

Anyway, so gloomy, then happy. Yay for me. And yay for S.

Also, I ate half a bag of caramel corn rice cakes last night. Don't judge me. They were delicious.

What did I do with my friends?

2009-10-03T12:51:00.004-04:00

I saw The Creep"like" a status on facebook about some mutual friend's status about going on an errand, with a bunch of smiley faces after it. She knows what he did to me. I would like to think I'm mad that she would dare even talk to him after she knew what he did, but it's not that. I'm mad that he gets to have a normal friend life. I'll get into that later. Also, my BPD makes me blow little stuff out of proportion so if it seems crazy, there's a reason.

It's weird, how I feel about him. He was not only my abuser but my thread that connected me to life. He was everything to me. I hated him and I loved him. I still feel guilty for wanting to even connect with him at times. And not many people understand that. It makes them sick and angry. I'll always feel a connection to him and I hate it. I feel guilty and I hate it. I want to hate him. I also want him to suffer. But not go away entirely, because I am still tied to him. I don't know why. I wish I understood. It's like he was a part of me for so long, and he sustained me as well as sucked the life out of me. He sucked it out, and then nurtured the thin fraying thread that was left.

I wish I had someone to call. I only have BFF and I can't just rely on her, and I don't want to. I need someone else. I cut off a lot of my friends because our values clashed, so I'm down to just BFF. Even maybe email. When I'm depressed (not even including the thing about my aunt), I need someone to call in the car while I'm going places, or an email to come back to or something. I need to just talk. And I don't really have anyone. It's lonely. Depression comes with bipolar and it can get pretty bad, and it is. Plus, with my aunt and all? It's pretty bad. And people offer but they don't think I'm serious. Oh, I am. I WILL call or email. Then they get all standoffish and I get even more depressed.

2009-10-03T08:47:00.002-04:00

My aunt needs a lung transplant.

Fuck.

The doctor here had her on prednisone for so long and it ruined her bones. 1 She walks hunched over now, and has had back surgeries because her spine is weak. M@y0 Cl!n!c told her yesterday that she would need a one lung transplant and would need round the clock O2. She said she feels much better with the oxygen, which is great, but a transplant is huge, and survival rates for lung transplants suck.

I got teary when I heard the phrase transplant team from the phone when my dad was talking to her but haven't cried since. I'm not good at crying. I cried Wednesday because one of my former students is being expelled for being so violent. But that was it.

And my medicine is making me miserable. It is helping the down swings some, and definitely calmed down my thougts, and made my head quiet, but the restless legs are unbearable. I hope this is temporary. I can't keep taking Xanax because it's not really a long term every day drug. At least that's what I thought I heard. But either way, I can't handle this.

But fuck. My aunt needs a lung transplant. And Dad wants to be a donor. Because you can live with one lung, even though it's not ideal.

I don't even know how to handle this.

Question of the Day

2009-09-27T16:03:00.002-04:00

Fellow teachers and anyone else who brings work home with them: What helps you work at home? I need to clean house and I know that would help, but I don't have a ton of time for that. I will do that in the near future. I am going out to work at the moment but I can't do that every time, because money is tight right now with the new computer and my loans and all that. I think I will go to Starbucks because if I go to the nice gay-friendly coffeehouse with good hummus, I will spend more money, and I don't think they're open long on Sundays.

I am going to plan 2 days worth of lessons and then go back to sleep.

Mental health update, if anyone cares: I'm off Risperdal due to the weight gain, and on Abilify. It is making me a zombie. I can only hope this is temporary. But the voices are better. Well, not voices. I don't hallucinate, but the racing thoughts and inner commentary. It's another anti-psychotic, the only one that won't cause weight gain. Even the anticonvulsants used for bipolar cause weight gain. We'll see how this goes. I'm in a depression now and I want to swing out of it so badly. I prefer hypomania to depression even though it's a weird feeling. I'm seeing my doctor again in a week and a couple days, and we will re-evaluate.

Time to go plan lessons. Somewhere else. Taking a bunch of crap with me: Syracuse Community-Referenced Curriculum Guide, Moderate and Severe Disabilities (both textbooks), the LifeSkills guide for this district, and my notebook I am using until there is absolutely no white space left in it.

All day workshop Wednesday: means I get to rant and share stories with my best teacher buddy from another school!

Euphemisms

2009-09-25T06:12:00.001-04:00

I fucking hate euphemisms.

Use words. We are adults.

Breasts are breasts. I hate the word tits. I can hardly type it. Call them breasts. Not "celestial orbs" like I just heard, not funbags, not jugs, not anything like that. I can handle boobs. But that's about it.

It's called sex. There are a few terms I would use, but they do not include: doing the horizontal mambo and yes people use this, banging, nailing, and I even had an ex call it playing doctor.

To each her own. But if you want to get any with me, use real words.

SHUT UP!

2009-09-21T21:38:00.004-04:00

Turns out I do know what to write about. I was lying in bed, trying a new relaxation technique I learned in therapy today. I'm on Risperdal, which is an anti-psychotic. It's pretty common these days, especially in children (don't get me on my high horse about heavy duty meds in children). I think I might be ready for the next dose. I'm getting more tense again. I'm not psychotic really, just a little bit. Thought disorder generally means schizophrenia and speech patterns, but in me, he talks about it in terms of my thought trains. They don't match up. My thoughts are totally disorganized and I get flustered so easily trying to think things through. I don't always get reality and I misinterpret things. That's low level psychosis. I don't hallucinate, I'm pretty firmly grounded in what I see and hear, but my thoughts don't take the normal pathways so an anti-psychotic could help.

Why am I so open about this? I don't know how NOT to be. And this is a safe space for me. I need someone to read about this, or if nothing else, I need a place where I can write about it.

So on to the problem, which is why I am writing.

When I was a teen, I started to hate praying because I could hear voices coming right back at me. I never regarded this as anything, and never answered yes when doctors asked me if I heard voices. I knew it was myself and not some outside entity, including God. It's annoying to hear yourself answer right away. I wanted God to answer and I was pretty sure answers to prayers didn't work that way, especially when the answers sounded like things I could have thought of on my own.

How does this apply to tonight? As I was trying said relaxation technique, I couldn't shut up the inner commentary and motion. The exercise was to imagine three dimensional numbers, one by one, 1-10. I was doing that, and as I silently reminded myself to do them one by one (in therapy I tried to imagine them in a line and the line got too long!), I could visualize the other numbers coming up and running away. And then the commentary would start, telling the numbers to just go back and wait their turn.

Now, I know the numbers cannot hear me. I am grounded in reality tonight! And everyone talks to themselves, right? At least sometimes. What do we do on blogs some of the time? But for me, I can't turn off the commentary. It's like I'm narrating a movie of my life and it is ANNOYING. I can't relax when my mind is going like that. I can't sleep.

My mind is going and I thought maybe if I could narrate myself into my blog, perhaps my mind would shut the fuck up so I could go to bed. Can you imagine how annoying this is? I can't concentrate!

I see my doctor in the morning. The other reason I'm writing is to remind myself to tell her these things. I just sent an email to my school email of all the things I need to bring up. I'm taking the afternoon off for this appointment because she doesn't do late appointments. Sigh. Oh well. Not like I'll actually be using my sick days as sick days. I can't afford to be gone whole days! My class goes nuts.

PS- Keep scrolling and look at my photo post.

Picture post

2009-09-21T19:27:00.004-04:00

Nothing much to say right now. Job is getting better with that kid, still confused about orientation, but whatever. Just wanted to post some pictures. I'll write more another time.

I like this. I'm in my classroom while my kids are in gym and I like the out of focus. And the way you can see my purple hair.

After a particularly bad day with my unholy terror.

On the way back from Purdue visiting my brother.

On the way TO Purdue, I insisted we pull over.

My brother. He's pretty awesome

Just feeling the urge to get naked in pictures that day.

Caramel apples with the parents.

On the way to school. LOVE this.

Honest Scrap

2009-09-20T12:09:00.000-04:00

Tagged by the suave, articulate, and now Dr. Leo MacCool! I subscribe to more than 10 blogs but here are a random 10 for you to read.

There are three rules for this award:

First, link back to the person who gave you the award.

Next, give the award to ten other bloggers:

1. Don't let's talk, who is honest in her own very charming way and whose blog you simply have to read
2. Butchtastic, who is unapologetic and honest and delightfully butch.
3. Freedomgirl, who wrote me the fateful email that discussed femme and helped me get more comfortable in my own femme
4. Namaste by Day, whose outlook towards her job sounds so much like my own that it's scary (and who understands what I say about mine!)
5.Vixen Kitten, who is beautifully open about her sexuality
6. Mina, who inspired me to delve into my submissiveness
7. Green Eyed Girl, who likes to use pictures to express her honest self
8. Amelia, who is honest even when it hurts
9. Sinclair, who started my whole gender inquiry in the first place
10. Alphafemme, who honestly explores the various ways for her to express her femme

10 Honest Things

1. I have borderline personality disorder. It makes every little comment, cancellation of plans, tip that I have something on my face, etc. seem like they hate me and want to leave me. Seriously. It's hell.
2. I loved my Hitachi, and now I hate it. But I have yet to find something that really feels good.
3. It is going to absolutely kill me to teach the 5th grade Sunday school class about the sacrament of marriage. I might pass most of that one off to my co-teacher. I treat this as teaching doctrine, not what I necessarily believe (even though I am Catholic) but it will bother me anyway.
4. It weirds me out to have cats following me into the bathroom. I won't have it. I won't even undress if they're looking at me.
5. Too much of me is tied to my best friend and if they move the way her husband says they will someday, I will fall to pieces and no one will be around to pick them up.
6. I have very few other *real* friends in real life. Most either think I'm weird and don't like me, or I end up leaving them because their conservative views make me uncomfortable with myself.
7. Once I had a dream that I slept with a coworker who was my support staff person last year. After that I couldn't look him in the eye for a while. It didn't help that he smelled good and was all friendsy with me (he always was and that used to be fine). AWKWARD.
8. I don't dress up properly for school because I won't wear stretchy dress pants, silky pants, blouses, or heels (I'll only wear heels to a bar). I'm a little autistic. If I wear those fabrics, I am so uncomfortable and out of sorts all day I can't concentrate. So I have great empathy for my kids with autism who need to jump/chew on something/wear only cotton/etc.
9. I have to end a flight of stairs on the right foot. I count to myself and if I think I'll end on the left I take two at a time to get it right.
10. I'm perpetually afraid that someone will come take away my labels about gender and sexuality. I'm so confused and still exploring and I want community and I want support. But as a bisexual, even though I really call myself gay because I like the word better, sometimes lesbians hate on me. The straight world, too, because they don;t think it's for real. The fake ones are called "barsexuals." :) Anyway. I subscribe to so many gender/sexuality/queer blogs just so I don't feel so alone.

Invisible Illness

2009-09-18T16:39:00.005-04:00

1. The illnesses I live with are: bipolar disorder type 2, borderline personality disorder, provisional diagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2009

3. But I had symptoms since: Childhood signs of some BPD, but mostly since age 17, on first 2 counts

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: learning to distance myself from difficult situations and people, times where it would trigger rage or severe fear of abandonment

5. Most people assume: that I'm just not sucking it up enough, or that I just have a bad attitude and I'm seeing reality all wrong (guess what...this IS my reality).

6. The hardest part about mornings are: waking up while on an antopsychotic. makes me so sleepy.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: Laptop

9. The hardest part about nights are: calming down my nerves which give my stomach the butterflies feeling, which is much easier on the Risperdal

10. Each day I take _2_ pills & vitamins. I cut out my other stuff, this may change starting Tuesday when I see the doctor again. 2 isn't bad. Risperdal and a B complex.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: think they can be helpful but I'm not willing to go off all medications due to the symptoms of the disorders

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Visible, just non psychiatric. People with psychiatric diagnoses often get told they're lazy, whiny, etc. They aren't "real" disorders.

13. Regarding working and career: Sometimes I need to stop the obsessive cycle of thoughts that is making me anxious, and I take Xanax mostly at work to calm myself down.

14. People would be surprised to know: I can only control so much, and some of my actions are truly beyond my control.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: That medication doesn't help BPD too much....it involves learning effective coping skills. Shoot. No easy answer there.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: be a good teacher.

17. The commercials about my illness: make it seem so cut and dry.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Nothing, because most of these symptoms have been present for as long as I can remember.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: nothing.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: meditating with more purpose

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: say what I need to say when I need to say it without the fear of that person abandoning me forever

22. My illness has taught me: that our bodies are imperfect and so are medications

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: telling me that I'm just seeing it wrong, and I need to have a better attitude.

24. But I love it when people: ask me what I need, how they can help, and ask me to explain myself so that they can understand more, and don't judge me when I answer honestly.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "Your silence will not protect you." I know I need to speak up and advocate for myself.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: that there is hope, but nothing is perfect.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: the side effects of medication can be so crazy.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: BFF agreeing to have child-free time with me once a week.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I have recently been diagnosed with invisible illnesses.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: grateful for people who don't just write me off as a crazy unstable confused-about-religion/sexuality/life person

OK, so if I'm not straight, I'm....

2009-09-13T20:07:00.002-04:00

What the hell am I? I've always vehemently denied being lesbian because I can name some men to whom I am attracted, and at least for one time in August, had intense attraction to a man with whom I later had sort of consensual sex (he was whiny and pushy and sort of maneuvered himself in and I decided to let him continue to shut him up). So that right there invalidates my lesbian status. But see, here's what I've been thinking about lately. When I scope out new people, it's only women. Only rarely do I notice a hot guy. I'm more confident around women, and my relationships with Cat and Tiffany felt so blissfully normal, conversation wise. We just talked and I felt more natural. But I was telling myself that was because they were less threatening, as women, so therefore that was a case for me being straight.

And as for sex, I've only slept with one person, and that was an all around bad experience once it involved me doing any touching of any of the important areas, but maybe that has more to do with the trauma in the past. I feel like I can't be a lesbian because I WAS abused, and then it will feed the myth that all lesbians have been abused. But I can't lie and say it didn't affect my relationships. The actual sex, the act of penetration, I have no issues with that specifically, so that didn't turn me off when I was with The Creep. That was the only part that was any good because I didn't have to look at it or touch it. Again, maybe an abuse thing, maybe not. Strapons don't seem to have the same disgusted reaction with me. When I slept with Cat and Holly, I remember being sad that I couldn't really feel their arousal like you can with a man when you press up against him, but that was really the only thing I missed. Partly because it was a symbol of their attraction, and it also just created friction. So in the sex area, it's not clear either.

I don't know who I am. I don't know who will attract me with a real attraction. I do know I'm happy calling myself femme, and that I'm happy with my standard outfits of tanks and cargo pants. So hey, I'm at least clear on something!

Unholy TERROR.

2009-09-07T21:08:00.002-04:00

I don't want to go back to school. It's a bad feeling. I've felt so great so far and now there's this new kid. First of all, I'm not supposed to have kindergartners. Secondly, he's mean and will probably end up with a label of ED. I'm not convinced he's really in the best placement right now, even though he's mine in the AM and with the autism RR in the PM even though he isn't really autistic, she's just doing a special reading thing in the afternoon. The para who followed him and is turning out to be a 1:1 from the RR coddles him. He has what looks to be a behavior disorder (as opposed to an emotional one). He's manipulative. He shouldn't get comforting hugs for being a jerk to me and throwing things at me. He knows what he's doing, he feels no remose, and doesn't care about pretty much anything. "I don't care" is one of his standard answers. So I have to go talk to my principal and see what we can do. This other teacher is great and is always on the same page with me. Her way of dealing with him is the same as mine would be, but nothing like what this one para does. I want to do a lot more ignoring than she is. We'll have to have a discussion.

Also, why the hell doesn't he have a behavior plan? Sigh. You know, it's just the adult thing. The three of us in there can deal with unholy terrors. They've gotten good at that. My Alex used to knock desks over and throw food on the ground when he was mad at them. When I babysat him as a little kid he would pull my hair and bite and kick. It's having the extra adult in there who isn't with us, and who thinks she's God's gift to troubled kids. I understand some kids need that nurturing, but he isn't one of them. So I'm off to speak with my principal in the morning. I'm scared because she used to be a lifeskills teacher and so she'll expect nothing but the best from me, and she WILL know what that looks like, or thereabouts. I want her advice, but I also want to do something about this para. Either make her go back to the other teacher's room, send another para entirely, or leave the kid with us. We can handle it. And we'll do it our way.

2009-09-07T17:21:00.004-04:00

I'm going to ask nicely now. If you are a real life friend, please please PLEASE do not read this. I suppose if you've found it once, I can't stop you, but I would hope that you would respect my wishes. I would just feel awfully betrayed if private things went to the wrong people. I feel much safer with my online friends knowing this. Besides, sometimes I have things I need to say about my friends and want opinions from other people. I have so few friends in the area I really rely on all of you to hear me out.

Evil Plan Generator

2009-09-06T14:57:00.001-04:00

Congratulations on being the creator of a new

Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: World Domination.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: Sadistic pleasure

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first seduce a wealthy heiress. This will cause the world to whisper among themselves, stunned by your arrival. Who is this threat to our children? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in classic black?

Stage Two

Next, you must vaporize the white house. This will all be done from a haunted woods, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will fall into catatonic trances, as countless hordes of mean english teachers hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must reveal to the world your unholy weapon, bringing about an end to sanity. Your name shall become synonymous with sheer dementedness, and no man will ever again dare steal your woman. Everyone will bow before your dashing good looks, and the world will have no choice but to grant you three maidens of virtue true.

Make your own evil plan here.

On Autism

2009-09-04T21:41:00.002-04:00

Years ago, at the beginning of my special ed degree sometime in sophomore year, I got very upset reading websites of autistic people who were insistent that they wanted everyone to leave their autism alone, be called autistic instead of "having autism" and were generally bitter towards people, special ed teachers especially. So I emailed my dad frantically, thinking I was doing everything wrong, even though I thought I was doing it the right way with my accommodations and modifications and person first language. This was his response (and it was wonderful, especially coming from someone with only third hand knowledge of autism):

Em,
You are not studying to put square pegs in round holes. Use a different analogy. Think of the world as the block that contains the round hole. This hole works for many kids. That doesn't mean that that's the only portal into the world. You are looking for another way to engage the autistic child with the world. It may be a hole of another shape that no one sees because the round hole worked fine for most kids. It may be another part of the block that is more malleable
and will adapt to different shaped pegs. In severe cases maybe engagement isn't possible so you look for ways to touch the block without entering into it giving you contact without engagement. Maybe you try to change the world to accept the square peg. These are ways to find the optimum fit for each child. This is a noble goal and a noble profession (and a good mission!).

Things I Cannot Believe I Have to Say in my Classroom

2009-08-30T18:18:00.003-04:00

I say things every day that shock me and make me laugh. A lot of them are from one person. There's always one....She's a sweetie, except going through early puberty, so there are a lot of mood swings (more than the usual). She has autism and is still "in her head" a lot. I am trying to get her in touch with me as much as I can so we can actually accomplish something. She drives me crazy but at the same time, she does so many funny things, and is so loving at times, that I have to just love her. She is nonverbal but finds plenty of ways to let us know what she wants. Plus, she is the loudest kid for being the least verbal! Ha!

Volume 2 coming later, after this week's shenanigans.

Stop licking the glass!
Don't lick me, either!
Put your clothes back on!
Move along kids, move along. No students in HERE only wearing diapers because they've taken up defiant stripping.
Eat that pureed hot dog. (Followed by: OK, you know what? That's gross. I won't make you eat that. At least there were apricots on the menu today and those aren't bad pureed.)
TAKE those hands OUT of the urinal! Oh we are so washing our hands.
Please remove your nametag/crayon/shirt/alphabet card from your mouth. Here, use your chewy instead.
Try not to grope me.
Could you please not grab my butt?
Knock off the Joker laugh please.
Do not giggle and say "that's not me" EVERY SINGLE DAY when we identify names at circle time.
Please don't run us over.
Fingers out! No fingers should go in ANY....uh...anythings.
Hmm. You have Wednesday underwear in your locker as backup. Well, better than nothing, even though it's Friday.

Wait, I'm not straight? (NSFW)

2009-08-22T22:49:00.006-04:00

Here's when I knew. I like this story because I like remembering the feelings. I think it's hot. It's also my first time with a woman. It was going to be a short explanatory thing, but I'm turning it into sort of erotica, because I've always wanted to write it. It's not perfect erotica, because it didn't even go that far, and no one came, but it was a huge deal for me, and the feelings were very intense. So here goes.

I had sort of thought about me perhaps not being straight for 2 years before that, ever since I roomed with a lesbian. But I didn't spend much actual thought on it, my mind just wondered about it every so often. I was after this guy who was an aide in my student teaching room. After I changed placements, he was fair game. He invited me to his Halloween party. I thought I was getting somewhere with him. I drank a lot of cheap alcohol. I began running around with his neighbor Holly. She was cute. Short, small, and athletic. The more we drank, the clingier we got. After a while we just ran around, literally, holding each others hands asking people embarrassing questions. She ended up getting pretty drunk (I was, but it wore off quickly) and she went next door to her house to sleep. I honestly DID want to check on her even though I was mad she was sitting on the guy's lap and hogging his attention. So I followed her into her garage.

We were in her garage and she leaned up against me and wrapped her arms around me. We just hugged for about 5 minutes. For some weird reason then we were sitting on the floor and she was leaning against me. It was at least 2am and we were both tired. I have no idea how that happened, honestly. At some point, we were standing up again, and her arms went around my waist. When that happened, I touched her hair and started to stroke it (why I was doing this is beyond me, it just felt right). The longer I stroked her hair, the lower her hands got. It was so slow that it was almost imperceptible but I could feel it. I stopped stroking her hair and I put my hands on her waist. As soon as I could feel the curve of her hips under my hands, I could feel her breathing change. And when I heard that, the familiar feeling came to me. The tingling, fiery, feeling that made all of my muscles down there tense up all of a sudden. I should point out that while I was drinking, it was starting to wear off, and I was cognizant enough to take full responsibility for my actions. I'm sure I was a bit less inhibited than usual, but I knew what I was doing. As I felt her breathing change, I had a very clear conversation in my head. I said that I could do two things. I could go home now and be done with the whole thing, or I could stay and see what would happen. I was too curious to go. I didn't understand why I wanted to stay. But I did, because I didn't know if I would ever have another chance to explore these feelings.

Holly said that we should sit on the couch. We did. Who the hell keeps couches in their garages? Whatever. You know how when you are so close to someone, and you are new together and you are just hypersensitive? You can tell when someone moves or puts pressure on you even a tiny bit. We could feel this in each other and would move closer and closer until our noses were almost touching. We were in the delicious moment before a kiss, where you can feel each other breathing and are breathing the same air. Your noses are brushing and your hearing even goes a little funny. The whole time our faces are so close, I feel like I am going to just burst. It had been so long that my body had responded this way to anyone. "I have a boyfriend." she says. "I know." I don't move away. Neither does she. We don't speak again for another few minutes. Slowly, our hands simultaneously move to each other's backs. Our movements mirror one another's, taking cues from the other person's movement on our body. She moves her hand just barely under my shirt. I do the same, and continue up her back. Even though we are mostly equal, I'm the one going a bit further each time. As our hands go from each other's backs to the front, she whispers "It's OK," over and over again. And then for the first time in my life, I feel someone else's breasts. I imagined that it would feel strange, but it didn't. They were smaller than mine and felt foreign but not. I began to kiss all over her chest; her collarbone, in between her breasts, and up to her neck. She mimicked my movements on me again and I closed my eyes. We did this slowly and shyly, with the hesitation of new lovers. Why didn't this feel weird? Why didn't I feel guilty? "I have a boyfriend," she repeats. "I know. I'm sorry. But we've done so much already." Our foreheads touch and lips touch, and I almost wish I could say it was a long passionate kiss. We slowly touch lips, and I put my hands on her face. We're just trying things out, seeing how we feel, trying to fit together. Her hands run up and down my back. She puts her leg over mine and I pull her closer to me. We can't get close enough. My memory gets a little fuzzy here. The next thing I remember is our conversation.

"I even wore special underwear because I thought R was going to see it," I said. "Let me see it," she said. Holly clicked the button to turn on the headlights which flashed briefly and then shut off again, quickly revealing black lace boyshorts that I'd bought "for" a previous boyfriend right before we broke up. "Can I take them off?" I lifted myself up and she did. We wrestled with each other sideways on the couch and just explored each other. It was a surreal experience, feeling on someone else all of the parts that I had on me. She was much smaller, and inside her my fingers were surrounded by something so hot. I wondered if this was what I felt like at the time. I'd only ever let someone go down on me a few times in my life and none of those times felt very good (although I think it was a mix of bad company and inexperience). I was dismayed that I wasn't immediately ready to come. See, in the few experiences I had, they were all bad, and everything related to sex caused shame and certainly no good feelings down there at all. But I could FEEL something so I wanted all of those feelings right away. But I knew that neither of us had the energy to finish anything. I kissed her and flipped her over and did the same thing to her. I was so new at this and so worried I'd get something wrong. I did the only thing I knew to do, but saw that she was so tired and I wanted her to sleep. So we put our clothes back on and began to process what had just happened. That last part, even though it should have been the most memorable, was not. I think I was so exhausted I just coudln't remember any more.

We got up from her couch and I said "That was kinda hot." "No,"she said, "that was REALLY hot." We kissed one more time, and she walked me back to my car.

And that was it. I knew she had a boyfriend, and I wasn't planning on this being anything permanent. I was OK with it. I didn't anticipate the kind of aftermath it had, and it took me a few months to decide that yes, I was bisexual. I talked it out with Emily for a long time and she pointed out that it was the first time I'd been involved in anything sexual that didn't involve shame and pain. And it just felt so normal. The guilt I felt came from something else, I don't know what. But not that. I think I was in shock. I didn't really know what to feel. I'll get into that another day.

Note: Holly was conscious and we had conversations during all of this so I am not worried about consent. I still maintain that there was nonconsensual sex after the consensual sex in the situation I've discussed in a previous entry. I was passed out and I made it clear I didn't want to continue. OK.

I like writing things out as stories. I think I'll do that again. I already have ideas.

Life update, Photo Edition.

2009-08-22T21:16:00.006-04:00

I can't decide what to write about. I want to talk about my mental health issues more, because I have more information now, but I also want to talk about my new classroom. I'll go with the new classroom. As you know, I am no longer in an ED classroom. Last year was so full of stress and crying and stuff. Most of my students made great progress, but at the expense of my health. I'm now teaching in a different school (same corporation) in a 3-4 (well, they moved a couple 2nd graders to my room) LifeSkills classroom. This includes students with severe disabilities. It's hard to explain. We are working on functional academics and daily living skills. Because these kids are still working on recognizing and writing their names, matching identical items, identifying shapes, colors, survival words, etc. You get the picture. I have a couple of medically fragile students as well. They both have grand mal seizures frequently, so I have to keep an eye out for that. People ask me why I work with these kids, they tell me I have patience, and that I must be some sort of angel. Well, not really. The real angels are general ed teachers. I loathe teaching general ed. I did it a few times subbing. I dropped that degree early on and stuck with special ed. Anyway, I love these kids. I feel most comfortable around them. I've really gotten attached to one already. Sweet little J (I assign random letters for my students if I talk about them) is in third grade and unfortunately her seizure meds have really lowered her functioning. But even on day two, she was more alert, and she was holding eye contact with me for almost 10 seconds at a time. She isn't tracking too well with objects, but then again I wouldn't really want to look at a cup full of Pediasure for too long anyway. Who knew they made banana flavored? I have quiet kids, except for one. S has a loud cry that suspiciously sounds like a lot of other autistic kids I've worked with (I don't get hte similarity but all of them make my ears ring). They're all pretty sweet.

I feel peaceful. I know I will have hard times, but it won't be anything like last year. I feel somuch better. I visited my old school to meet with someone and as soon as I walked in, I felt the huge weight on me. I forgot what that felt like. It made me realize I made the right decision to leave.

Unlike last year, I have two wonderful staff members in the room to assist. They actually do what I ask them to do, and have a good balance of respect/love and laying down the law.

This is the week before school...I'm just pretending to work on stuff. Really, I'm freaking out.

I take the best pictures when I'm feeling some intense emotions. Sometimes it's anger, sometimes it's sadness, and sometimes it's lust. It happens to be anger here, after this ridiculous conversation I had that made me want to just throttle someone. It was around that time I completely cut off a whole bunch of my friends. I feel better for it.

Last bit of info: I've started playing my violin again. I played for about 8 years and then stopped in college. My goal is to play in a symphony within the next couple of years, either in my city or the next over. However, when you stop playing, your fingers get all soft again. I'm trying to reacquaint them with the strings. Note the string markings on my fingertip. I do love this picture.

2009-08-16T21:02:00.003-04:00

My mental health issues are really getting me down right now. Thanks to some new testing I've been requesting for ages, I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (just not the "classic" kind everyone thinks of), a secondary of at least having borderline personality traits, and a provisional diagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder. My therapist explained it like this: maybe if I get on some bipolar med like Lacmictal, Depakote, or whatever (they often use anticonvulsants), it might take care of my giant temper so therefore the IED as well. I don't completely understand the psych report I read. I told my therapist to read it and she said she'd translate it for me. Basically, I have a lot of mood swings. I have a terrible temper. I take everything personally. Loren said she's not surprised at that. I got yelld at in high school for dating behind my parents' backs. They monitored my email and phone calls and we were not on good terms. In college, everyone I knew, everyone, got all bitchy with me about dating this jerk. Yes, he was a jerk who hurt me, but I needed friends, not more rules about when and where i could see him. I didn't need people following me, and I certainly didn't need to be kicked out of the one place I thought I could trust people. So hte reason I'm paranoid now? That's because I got a bunch of crap dumped on me all at one time. Of COURSE I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Because for a while, I WAS. So now it manifests itself in me having very thin skin, and thinking everyone is insulting me when they're making general statements.

It's so hard to go through life thinking everyone is out to get you. As much as I tell myself it's notr ttrue, it doesn't work. For a while, no one really cared enough to really hear my side of the story. And now, with all this other stuff going on, I can go from normal to raging mad in under 10 seconds. If I don't get out of there ASAP, and sometimes I get no warning, I will scream at people uncontrollably and pound my fists and cry and claw at my face in frustration. It makes me want to cut all over again. Now I just scratch. It feels cathartic. I'll discuss self injury anothe time. If someone criticizes me, or even so much as postpones something or changes a plan, I break down. I feel like they don't like me, and also, my schedule is changing and I simply cannot handle that and I get panicked.

Right now I'm stressing about school. Yes, I love teaching kids with severe disabilities. But I've never had to plan a classroom all by myself. I'm very worried. It's all new for me. I have a principal who is supportive but has very high standards, once being a special ed teacher herself. I hope if I seem proactive and ask questions maybe she won't mistake me for being lazy. I'm just new and need to know things. Nothing can REALLY prepare you for having your own classroom.

My Xanax I took is making me tired. I got some water on the computer and the mother(fucking)board is done for. I needed a new computer before December anyway because my warranty ends, and I NEED that warranty. Guess I am getting a new one now. I screamed at technical support because the salespeopleweren't going to be there until Monday. I then cried, no, sobbed, uncontrollably for a few minutes. I didn't settle down until I took Xanax.

If you know any of my friends, please understand my mental health issues are completely confidential. Please respect that. Don't even allude to them. I'll share when I'm ready if I ever do.

It's scary going through life when you are at the mercy of your emotions. All I want is a little bit of control.

2009-08-09T23:17:00.002-04:00

Reality: I am not ready to accept you. Go fuck yourself.

Today's blog entry brought to you by: school starting in a week, emails from the office asking me questions about new responsibilities (which reminded me that vacation was over and I needed to be an adult again), special ed meetings, psychological diagnoses from my doctor that I may discuss later that are troubling me, and Adam Savage of Mythbusters who says "I reject your reality and substitute my own."

Really?

2009-08-04T12:34:00.002-04:00

I fucking have pinkeye. What am I, 8? *grumble grumble*

That is all. I will have a recipe to share with you later.

(Grandma's house through my old Kodak Duaflex viewfinder)

Shedding.

2009-08-03T11:09:00.003-04:00

I've been trying really hard the past few months to be more open, and to maybe tell people that I'm not as angry as I seem, and I've been realizing how angry I am and I've been writing a lot about becoming more feminine, nicer, kinder, and that I was ready to allow someone else to maybe make decisions in a relationship. I decided to reveal that there was a person inside there who wasn't just angry at life. I let my guard down. This part of me is guarded with angry dogs to scare people away and cameras so I know when someone's getting close (and this analogy is getting overdone so I'll move on.) That ended up not going so well. I don't want to be misunderstood, so I'll explain.

I don't WANT to look like I need rescuing. I don't WANT to look like I need someone to ride off into the sunset with me. And you know, this is my blog that none of my RL friends are supposed to know about, so I'm going to get as personal about my life as I feel is necessary. Otherwise, what's the point of having it? Every time someone in RL asks to read it, I always say no. I asked both of my parents, BFF, my stylist (who doubles as a therapist sometimes), and my brother if they got that vibe. They didn't. My dad is so wise. He didn't sound surprised at all to hear that something I was hoping for with someone didn't work out. Now, no one in my family belongs to this Christian community we all belonged to; my brother just left too. I had my own reasons for leaving, including being given an ultimatum regarding my bisexuality. I decided a place I cannot be out is a place I can't be at all without being miserable. Not a lot of straight people understand that. They think it's something I can box away and express at scheduled times so that other people are not uncomfortable.

Where was I going with that? Oh yeah. He said I need to be with someone who likes the real me. Unbeknownst to me, I was faking it. I'm glad I came to that realization. So to get back to the real me: I'm redyeing my hair dark brown (and doing purple streaks instead of pink) and I'm getting that tattoo, although not of the same thing (something similar to this cat, I'm going to have the tattoo artist help draw it). I'm excited about it.

Right now I'm leaving my skirt behind (see the picture at the bottom). I'm not leaving femme behind (because as well all know femme doesn't always = skirts and whatnot) but I'm taking a few days to feel less vulnerable. I almost feel like it's drag when I wear boy clothes deliberately. It's something tangible that I can wear as a shield, to help give me the confidence I need to get me through whatever it is until my insides recover. I feel like a bad feminist, because I should feel confident and safe in women's clothes. But I don't. And after writing about TW and what he did to me, it made me remember how helpless I felt and how I could almost physically feel myself spiraling. I don't want to be the person who needs someone. When I said I wanted someone to take care of me, what I meant was that I want a partner who is not going to get me drunk and take advantage of me. Someone who isn't going to threaten to kill or maim anyone who looks at his girlfriend for too long. Someone who will stop when I say no. And most importantly, someone who will know the balance between love, respect, and chivalry, and having fun and doing things like grabbing me by my collar and kissing me (which is totally hot, by the way). That's what I want.

I had a long talk with my dad and he said that I needed to just cut myself off from people who believed such opposite things because it would only frustrate me to try and be friends with them. It doesn't succeed, because I feel on the outside. I hate myself for trying so hard to talk and fit in and then knowing all too well that I will have nothing to say to anyone except for this one really cool guy who spent 3o minutes with me talking to me about WOW and what's in hot dogs. But on the whole we have different worldviews and that's never going to change. My parents may not like this community we were in, and they don't keep in contact with anyone, but my dad pointed out that I go further and I just do not agree with pretty much anything so being involved in that even in small ways will simply make me feel worse about myself. He has a point. He discouraged me from moving to a bigger city in case I just get isolated there too. The other night I felt so suffocated in the straight bar I thought about it. I read what you all have to say and I am envious that you have like-minded friends and some semblance of a GLBT community. I want that. And even if you don't have a huge community, you have a partner. I'm envious. I'll give myself this year to see how it all works.

I don't know what the solution is. I have a few things I know of where I can get involved and I am going to try really hard to go. Dad said to throw myself into something I love so I'm going to take my camera more places and get back into that more. We'll see. Anything to help.

Reasons why. (long, but important)

2009-07-31T18:27:00.008-04:00

Now that I feel freer to do so, I'm going to post about something that happened ages ago that has a lot to do with why I am the way I am. If you have the time, please read to the end. I guess I feel like I should post this here because it reveals so much about me and how I am in relationships. I'm much stronger now, and I'm not quite as afraid, but there are still repercussions.

Trigger warning

Many moons ago I wrote about this boy, TW, and how we met again in August. Let's rewind then, to maybe February of my first year in college. I was someone I didn't even recognize. I was staying out almost until dawn quite often, was hiding from everyone, including my best friend, because I knew they knew who I was with and no one approved (for good reason). But no one had ever expressed such strong feelings toward me and I wasn't sure how to handle them. I was flattered but at the same time scared. He was intense and possessive and rash.

And this is what happened that has given me so many issues. I still feel shame and guilt about this. We were out late one night, probably somewhere at Notre Dame. I had hardly just kissed him when this happened (and he was only my second kiss). What happened next was, well, he was manipulating my hands and limbs and I may as well have not been there. It was the most degrading thing that has ever happened to me. I clearly did not want to be there, but was afraid to say anything. He always whined and made me feel guilty when I didn't do what he wanted. Now let me say something about these kinds of things couples do. When you're with someone, and you say, hey, this is what I want, is this OK, or, let me show you what I like, that is a different story. But this was different. It was unwelcome and selfish and self-serving and it was obvious I didn't want to do it. And when it was over and there was stuff all over me I had to look away and scrunch my eyes shut and pretend that I wasn't ashamed and guilty and a good bit of disgusted too, just at the whole situation. When he was doing that, the only thing I knew how to do was get numb. I closed my eyes and waited for it to be over. It has taken me years to try and get around that. In my head, I'm just screaming for him to stop touching me and to stop making me touch him, but nothing ever left my mouth. I was too scared.

It sounds so trivial when I read it, but it wasn't for me. I was innocent, scared, young, and under a lot of pressure.

In that July, after my freshman year of college, I went to a friend's house to have some drinks and hang out. Turns out he was there too, and no one told me until I was almost there (no one told him I was coming either, I think M and C were just trying to get us to be civil, not knowing how screwed up we were). I was so upset. He was being really emo that night too, threatening to jump off the balcony and such. He gets mean when he drinks and his medicine wears off. Late nights were not fun. I kept refusing to drink. He kept pressuring me. He knew that I got extra clingy when drinking. And eventually I had one, and he took it as an invitation to get all close to me. As a joke, but now I know I shouldn't have said it, I said something like, I'm nowhere near drunk enough for THAT. So he pushed more drinks on me until I let him close to me. When my friends went to bed, I was falling asleep on the floor, and asked him to stay until I was asleep. I'd had way too much to drink. And the memory gets fuzzy in places, but although I was into what he was doing at first, the next thing I remember, I was trying to tell him no, and that I wanted to just sleep, he kept doing things. I'd pass out and come to again in a different place in the room, and God only knows what he did when I was out. Even if I was conscious, I was clearly VERY inebriated, and the issue of consent gets really tricky here. He was almost sober. And he knew how much I'd had to drink. He kept waking me up and telling me to do things and again moving my hands and this time pushing my head down. I still can't give that to anyone. I just can't. Maybe someday, but not yet. I remember how his hand felt on mine and how cold his belt buckle was. I could still taste the mudslides. His hands were in my hair so much that it was tangled almost beyond help in the morning. My shoulders were sore because he pushed on them and my collarbones. I could hardly walk. I was dirty and tired and sore and full of shame. He left early to go golfing. I was lying there alone until I was able to get up and put my contacts in. I attempted to brush my hair but it hurt too much. When I got in my car, I saw a note on my seat telling me how great the night was and how happy it made him. I still don't understand why he thought it was OK. He never understood how much he hurt me.

I also had this other post in my drafts which I started writing after reading some of Leo's stuff. I'll just add it to this post.

I'm a femme, and I'm a bottom, and even contemplating the concept of submissive. But still, for several years, I couldn't be touched. I wanted to be touched and I wanted to feel it. I just couldn't. I've never attached a label to my identity that relates to my hesitation with being touched. It's better now than it was, but I'm still afraid sometimes. This is all a result of the two things I already talked about. Even more than a year or two later, whenever a significant other touched me, even just once, I went into that mode. And mentally, immediately afterward, I felt shame. I felt exactly what Leo described. "I felt myself grow cold and a wave of feeling tiny, small, helpless, and saturated with shame overcame me." After being rejected so many times I stopped telling people when I felt like that. It was old, familiar numb that turned into old, familiar pain.

Cat knew. She knew right away. We would lie in bed and she would make me vocalize my fears and experiences and wants. And even though it didn't end up working, because you can't have two set-in-their-ways bottoms together, "She touched the place in me I held safe behind barbed wire and alarm sirens" (articulate and eloquent phrase from Leo). It was a first for me. It wasn't perfect, but it was a start.

I'm still sorting this through. It doesn't hurt to talk about it until I start talking about how things felt, smelled, sounded like....I was fine today until I started talking about that stuff.

I want to be able to have someone touch me and I want to feel it. I don't want to go to the numb place in my mind.

Biphobia

2009-07-27T22:19:00.003-04:00

I read this story on The Lesbian Lifestyle blog tonight. I know I'm not lesbian, but I follow a lot of lesbian blogs just the same. It sounds like this woman is proud of herself for being who she is, and I respect that. What bothers me is that she implied that bisexual = casual encounters and that she could never be happy with a bisexual woman. I've never understood the rampant discrimination against bisexuals in the lesbian community. What exactly did we DO to make you distrust us so much? There are bisexuals who are only looking for casual things and bisexuals looking for relationships. There are lesbians in both groups too. People of every orientation. I just don't get it. I know lesbians who simply refuse to date bisexuals on principle. Why would you do this? If we have common interests, and we want to be involved in the same communities you are, and we want to date you and only you, what's the problem? Maybe there's some valid reason I've never heard, but to equate the entire group by saying they just want encounters rather than relationships is ignorant. Let's not divide our community. We suffer enough discrimination as it is.

I just made myself so open I'm almost in two.

2009-07-26T21:57:00.002-04:00

I'm still trying to learn some terminology as I read blogs from online friends who dabble in the BDSM world. I'm an outsider looking in and I have stereotypes mixed with stories without context and no prior relationship to the author. It's all very confusing. I just came across a post that differentiated between bottom and submissive (honestly I'm still trying to differentiate the two, the latter seems like it has a deeper meaning). What got me was her talking about being submissive and the trust she has for the other person to bring her to dark places and then back again whole. I can't decide if that would be a terrible thing for me, or a healing thing.

I was a victim of assault. Someone I trusted, someone I'd dated, someone with him just minutes earlier I'd been on the same page with. There was no coming back from that dark place, mostly because he didn't think I was IN one (I still don't think he knows he did anything wrong). And part of me wonders if it would help heal me, but the rest of me thinks that if I ever ever let someone hurt me physically, even consensually, it would bring back such terrible memories and it wouldn't matter how they brought me back and took care of me afterwards.

This is all speculation, really. I have no plans to seriously look into this, but it just got me thinking. Last week in therapy L and I talked about why I shut people out with my anger and why I use my activism as a crutch sometimes. I was pretty much rejected by almost everyone I trusted all at one time. The really angry entry I wrote a couple weeks ago talked about this. I had no one except BFF, and even then, our relationship was complicated because it hurt her a lot to watch me spiral downward. What I needed was support from my family and friends, not rejection, but it's in the past. What is difficult for others to understand is that though the past is behind me, and I'm not running through it in my head every day or even every week, it's still there, and your experiences change you for good and for bad. Even my mom, who is an abuse survivor (this is why I loathe my mom's sisters and her mother when she was alive but I'll never tell anyone), doesn't always understand what my problem is.

The difference between my mother and me is, well, I guess there's more than one. She suffered much more serious abuse than I ever did. And she told me she was pretty crazy for a while too. But then she met my dad, and they went off and got married and got the hell out of here for a while. I don't have someone like that. Dad grounds her. He's stable for her. He showed her how to act when she didn't have any good role models. She changed and she's strong. I can only think of one person I'd ever be willing to change for (and that's really saying something) but I don't think it's happening right now, although I'm pretty in the dark, and even if it was, I'd like to think I could do this on my own. I don't know if I can. I'd like to try.

As much as I fight and say that I am independent, I want someone to take care of me so badly. I want someone who won't break my trust. If you really care for me, I'll trust you, and I'll take your direction.

I got way off track. I was talking about why I put up walls. And I may have explained this earlier. But I'm so afraid of being rejected again and feeling ashamed for something I've done, or something I am, that I'm going to just shut out everyone right off the bat and weed out the people who might reject me later, that way I don't get involved and attached and then hurt later. I sound like I never want to change and that I don't want someone's help. I do. I want it so badly. This is me screaming for acceptance.

I was about to delete the whole last paragraph. I would hate for people to know I'm not strong on my own, like I was some weak, breakable thing. I'm an adult, I can take care of myself, and even with all this going on, I can have a normal relationship. I have. Not that things with T worked out that happily, but still. I kept my head on.

I'm not weak, but I'm not as resistant and independent as I say I am to most people.

I feel so raw right now. I need to stop writing. I'm done for the night. I'm going to go to bed and try to get enough sleep to be ready for the day.

2009-07-15T22:13:00.002-04:00

When will I be able to be real with people? Let people see who I am and what I want and how I feel about things that are important to me?

I'm real with my dad, and Susan, and BFF, and P. And I'm real on this blog.

It seems backwards that the face I put on for everyone else is so angry and I have such a wall around me. It's easier than being me. I suppose I don't want people to assume things about me so I try hard to create this identity that is loud, but not necessarily honest.

I just don't get it. I feel stronger keeping everyone out, but it's lonely in here. The question is, of course, how do I let people in? How do I let everyone know that I'm not a mean person? My nature is nurturing and logical and practical and compassionate. I have strong opinions, but they're not as earth-shattering as I make them out to be. Those are my covers. I'm tired of them. They're getting too heavy for me to keep.

And the gender of the day is....

2009-07-12T12:26:00.003-04:00

I felt like crap yesterday. I was angry and then becuase of what my mom said, turned into a crying little girl. I hate doing that. I feel like I'm too old for that. I should have talked to my dad. I don't know what it is with me, but I've lost patience for discussions that turn into "treasure the time we have/we love you and let's sit down and have a talk." It's part of why I go to my dad. He won't do that. He loves me, and we're very close, but he isn't warm and fuzzy. He's kind, but practical and logical. He won't start crying. I'm uncomfortable around crying adults. I don't know why. I get uncomfortable. And when I cry in front of people, I never used to care too much. But depending on who it is, and especially if it's my parents, I swallow the tears, put on an expressionless face, and suck it up. And then later I feel worse for keeping it all in. But I digress.

Today I'm channeling all of the masculine energy I have. I have a "bad day and need to feel powerful" outfit. This more relates to the whole dominant/submissive rather than butch/femme. It's hard to explain, but it's one of the first things I noticed about myself when I began to take a look at identity and sexuality.

I might stay home and eat now, but later I will go out, and feel awesome about myself.

2009-07-11T23:07:00.003-04:00

Wow, so angry when I wrote that. I was going to apologize, but that would defeat the purpose of this blog. It probably wasn't necessary to name-call or anything, or get that nasty, but that's what you do when you're angry.

Loren would be proud of me. Susan would be too. I didn't scream, I didn't make a scene, I wasn't throwing things...I just got up and left. I sat on the front porch and wrote in my super secret blog, and when I came in to say goodbye to my mom, who turned it into a "we don't have all the time in the world to be happy together" talk, I was crying, but it was sad crying, not angry crying.

So I'm proud of myself for not going off the deep end. And right now I am feeling calm. I fought this with only sitting on the front porch and taking a drive. Yay for me.

2009-07-11T20:53:00.003-04:00

This is so fucking stupid. Maybe I'm being childish, but it doesn't change how I feel. See now when my parents were busy following me around when I was out with guys, waiting outside one's apartment for me, scouring the computer for my searches, and screaming at me when they saw a hickey on my neck, I was trusting them less and less. I told them less, and eventually told them nothing. They handled a bad situation in a bad way, and our relationship suffered for it. So did this group I belonged to. They reported me to the adult heading me (which is I suppose someone who guides and counsels you, it's complex) when I was at a party drinking underage. I was given rules like never to speak to this guy, not to date him or anyone else, and when it was discovered I had, and I'd done stuff with him, I was kicked out. They call it asking me to leave, but there was no asking. This man in charge came to my house, told my PARENTS before he told me, and then came and said he was ending my committment and that I could come back once my life was in order. Anyone who defends them hasn't REALLY seen what happens behind closed doors. They fucking demeaned me. But that's all a tangent. Ever since then, I've been afraid to tell my parents about anything in my love life, even if I simply go on a date with someone. I'm afraid they'll ground me and stop paying for me. Well, when they were paying for my school and whatnot. And here is the big one. I was living alone in this apartment near campus. I had no job, they were paying my rent, so I still had to follow a few rules. I just didn't understand how stringent they were. I was dating this guy at the time, and he was going to come visit me. When my parents found out he would be staying with me, my dad flew off the handle. We got in a huge argument and he basically said that it was not going to happen. I thought he was going to cut me off. All this for a night in the same place. I wasn't planning on sleeping with him or anything, honestly. I had a revelation while dating B about someone else, and ever since then almost no one has been good enough. Almost. But that's another story. Eventually I conceded and it turned into this big turning point where I just listened to my dad and our relationship got better and all that. My dad is pretty wise, and I come to him with a lot. But he is't infallible, and I still hold that he was wrong in that. I'm still not sure what everyone's problem was. Even if he'd stayed with someone else, if we;d wanted to do something, we would have found a way and done it. You can't control people.

What brought this on? Well, I found out tonight that when my brother's pseudo-girlfriend came to visit, this indecisive redneck over-makeuped girl who tore my brother to bits, they slept in the same ROOM with the DOOR closed. I mean, what is this?

It sounds trivial and childish. But that was a horribly painful time in my life, and the way my parents watched me like a hawk and yelled at me and basically implied I was a ho who couldn't control any impulses, it made it all so much worse. And to think I conceded to my dad that time. After all that, they decide that the rule is silly and let my brother and K sleep in the same room. It doesn't even make sense. It seems very hush-hush, the times they've told me how they know that it will all be OK, and how it's private and they won';t tell me (it sounds suspiciously like Dumbledore and Snape). I don't care WHAT you say. They're teenagers and they have hormones and I wouldn't at all be surprised if they'd gotten it on every night in the same house as my parents (although that thought creeps me out, I could NEVER do that with my parents in the same house). It just makes all the crap I went through pointless. It makes me wonder why they could place so little trust in me. I have a sneaking suspicion part of it is because I could get pregnant. My mom even told me once she didn't care that I slept over at Cat's once because we were both girls. It's all just fucked up. So when this was revealed, I knew I COULD make a scene, but quietly put my water down and walked away. I went to the basement to do launrdy, got my computer, and went outside and have been out here on my laptop ever since. I'm going to grab my laundry, wet, and take it back with me and will do it at the apartment even though it's expensive. But not without telling my mom one more thing.

When I got my tattoo, I got the Chinese symbol for purity. It has since been removed, and I won't tell anyone what it was. Emily, BFF, thought it would be a good new beginning. I was happy about that. I went home and days later when my mom found out and I told her what it was, she just scoffed at me. She scoffed, stuck her nose in the air, rolled her eyes, and said, "You? Pure? Ha." and she walked away.

I've never quite gotten over that.

Question of the Day

2009-06-26T16:34:00.003-04:00

What is a stone butch? And more importantly, why is a stone butch a stone butch? Though I'm sure there are a myriad of reasons, it's just that I don't know any of them. I don't want anyone to think I want to really dig into someone's deep dark secrets, but it's an area of our community that I don't really understand. Most of the lesbians I know are ones who reject any kind of labels other than gay, and don't ever want to discuss gender with me. They're just not interested. So I have a lot to learn.

Today's post is about tattoos.

2009-06-25T16:30:00.002-04:00

I might actually be posting daily. Sorry if you get inundated with posts if you don't check here very often. See, now I want to get this tattoo on my back. Here's a picture of it taped to my back. This was one of my ways to see if I really liked it. It's not the most flattering picture, but the idea is, I wanted to check it out first. I liked it. I will move it down a couple inches to center it more between my shoulder blades, but that's it. Or so I thought. For a while I've been researching tattoo places and I found one I like. But as I visited there today, got a business card, ensured it was clean and sterile, and had the guy price my tattoo and see how much detail I would lose, I started to get nervous. I've been talking about this for a while. Although it isn't huge, it also isn't a small tattoo. It's that large and in that place because my first tattoo was small and by my right shoulder blade. I got it at a terrible time in my life, and Mom knew it, and paid for me to get it removed. This is why I've waited years to think about another one. I didn't want another small tattoo by the shoulder blade. I don't like ankle or arm tattoos on me. And they would be hard to cover up for school. I don't want it on my hips, because I know my weight fluctuates, and I'm starting to lose some of it, and don't want the shape to get wonky. My back is looking like the only option. And a small cross, unless it's by the shoulder blade, would look silly. Does it look dumb? Does it look too big?

Another issue I'm having is with other people's reactions. I can think of a person or two who would probably dislike it a great deal, and to be honest, I'd rather not completely rule out the possibility of a relationship just because I want this thing. It's not THAT important to me. I mean it is, but it isn't. I began thinking about the phrase "If he/she loves you, it won't matter what you look like." This is true, but I feel like I should point out to myself that everyone is attracted to different people and looks and personalities. For example, I've never been attracted to someone with blond hair and blue eyes. I always end up dating people with dark hair and oftentimes green eyes. I don't specifically search for people with these traits, I just am more likely to be attracted to these people. Maybe there are people who just don't like tattoos, and won't be attracted to me. I can't even type this and lie to you all and say there's not a couple people in my head. But can I really be thinking of their opinion when I'm making decisions about my appearance? How much does that matter? Should I even care?

My priority in this tattoo, or any, is that it won't be hard to cover during school, it won't fade to a funky color (I'm getting it done in black and will retouch if needed), and won't be SO intricate that the edges will be blurry.

Also, this thing will take 2 hours, if I get that size. Ouch. I'm not into the whole pain=adrenaline thing. It only works with piercing. My old tattoo did hurt, and not in a good way.

Thoughts?

2009-06-25T07:19:00.002-04:00

I added a little more explanation to my Savage Love post. Just trying to explain myself so it doesn't sound judgmental. Maybe I just sound too traditional, but that's my philosophy when it comes to love. Nothing behind someone's back. Talk about things. Make decisions together. But I know the edits won't come up in Reader.

2009-06-24T23:38:00.002-04:00

Also, I feel I should mention that the post on dating wasn't as much about a specific situation (although I'm sure the thought train had to start SOMEwhere) and more about what healthy dating is. I know there's more than one way to do it, and I'm just exploring it. It's something I really need to know. I'm capable, and I like it, but I'm still new in it.

I saw L today and she asked me (she's right, of course) if my insistence on planning and knowing what's coming gives me a sense of security, and that's why I do it, and why it spills over into my love life. Well, yes. I hadn't thought about it that way before, but that's really it.

I'm not really one for starting things with an explosion, and then figuring it out. I'm just not wired that way. I need to do things systematically, with knowledge about the other person first, and any kind of physical anything later. With T, that wasn't an issue, but it wasn't until later that I realized that it was because I wasn't really attracted to her. She was too passive, too willing to let me do all the talking/decision making/move making. It stressed me the hell out. But I've talked about that many times before. I know it's different when you are with a person who cannot even stand next to you without the whole bottom half of your face shaking because you are trying not to grin like a moron. Again. Uh, not speaking from experience or anything. Point is, it's that I'm not always sure how to pace things.

What I'm grateful for is that I've come down off this 2 or 3 week long "up" period where I've had trouble sleeping, I've been very mood swingy, but mostly happy. I was just coasting on this extra energy from something and my mind was making up these scenarios ALL day and I could not stop it no matter what I tried. And I think my weekend at th retreat cooking, which exhausted me, just broke it. Finally I woke up on Monday morning feeling better about life. I was calmer, quieter, and at peace with all of my uncertain things. It feels wonderful.

Savage Love

2009-06-24T23:02:00.004-04:00

I feel like someone told me to listen to Savage Love (Dan Savage's podcast). So today I did. And it made me angry. I couldn't even finish it. Now, I'm getting to be more open-minded about relationships and sex and whatnot. Here's what bugged me. Someone called in saying that one, their husband had health issues and sex wasn't really possible, and second, that she wasn't attracted to him anyway, that she just saw him as the father of her kids. Her friend is the one calling, and said she frst admonished her for wanting sex elsewhere and leaving the kids with the dad if she left, and then started to wonder how she could help. Well, Mr. Brillianthead said that cheating was a great idea. She should find someone to cheat with who is having the same problem. It would apparently help her stay in her marriage if she got her freak on elsewhere. I'll explain my feelings about this after I talk about the next caller.

This other woman called in and said her sex life wasn't what it used to be, and that she has tried for years to help him figure out what she likes, and nothing has worked. Well, she's started cheating on him and I guess she's all happy with this man. She wants to leave him and stay with this guy. I feel for the woman, I really do. It may not have been sex, I wasn't doing that, but I do understand that sometimes it's frustrating when no one listens to you. For example, I hated being treated like I'm delicate. If you're going to kiss me, KISS me, for heaven's sake. I suppose not every time has to be exactly the same, but that's something I like. I'm not breakable, I'm not delicate, and if you go there, I get bored very quickly. However, when I was in that position in a relationship, I was not about to go out and cheat on this person with someone who listened to my likes and dislikes. He said to "throw a bomb at his feet" and just leave him. Perhaps maybe they should have a conversation first?

Now, even though I'm totally 100% monogamous, I know there are people who aren't. That's fine, I'm not here to tell them they're wrong. But that's different than cheating. Polyamorous people discuss things with one another. If there's communication, and the husband says OK sure that's fine, that's one thing. If she cheats, that's a violation of trust.

There was a couple on there who hadn't had sex for religious reasons. I did think that (I have my own personal reasons now), and I'm pretty sure I'll date someone who thinks that. I can live with that. In fact, when L pointed out that I might not feel pressured to offer my body to them just because I thought it was all they wanted (my ex kinda used my body for his own agenda, never asked if it was OK, and didn't think it had any effect on me and in fact thought he was being the best boyfriend EVER), I was thrilled. YES! For once, I'm NOT feeling pressured to do ANY of the things I don't want to do. This is something I need to work on with someone who will be there with me for the long haul. But that's another story. This girl called in with a question about her fiance. He was having, well, lasting issues (I may be open minded about things but I'm still not good at using actual words). He basically yelled at her and called her names for waiting, called him names, said it was utter bullshit for anyone to wait until marriage, and told her over and over to go over there and demand he give her sex. I'm sorry, what? Again, you need to have more discussions with your partner. So OK, it might mean their marriage starts off with needing to have several long talks about their love life, but what marriage doesn't? He didn't even try to keep the disdain from his voice.

Talk, people. One of the best relationship things I've ever learned. Be open. Having an open relationship could be good for some people. Cheating (implying secrecy) is never good. It's not unforgivable, and it's something I feel I might be able to work through if a partner cheated on me, but it's still cheating. And while it may bring up some issues to wait until marriage, it's not bullshit, and it's not an invitation to be berated for it. Telling someone to give it up and have sex when they already said they didn't want to doesn't even make sense.

Has anyone else listened to him? What do you think? I've only heard one episode, but that was enough.

Put me back together again.

2009-06-23T15:21:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a state of bodily disarray. Things are not where they should be, and I can't seem to decide where the ground is. I'm everywhere and nowhere.

2009-06-20T07:17:00.002-04:00

I've been posting a lot lately. Some people inspire conversation and musings, some people make me clam up like the awkward person I am. I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a migraine/not really a migraine but close. I have debilitating tension headaches that are sometimes accompanied with light sensitivity and nausea. It's my body's way of telling me I am really stressing about something. Sometimes I know what it is, sometimes I have to really search myself. I'm not light sensitive right now, but the back of my neck is so tight. My muscles around my head get so tight that they actually get sore and tired the way your legs do if you're standing for a long time. It's a strange feeling. I have to take aspirin with caffeine for my headaches to go away. Nothing else works. I also felt nauseous. So when I got up early to go in, I couldn't decide if I was just sick and ready to lose my dinner, or was headache sick. I talked to my kitchen co-person and said I would go back home for a bit. I drove and got some regular Coke (Mom once said flat warm Coke helps with nausea, I drink it cold and fizzy so I think it's a psychological effect) and took my aspirin. I'm not feeling hungry now, but certainly not on the verge of throwing up. My headache is slowly going away. Neck still sore.

As I've spent so much time lately being self-involved and letting my mind wander and either create heavenly or horribly depressing conclusions, I've been losing energy. Well, I'm restless, but haven't been able to really get myself to do anything. Last night I had a really good talk with my dad. He understands me. When I called my mom earlier in tears, I told her I wanted her to just comfort me. When I talked to Dad, I wanted his point of view. We think alike, though sometimes I get emotionally involved more than he does. He encouraged me to just live this summer. Explore things, go foward with life. And then this morning I was thinking about all that. As I was driving to get my Coke before going home to rest, I began thinking about my day. I was thinking about who and what is important to me, OTHER than this whole big other thing on my mind. I remembered that BFF was probably bringing Goddaughter to the retreat because she's working and could not find a babysitter. Between The Husband and I (he's one of the adults at the retreat) we can keep her occupied. If needed, I will take off early and put her to bed. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy. A, my goddaughter (she is...21 months-ish), has been much more outwardly affectionate towards me lately. She sits right next to me and picks up my arm and puts it around her when we watch Veggie Tales clips on my computer, and sometimes she'll just crawl up on me and touch her nose to my nose and grin. I'll be looking forward to seeing her.

I think I just need to be more deliberate with my activities. I took the last 3 days to be head clearing days. Wednesday I spent a few hours working on my curriculum for next year and watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 with my brother. I figured out part of why I love both those Kill Bill movies. The main characters are VERY strong women playing very masculine roles. You never see women as the assassins. Women don't kill 88 of Lucy Liu's men with one sword, even if it WAS a Hanzo Hattori. All of that masculine energy. So that was fun. Thursday I went to church (daily Mass with the whole 15 people who attend is the only REAL time I can spend with God), tutored a former student, and made some real food helped.

And Chicago Pride is in a week!!!!! I cannot wait to go with my mom. I am going to get all decked out in pride gear. I know some people are really opposed to that, but I think it will be fun. It's the only time of year I can really do that! I bet my mom will even put some rainbows on. She's liked rainbows WAY before I came out to her, or even myself. She's been really supportive. I know my dad is too, but parades aren't his thing. I'm going to buy some rainbow jewelry and maybe get a tank top or something.

And now for something completely different for anyone reading, butch, femme, or in between: Do you like a particular tone of voice? Deep, light, high....Do other femmes like deep voices? I've been thinking about it lately, and then remembering it again last night when someone I hadn't heard from in ages called me, and I remembered that deeper voices make me feel all woozy.

I write a lot in here as opposed to my other journal because I am just so tired of sharing things with so many people I'm not sure I can trust entirely. So sorry for all the rambling. Time for me to take a shower and decide whether or not I am OK enough to go back to the retreat yet. I will eventually, I do need to keep an eye on A.

One more thing. Yesterday, I was in a terrible mood. I just lost it over something and after I wenr home to take a shower, I dressed in my "I need to feel badass" clothes. I DO wear them when I'm feeling insecure. It's just an interesting phenomenon. The more powerful I need to feel, if I'm feeling low, the more masculine and badass I like. Hmm,.

2009-06-19T22:33:00.003-04:00

I listened to Sinclair's mix and came across the song "Come and Find Me" and it inspired this picture I took out in the rain today. I love when I get ideas and they work like I want them to.

I keep you in a flower vase
With your fatalism and your crooked face
With the daisies and the violet brocades
And I keep me in a vacant lot
In the ivy and forget-me-nots
Hoping you will come and untangle me one of these days

Come and find me now

2009-06-19T21:45:00.002-04:00

OK, I'm tired of being vague. This is MY place to be open, my place to rant, my place to explore my feelings. I created this blog so that I could be raw and honest and talk about what's going on in my head, and my deep dark secrets. So, basically, P: you've been forewarned. If reading all this personal stuff makes you feel all funny, can't say I didn't tell you this was personal.

Let me ask you all something. I know some of you are in committed relationships that are so filled with love and respect. I admire you for it. I want to get married. Maybe not today, but someday in the next few years. When you started dating, how did it start, exactly? How does on begin something? I'm not one to jump into things a whole lot, I take things very slowly in the physical area, with good reasons I may explain someday (ex, lots of trauma, date rape, etc. etc., I have a draft in my folder so I can explain this on here later) but when I like someone, I want to get to know them. A lot. Quickly. But I know not everyone is the same. When I dated Cat last summer, we had already established our mutual affection. So we were just furthering it. That's what I'm used to, I suppose. This is how my friends date.

I just need thoughts from other people. BFF isn't a lot of help in the experience department because she and The Husband were serious quickly, and he was her first serious boyfriend. My dad has been extremely helpful in terms of general advice, but not so much from personal experience. Mom's advice was seriously crazily bold and while that's like her, it's not like me. I may be acting like a little 13 year old (I'm even annoying myself), but I'm still me, and I'm not bold. I hint. I'll hint until I am blue in the face, but never really say a whole lot. Maybe I'm not as subtle as I think, but either way, if I'm with someone else subtle, nothing gets said!

I don't deal with uncertainty well. Am I the only one who hasn't outgrown it? I'm 25, and I'm running through things in my head like I'm in high school. What is the DEAL? I've had to practice clearing my head lately. In the past, I pierced something, tattooed something, done something else because adrenaline cures the panic, and I fall into a deep sleep. Turns out it's not a responsible way to cure stress. Instead I went to church and tutored a student and made an attempt at making REAL food and using a new recipe.

Anyway, back to my purpose. How did you start dating? Why? If you made mistakes, what's a better way of going about it? I've never been compatible with the stereotypical lesbian standard of the U-Haul. Maybe that's why I'm not a lesbian. Kidding. Really, I am. Keep in mind that I have love before sex, so that might affect responses/advice. Not that I'm judging other people, this is just me and how I work.

2009-06-19T14:10:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, knowing the answer doesn't even help.

Sometimes, the answer is as unclear as the question.

And sometimes, the answer is just plain unsatisfying.

I'm going to take a very hot shower. Sometimes crying is cathartic and it makes me feel better. Right now it just makes me feel like I'm a child again, and acting like one.

Is there merit in the element of surprise? To spontaneity? Is there a limit?

It's storming. Maybe God's being emo too. :)

2009-06-18T09:02:00.002-04:00

I hate the not knowing.

When you don't know, your head comes up with all these wild worst-case scenarios that drive you crazy. And seriously, I do not have that kind of energy.

I hate the not knowing.

AAAHHHHH!

2009-06-14T18:19:00.005-04:00

I'm so bored. What do teachers DO during the summer? I know at least Mondays are busy, and Tuesday I'm going to an art museum, but normally, there is nothing to do. I'm still waiting to meet with someone from the facility that works with adults and children with disabilities (I'll be volunteering with Protective Services). I can't imagine that will keep me busy all day every day, though I'm going to try and do as much as I can.

So right now? Nothing to do. I have about 400 more wedding reception photos to edit, but that involves sitting around being on my computer. Something I'd like to cut down on. Good heavens that was grammatically awkward.

Here are a couple photos from the reception. Will and Loren are so cute together. I enjoy photographing them. They don't really need much direction from me, I just tell them to do their thing, and they hold hands, and he kisses her cheek, or they make silly faces at each other...it made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

These kind of detail shots are my favorite. Will always just puts his arms around Lo so lovingly it makes me want to get married. Like right now. They are cute!

The family cake top for weddings. I messed with this picture for the longest time. I'm finally happy with it.

Everyone else was busy eating their salads, I was taking pictures of the table. Not surprising.

2009-06-12T09:58:00.002-04:00

Any of you who use feed readers, if you edit an entry, will that show up in the reader, or only the original?

I changed my long entry, 2 entries ago, because I mistyped majorly, but I don't know how that works. Even if I delete the entry and write a new one, the old one might still be on feed things. Maybe I'm the only one who uses one, just thought I'd ask.

New lens!!!

2009-06-11T22:18:00.002-04:00

Check out how FABULOUS this lens is! For the photography geeks who will get this, I rented a 50mm f/1.4 (drool) for the reception I'm shooting this weekend. I own a Canon Digital Rebel XT, looking to buy a 5D next year with the tax refund money. Right now I need to buy lighting and a lens.

In case anyone is interested, the link to my flickr is www.flickr.com/photos/mtheteacher

I'll follow, if I can trust who's leading.

2009-06-11T18:42:00.006-04:00

I like that as a motto. I'm keeping it.

I talked to my best friend today about what I've been writing about, and she understands. She told me once that she felt that way about some things, though we're not a whole lot alike. But she gets it, gets me in a way that's only shared by Susan. I never understood what she did at times because I would get my angry feminist out and think, why are you doing this or that, why is he doing this or that, be independent! And at that time, I wasn't aware that it wasn't a far-fetched idea when you actually respect the person you're with, and care about them. Well, the more smart respectful people I am around, the more I understand it. I know, I know, I'm repeating myself, but this is a big deal. It's all new to me, this way of thinking. So everything I've already told you about making decisions (or lack thereof) and calling the shots and opening the doors, it fell into place even more, because I can think in those terms now. Oh hey, some people are kind and respectful and caring, and I would TOTALLY compromise with them if a situation came up. GASP! Anyone who knows me in real life gets how crazy this is. I'm the most stubborn person most people know (Mom says I'm tied with Dad). It feels great though. But I'm still stubborn....just not about that! Don't get in my way when I'm trying to do something for my family or my students.

And the more I talk to my cats as kids the more I think maybe I could even handle a couple of kids someday. Although that's skipping a few steps, as I always tell my mom, who REALLY needs to stop spoiling Badger!!! Evan and I talked about that tonight. He thinks she should give him some of that money because he has things to pay for, and it's a lot more likely I'll have kids before he does (he'd BETTER not have any yet!), so that's kinda my job to give her kids to spoil instead of cats. Except, uh, not yet. I know I will LOVE my new job, and I don't want to give it up just yet, evne if only for a few years. I love my brother so much. We're actually friends, good friends, and I'm enjoying it.

I know. I'm repeating myself more. I'm slowly moving on talking about other things. But by the day more things make sense, so I want to write.

As a side note, I'm getting retested to see if my Axis 1 diagnosis needs to be changed. I have a fabulous nurse practitioner prescribing my anxiety meds and although I'm a whole heck of a lot nicer than I was a year ago, I go up and down too much for me to be comfortable (and my NP too). I can deal pretty well, I do alright for myself. But it's exhausting feeling things so intensely. Everyone gets excited and looks it, but I get hyped up pretty long into the night for several days and it's a pain. So I have testing that will be scheduled for about a month from now.

I'm pretty open about most of what goes on with me in that area (not all, but most). A lot of it has to do with reducing the stigma that goes with mental illness of any sort. I feel zero shame about my issues. I understand they are NOT my fault (I inherited the tendencies, and events in my life exacerbated these, and some just happened totally due to those genetics) and I know that therapy and medication help. I'm very aware of my body and what it's doing and how it is affected by different factors, so I am pretty quick to let my doctors know if something is up, and I'm usually right about what it is. As for therapy, I only see her every other week, and when I saw her yesterday, I just grinned most of the time and couldn't wait to tell her all of these good things that have happened in the past few months, and revelations I've had. She was happy too. I can see myself getting out of it not too far from now, but not until I get those weird highs and lows taken care of. Don't get me wrong, I love not being numb, but these are a little too intense for me.

I'm so unmotivated to cook right now. I think I was spoiled because someone else made lunch for me. Hmm. Well, if I eat a lot of watermelon and maybe scrounge up something else healthy, I won't feel bad about the hamburger I am about to get from Wendy's. No fries, no Frosty, no mayo or anything else fattening. Really, of all the things there, the cheeseburger (at least at Wendy's, not speaking for McdDonald's or anything) is a decent option. I've been pretty unmotivated to cook anyway. I need some good recipes that are simple and easy but are not any of the following (which are good, and I'm good at, but I'm tired of them): tacos, sloppy joes, meatloaf, plain breaded baked chicken, or barbecue chicken.

More randomness. Oh, I got the Wendy's, and it was great to get out and drive. I didn't even eat all the hamburger (yay for fewer calories). So I really got back into this movie called The Great Race. My grandparents introduced it to my parents, and then my family all watched it many times. It was made in 1965, and it's just good simple comedy. Lots of shenanigans and plans gone terribly hilariously wrong. I got interested in this again because my brother loved the music in it, and he gave me the songs. The waltz in there is a funny scene, and I love the music. I texted my brother today and told him when I get married (well, if I do) I am having that played, and I'd make him dance with me. He said sure. Teehee. I haven't thought much past that (mostly because that is not a reality right now) except that Em and I already had the maid of honor discussion. We both hate the phrase matron of honor (she's married, I was MOH for her) so we'll maybe just call it honor attendant. And for the rest of this entry, some good quotes, and then that will be all. This is such a disorganized entry. I'm going to turn out the lights to try and help me fall asleep and play a lot of classical music.

Professor Fate: What's next?
Max: Car number five, the engine falls out!
Professor Fate: Car number five! Ha ha ha ha!
[beat]
Professor Fate: Er, Max... *we're* number five

Maggie DuBois: And because I consider myself sexually free and morally emancipated, I am still a responsible, discriminating woman who does not intend to jump into bed with the first wavy-haired, muscle-bound, egocentric male who thinks he can seduce me by agreeing with some of the things I believe in.
Leslie: I only wanted to kiss you!

[gets hit in the face with a pie]
Prince Hapnick: [tastes pie] umm... brandy! Throw more brandy, throw brandy! More brandy! Brandy!
[gets hit again with a pie]
Prince Hapnick: umm... rum! I never mix my pies!

Professor Fate: Leslie escaped?
General: With a small friar.
Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?

Leslie: Are you a native of Boracho?
Lily Olay: I ain't no native, I was born here!

West Wing Quote

2009-06-10T16:09:00.002-04:00

Now I've heard New Testament things against homosexuality, but this doesn't deal with those. Anyway, this is hilarious. And I loved it, and I clapped.

President Josiah Bartlet: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes it does. Leviticus.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.

Open me up and see how I work.

2009-06-08T16:22:00.006-04:00

I've been claiming not to ever want kids but I don't know. I think it's related to the same false presupposition that if I date a guy, they'll end up doing something silly (just recently realizing THAT is not true!). I've come to some conclusions here about raising kids. I feel like I have to be the epitome of nurturing. I was going to give examples but they make it sound like I'm making fun of people who do that, which I'm not. I get so easily frustrated and feel guilty for not wanting to give up certain things. I know you give up a lot having a baby, and then gain a lot, but not always right away. I know it's rewarding, but there are bad days too. Sometimes, I'm not always running to someone with a big hug. If they've spent the last half hour screaming at me, that's not really my first line of defense. And although I see the merit in having them do everything they can by themselves , and I do it sometimes too, sometimes I just need to get places, and we need to hurry it up! I'm not waiting all day! It's those kind of things. Little things. But, well, I'd hate to think they're nothing, have kids, then be upset that I did. I'm also afraid of being left to do it alone.

But just as I'm realizing that taking any kind of direction isn't scary when you love and respect and trust the person, I think maybe I'm beginning to see that IF I am with that kind of person, maybe I won't have to do this all alone, and there will be someone there to comfort ME. And then I might be happy doing what I'm doing, because we will work together. Those times that I've just had it, I can take a break, and the spouse can hang with the children for a little while (because trust me, I only date people who can handle that!). And then I can be sane enough to enjoy being around my children.

And one last confession. I may discuss the above with other people I know in real life, but not this.

I'm not as outspoken as I sometimes seem. Not as angry, certainly not as loud. I am opinionated, I do speak out against certain things, and I'm an activist at heart. But not a hardcore one. Not really an angry one. I'm a lover not a fighter. I fight for people I love.

I want to be cared for. I want someone else to be strong when I can't be. When I come home at night, I don't WANT to be the one continuing to run things like I do in my classroom. The thought just stresses me out. I want to stay in a hug and feel safe and seure with someone strong (emotionally) holding me so that I know I'm not going through life alone. And yes, I have friends, but this is different.

As Susan put it, so very amusingly, I don't want to wear the pants in the family, I just want to wear the pants! She knows me so well. And she could never offend me with anything she said. She is wise and quiet and gentle and kind. I was explaining to her what I liked to wear and why (so much of it is because I don't like certain fabrics) and later got into my whole wanting to be feminine again post, and said that I don't really want to be the one giving a lot of direction and making decisions. As long as it's not assumed I won't have a part in deciding, do whatever you want. Ask me, but I will probably leave it up to you.

I don't really talk to people about this. I feel like it's a sign of weakness to say this, especially from someone who fights so hard for gender equality. But it's the truth. I feel like a bad feminist, and like I am negating everything I ever said about gender roles. I may be able to take care of myself, because I do it now, but what I want is not to HAVE to do it all alone. Truthfully, I'd rather be with someone. Someone I love, and not someone who is just with me for stupid reasons. I shouldn't consider it a sign of weakness, but it's another one of those things that is just in my head for some reason. But this is me.

And mostly, I want someone with whom I'm comfortable talking about all this. I'm not ready to just completely open myself up to the whole world. And I may never be. Not all things need to be said loudly.

And now for something completely different.

2009-06-04T11:48:00.007-04:00

A photo post! I'm a photographer but I don't think I post many pictures to this blog. There are quite a few but the captions are quick, so take a look! Walking around with a camera is my happy place. Anywhere where a picture is possible, and I have my camera, I am happy. I also love Photoshop.

Out in below zero weather taking pictures on a snow day. I was almost frosbitten when I got back, but it was worth it.

From student teaching in Indy. The snow was still out with a vengeance but the sun was shining and it was beautiful outside. This is one of my all time favorites. Well, all of these are in my favorites.

Something I love so much and I can't explain why. I just love it. I often love pictures for reasons I don'tr know and most of the time other people don't really get the pictures I like.

Memorial Day weekend at my parents' house.

I took a quick drive up to MI and found this amazing place that doesn't even look like it belongs in the Midwest.

Notre Dame. Caption from flickr: "afraid of what i do not know
out of the silence i can’t let go
the wind sings sweetly through my dreams
slower than my empty arms can reach

falling down on me
slowly keeping me breathing
like i’ve never inhaled life like this before
til now"
LVNMUZIQ ( http://www.lvnmuziq.com )

More from trip to Michigan.

From my 365. Quote on photo:
"I was their prisoner and I choked with it. But I too much feared the darkness beyond." Iris Murdoch, A Severed Head

(i want to want to be set free)

\

New favorite of my goddaughter

Shiny new sparkly femme

2009-06-03T04:54:00.000-04:00

Talk about major changes.

I'm going from being the slightly weird but generally traditional girl who went to youth group and dreamed about a Prince Charming to first year in college, where I ignored God for a while because people told me it was a sin to do everything I was doing plus got fucked over (quite literally) by this boy who didn't know the meaning of the word "no" and was rebellious for the sake of being rebellious toward the authority figures trying to put me in a box. THEN in my way back to sanity I decided that it was gender roles that were screwed up and no one liked me because I was different (I worked in black and whites with no grays at the time). Dressing and acting like your gender was just bad, and it was better to be different. I fought this for a long time. Then I fought for gay rights without knowing why, then middle of student teaching I kissed a girl and liked it, and realized I was bisexual. I have only come to terms with that very recently (the past 6 months maybe) and my friends and family (for the most part) have been supportive, even if they don't always agree with what I do (it's possible, in a way, and I'm OK with this). After coming home after student teaching, and over the summer after last (so summer of '08) I struggled with my appearance. I realized there was some confidence and pride I felt wearing masculine clothes. I really got into that. But I would look in my closet at the skirts and think that maybe I wanted to wear them every so often, and I would tell myself that was wrong. I dated 2 girls, both who wanted me to be very dominant, and though I dressed in a masculine way, I hated that pressure, because to be the dominant one felt so unnatural. Just...did not fit. I had to really push myself and it ended up stressing me out and the relationships did not work. It wasn't until

When Queer Eye Candy came along, I totally claimed my bi-femme identity.

Now, I'm beginning to really feel feminine again. And some days, when I put on my black tank, my gray camo pants, and boots, I don't feel guilty, and sometimes I'll wear a little eyeliner to bring my identity together. And when I wear skirts and makeup, I feel attractive and feminine like I haven't felt in years. Last weekend I went to dinner with some friends and put on eyeliner for the first time in ages. I had never really learned to apply it.

Talk about a genderfuck. I just bought this gorgeous skirt, and I put hot pink streaks in my hair, and I will wear undershirts and wifebeaters and combat boots. Take it or leave it. And, principal said I could just keep the pink hair. I'm happy about this.

Yeah. I'm pretty excited about life.

I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'm so so SO not a top. Never ever will be. I have no desire to be. In the middle of my "reclaimining femininity" thing, I decided it was ok, and no reason to feel shame, to be submissive. A bottom, if you will, although that seems to refer only to sex and that's not all I'm speaking of.

Maybe the reason I call myself submissive is because I want to be that way, because that's how I am naturally, but the reason I never act that way or let anyone know is because one, I don't want people to walk on me, and two, I only know maybe one or two people for whom I could be submissive because I know they will take care of me. I WANT to be taken care of. I want someone to give me direction, but never tell me to take it just because he or she says so.

It is so exhausting being who I am and fighting for what I want. I just want someone else to give ME the direction. But not just anyone, and not someone doing it just to pull rank. I want someone I love and trust to give me those directions so that I'm not giving them anymore. I WANT to submit to someone like that.

When I went out tonight, I noticed all the little things I've been missing, being with people who want ME to do these things. Like having someone hold the door for you, and even little things like being the one to walk in front in the restaurant (I actually hate doing this and I'm not entirely sure why). It's like, wow, hey, I don't HAVE to do everything independently. It's OK. They're not very big things, and not something the other person was necessarily doing with intent, but they're things that make sense to me, and just make me feel better. Not because I deserve all this special treatment, but because it has been way too long that someone has done anything for me. Everyone just looked at me to do the door opening and drink pouring and whatnot.

I'll follow, if I can trust who's leading. Maybe that's my new motto.

This is me.

PS- Femmes? I need makeup advice. I cannot find a proper foundation color, and powder always makes my skin look dry. And no idea about eyeshadow color. Or how to apply blush. I need the makeup police to rescue me!

I am...

2009-06-02T23:59:00.000-04:00

Got this idea from Leo. Get yours!

Hello

My name is

Em the Femme

I am

activist, androdyke, aunt, big sister, bisexual, bottom, butch-loving, caring, cat lover, daughter, female, female-bodied, female-born, female-souled, feminist, femme, femmy, flirty, full of love, gender blender, genderfuck, girl, hard femme, heteroflexible, human, introvert, lover, loving, odd, out-ish, quiet, quirky, sensitive, spiritual, submissive, tomboy femme, weird

Who are you?

A new beginning all over again.

2009-05-23T13:26:00.001-04:00

I have a new job! I'm feeling sort of half and half about it. Or, well, I was. I found out from TT last Friday as I was driving home. He sounded more confused than anything, saying my name was on the list for the corporation-wide posting results. I'd gotten the LifeSkills job at another elementary school. See, I hadn't told him I was applying for a new job. I didn't think I'd get it, so I didn't spread it around except to a few close friends working with me (I'm close to the third grade teachers, we have the same lunchtime). I couldn't even finish a sentence on the phone. I was trying to cover myself, really, because I felt terrible that he was so surprised by this. I hung up and called my dad and cried and cried. He understood how I felt but was also happy for me. All weekend I was torn. I mean, this is what I wanted, and my job is draining and makes me sick and miserable and negative. But while I am sick and run down, I'm changing these kids. And I can't even tell you how many coworkers, some not even in the school, have come up to tell me how well I'm running it and how different it is, and parents are telling me how this is the best year of school yet for their child. So Monday morning, I come in to school, and everyone asks me if I'm leaving. No one has actually called me, mind you. But my job was posted and put in everyone's mailbox. I talked to my principal and she confirmed it. So I started to actually get happy when people started congratulating me.

Fast forward to Wednesday, when I had to tell the students I was leaving. You can read about that in the last post. It was so hard to see their faces. And I know that most teachers have kids leave each year, but special ed teachers stay with their kids for a long time. So that was hard. That night I bought a ton of stuff for a party on Thursday. We had balloons, I got each kid a present (a car or stuffed animal, very gendered, but this was not the time for my soapbox), we had a lots of snacks, and it was just a blast. Very chaotic, and too crazy for me to even cry.

I went to visit my new school yesterday. It's way out on the west side, as far as you can get before it's no longer our corporation. In fact, I'm shocked that it's even in our district. So I drive out there, and it is just the cutest little school. When I came in, it was like walking back in time. It just looked....retro? I don't know the word. And then when I went in my classroom, I just got a sense of being at summer camp. The way the light came in through the windows and the pull down shades, all the wood in the shelves and the ceiling in the cafeteria, faded but carefully decorated walls. The principal sounds very supportive. She is very outgoing and has a strong personality and I was intimidated at first, but as soon as she began talking about the different things my class would do, I got excited. I guess my classroom makes popcorn every other Friday, and we count out the money from that. We also count and separate the money from the pop machine. We do laundry for the rest of the school, for towels and rags and whatnot (Mrs. K said she's pretty adamant about the school being clean and hygienic). We have permission to use the kitchen in the lounge. She insists that the students eat in the cafeteria and be with their peers as much as possible. I guess she's had a lot of people who don't want to do that, but I really really do.

Reins of Life is right next door, and we will go once a week to do that. SO EXCITED. We will go to another elementary school by my parents' house and swim once a week. Unfortunately they pulled the funding for elementary lifeskills students to do community trips. I'm really bummed about that.

So before I leave you with pictures of my new room, I'll just say that I'm now getting really excited. I wasn't as much until I started hearing about what I'd be doing. It just felt so familiar, so natural. Oftentimes being in a classroom like I was and teaching what I was it felt so forced. It just isn't what I do. This just made sense to me. I can't wait to tell TT that I'm excited now. I was still kind of blah when he came yesterday. That man came all the way to my room just to tell me thank you in person. He said I made his job so much easier. He said that no matter where I went I'd do well because I was just a good teacher. He is so kind to me. I'm sad to lose him. But I know the support person for the west district is good.

I'm starting something new.

Here is my classroom from the doorway. Don't mind the quality of the pictures, I left my camera's memory card at home so I used my camera phone. But it's still pretty decent for a camera phone.

I'm standing on the other side of my room now. My desk is the one by the door.

There's a little courtyard outside my room. The light out there was so pretty.

Here's the cafeteria. It just reminds me of a lodge or something. I don't know what it is that gives me the feel of camp.

2009-05-12T20:34:00.000-04:00

I have heteronormativity in every part of me. I was just a part of that and now some of these new concepts feel funny. In theory, I always talk about men doing whatever they want, and wearing whatever they want, and if you were to ask me, I'd totally be behind it. But put me in front of a man wearing something feminine and dancing or whatever, or even just walking down the street, when it's not during a drag show, my first thought is not something about "Good job!" Now why is that? I wish it was. Why IS this? I mean, I was at my friend's house and her husband showed me this video of these German men dancing and their outfits were less than manly and I had to hold back a snicker and a comment. What is wrong with me? I don't WANT these things in my head. I don't want to deep down be embracing a strict binary gender system with traditional gender roles and appearances. Some would argue that because this is my reflex, that means it's right and ordained by God. No, I would argue that. But I would really like to know what my problem is.

Eights Meme (from leo)

2009-05-06T16:14:00.000-04:00

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1. The end of the school year (for those who don't know, I'm a very stressed out teacher)

2. Seeing if I got the lifeskills (severe disabilities) job for which I will be applying (if someone with more seniority applies, they get it)

3. Sleeping tonight

4. Driving around my new car!

5. Eating chocolate Poptarts

6. Going to yoga with a new friend

7. Helping with the little kids at church

8. Paying off my new bed

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Talked to my best friend

2. But only cried about her miscarriage when I was talking to my mom about it, not to Em herself. I'm weird and numb like that.

3. Went to the store to clear my head. I was walking around in a numb daze. I deal with stress in very odd ways anymore.

4. Made homemade chicken stir fry. None of this frozen stuff.

5.

6.

7.

8.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Find a less stressful teaching job

2. Lose weight around my stomach area

3. Date a masculine girl

4. Cry more often. I bottle things up without meaning to, it just happens, and then it just sits there and aches a deep ache for so long. I hate having to reach for the Xanax so often.

5. Go on a real vacation, alone or with someone

6. Take a cruise with a friend

7. Be a more well-known professional photographer

8. Be a more compelling blogger who doesn't rely on ripped-off memes. (I had to steal this one)

8 Shows I Watch:

1. NCIS (Ziva is hot)

2. CSI

3. America's Next Top Model

4. American Idol

5. Family Guy

6. Whose Line is it Anyway?

7. Numb3rs

8. Grey's Anatomy

8 albums I'm granting listening time to lately:

1. Contemplating the Void - LVNMUZIQ
Great lesbian duo I heard at a local coffee shop.

2. Break the Spell - Ellis
Another great lesbian singer/songwriter at aforementioned coffee shop. I have a huge crush on her. When I went up to have her sign my CD I acted like I was 13 and got all giggly and stupid.

3. *NSync - No Strings Attached
Don't hate. Everyone has music like this somewhere. I'm only really listening to one song from this.

4. Rachael Yamagata - Elephants...Teeth Sinking Into Heart
Very mellow, a little dark, and rather dramatic at times.

5. Chris Tomlin - Arriving
Good worship music that's not cheesy sounding.

6. Damnation - Opeth
Death metal that's mellow, if that makes any sense. Most of their stuff involves scary screaming, but this is very soft. Lyrics and chords are super depressing, but no screaming and not cliche.

7. Dashboard Confessional- The Shade of Poison Trees
Not quite as whiny emo as the previous ones, but still love it. And I love the whiny ones too. I just love Dashboard. Love their lyrics and the simplicity of it.

8. Pat Metheny - Still Life(talking)
Something my dad played a lot at night. Don't know if I'd like it now if I came across it with no history with it, but it relaxes me.

Part 1, MJ Chronicles.

2009-04-26T14:23:00.000-04:00

Note to those who know me in real life: This gets very personal, and I'm talking about specific and graphic events with people you may know. If you know me, you probably know the person I speak of, and I'm revealing a lot of personal info about him as well. Read at your own risk.

I feel like sharing. Sometimes I just need to get something out. This isn't something I want on my very public blog. And I began to write this and now I sit with a terrible feeling in my stomach. I thought about abandoning this altogether but I cannot. I think I need to finish it and then burn the pages of my notebook where I recorded this. It will be painfully hard to do. I want to do this in parts. First, it will make it easier for me to write, and second, maybe people will read it if it's not one huge post. Though I'm never sure who's reading this. MJ is what he called me.

See, I had this dream about this guy. Let me just summarize my relationship and history with this person. We went to the same small college. We were acquaintances. Somehow (I don't remember how) we began to have feelings for each other. They quickly developed into very intense feelings, too intense for my 18 year old self who had never had a serious relationship before. We had to keep our relationship secret for many reasons. I lived with people who were very suspicious of my activities and said things that my rebellious teenage self couldn't stand. It made me want to rebel more. My parents had not yet realized that yelling at me and following me when I went out did more damage than good, no matter how good the intentions. We had a relationship of sorts and we hardly talked about our feelings. We were together-ish for several months before we even kissed, and then after that things moved at light speed. I did things that I should not have done, not because I thought they were wrong, but because I moved more quickly than I was comfortable. Since then I have had issues with anything past kissing with anyone, men or women, save for one time, which was the day I realized I was not straight.

Well, I saw him for the first time in years this past August. I was a fool to think I was mature enough to handle what I got into. When I wrote my friend an email telling him we were OK, and I was handling it, I really did think I could. That clearly was not the case. So P, I wasn't messing with you, if you've read this far. I thought he and I could have a grownup relationship.

I dug up my old notebook to see what I had written. I had a feeling he'd be at this party I was at, because I just recently told my dear friend that he and I could be in the same room again, and I'm assuming the message got passed on. The funny thing about us is that no matter what, we cannot be in a room and not be watching each other. It has always amazed me the way that we simply ended up together after seeing each other from across the room. And this whole thing was my fault, because I insisted on following him out. And then saying something to him. I can't even explain what came over me. But really, I knew what I was doing. So did he. We talked and talked. I wasn't able to look him in the eye after a while. We were leaning against the back of my car. And then he was there facing me. He looked at me and gave me a hug. It sounds so innocuous, but it wasn't anything of the sort. I just sort of melted into him and it felt so familiar. Everything fit exactly the same way. Everything he did after that, the way he stood, his arm around my waist, it just felt the same. For anyone who has ever had an addiction, it was the rush of feeling you get from falling back into something you quit. I did quit him. I moved away for college. I returned and though I had grown, and gotten LOTS of therapy, it didn't seem to matter. What shocked me though, is that all he did was simply lean over me and I couldn't stand up anymore. I had to grab the car to steady myself. No one else I've met has elicited that response to that degree. I couldn't decide if I liked it or not. It was intense and scary. It was too intense for my 18 year old self, which is part of why the whole thing was confusing. I looked up at him and he asked me not to. He said it was the look I always gave him when I was coming out of class and meeting him. The next step was hanging in the air for so long. I refused to admit to myself what I was thinking about. I put his hands on my hip and he put mine on his back. Our faces were touching and I could feel him breathing. He said he was really concerned about doing it. And I said I understood. Then he just kissed me. I couldn't even breath after it. I was shaking. Again, it was intense, but overwhelming and quite frightening. I did refuse to let him in my car. WAY too many memories. So we sat in his car. And we held each other like we were never going to see each other again. We even talked about dating again (yes, I'm an idiot, I know this). We parted ways late.

It is difficult for me to be around him because my feelings are confused. I was attracted to him in that moment, so much, but feeling massive guilt for it. I know that he's bad news at least for me, and that he has caused me so much pain, but I still can't manage to stay away from him. For years after we stopped dating (or whatever we were doing) every time I saw a picture of him, my stomach just dropped to the floor. I used to think it was because I was still angry with him. No. I was wondering where he was, what he was doing, and then feeling so guilty about it that I couldn't stand to even look at myself. So when I see him, I cry because my feelings are so confused about him. When I saw him at the Super Bowl party a year ago, I knew I had to leave right away. I was shaking. But I couldn't stand to leave without at least catching his eye once. When I got to Emily's house after leaving the party, that's why I was crying. I was crying because my feelings were so complicated and I felt guilty for them.

The next day after this time in August he basically said, well that was great, but I can't date you. I probably couldn't date him either, but the point was, it was like I got myself back into my addiction to him for nothing. Whether it was for my best interests or not, it felt like I was losing him all over again. I cried to Emily for so long. It doesn't matter that he coerced me into doing things I wasn't ready for. It doesn't matter that he loved me almost obsessively. I was so wrapped up in him for so long that when we're together, it's impossible not to feel the connection. First time I said "I love you" and meant it, first for many things.

It will continue from here another day. I know this isn't at all related to any of my other posts, but this is not only a place for me to discuss gender and sexuality, but a place for me to post personal things that don't belong on my other blog.

It ends better than it sounds here. It really does. Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far.

Today, I'm owning my femme-ness.

2009-04-20T20:37:00.000-04:00

Today I bought clothes in the women's section again. I think after being featured in Queer Eye Candy as a femme, and reading all the comments, it made me feel like it was OK to be feminine again.

Here's a clip from my other blog: "I'm reclaiming my femininity. I may not look it, but FG said it the best in an email to me in response to a blog post on my other blog: "who likes to have doors opened for her and drinks poured for her and her cigarettes lit for her." My femininity is on the inside. I don't even LIKE making a lot of the decisions. It's just polite to offer me a part in making it. I guarantee I'll turn the decision over to you a lot of the time. Don't assume that I will cook ot stay home with the kids or do whatever. I might, but don't assume anything. I suppose I just don't like someone expecting me to do one thing or another. All you can expect is that I will be myself. But I want you to see me as a woman. Maybe as a tomboy femme, because in addition to being female, streaks of edgy masculinity shine through, often in my appearance. But I'm reclaiming my identity. I don't fit into any boxes, and that's OK. I may mix and match my gender representations but I'm me, I wear camo pants, wifebeaters, and have super short hair, but I am flattered and wooed beyond belief when someone opens doors for me, pours my drinks, and puts their hand on my back when we go somewhere. I'm just....me."

It didn't really click until maybe this past week that I was OK being myself. And part of that was realizing that I am not comfortable wearing dressy men's clothes. I might for drag, but not for an everyday thing. Many things are a part in my clothing decisions. A big one is simply the fabric, because I am so very sensitive. I'll never give up wearing undershirts except maybe in the summer when it's hot and one layer is enough. Another part of it is that I'm not comfortable with my body. I wish I was thinner. And then there's the whole gender thing. I'm trying to figure out how I want to appear. Well, I like looking feminine...just an edgy kind. No ruffles or anything.

So I bought 2 men's plain colored T-shirts (they were bright colored and super soft and I always need these), and drawstring jeans that fit PERFECTLY, and a teal scoop-neck top that's not made of the really cheap thin cotton, but the durable kind. And a spaghetti strap bright green tank that will show off my tattoo when I get it (I'm getting a large-ish fancy cross on my back).

I DO like being a femme. It doesn't stress me out like when people look to me to be dominant and masculine. It's comfortable because it's me. And I like me, now.

2009-04-15T06:33:00.000-04:00

My best friend is pregnant. I still haven't gotten my mind around it. Last time I talked to her, which was last night, she really hadn't either. It was totally unexpected, and she was more anxious than anything. The phone call I got...Monday was way different than the one I got when she was pregnant with A (for whom I'm Fairy Godmother). As I've said, it's still hard for me to get around the fact that our friendship is different forever. I'm not good at adjusting to change, even if I love love love my goddaughter. We've done a good job working it out. And she has been trying to have us spend time together baby-free every so often, like the drag show a few weeks ago and when she came over to see me last Thursday night. I feel like part of my anxiousness is because I feel like she's ahead of me in life or something. Maybe it's the culture in which I was raised, but I feel like if you are married and have kids, you've done your thing. That's never the impression I got from my parents though, their priority for me was college and a good job and being happy. But everyone in my immediate and extended family just assumed I would get married and have kids. So it seemed a natural goal to have subconsciously. I'm employed with a good job and have gotten my degree, and have my own apartment, but somehow that seems not enough. Something in me is still unsatisfied. I think if I knew more people, it would be easier. I just don't have enough of a social life. I would get together with friends more, but I really am miserable when I don't get to sleep by 10. I could pull that off on a Thursday, but no other school night. And the other thing about little children is that they get into everything, and scream bloody murder when you make them give it back, or get down from wherever they are. I spend all day picking my battles and avoiding conflict and then it's like the exact same thing when I'm around little kids, because there are a lot of similarities. Babies don't have other ways to express themselves, and neither do my students. So I don't know what exactly will make me feel like I've accomplished something but I would love to find out. Kids I'll probably have someday, maybe, but not now. Not in the next few years. I could see myself with someone though. This is all just very confusing. And probably selfish-sounding. But it's what I'm thinking, so I can't really apologize for it.

2009-04-10T01:42:00.000-04:00

Guess who's on Genderfork? Someone nominated one of my photos, and earlier I'd sent in my profile. I feel so special. Just look on the first page, they should both be there. My andro photo first, and a ltitle further down my profile (Emily Lou). AND, someone found one of my photos on flickr and wants to put it on Queer Eye Candy. I feel so popular today.

A lot of thoughts, all mushed together in one post.

2009-04-07T17:15:00.000-04:00

It's funny, when I'm around someone masculine, I act more feminine. I said that before and I'm still thinking about it. It's automatic. I am highly uncomfortable acting in a masculine way. It just feels so wrong to me. Not wrong as in morally wrong, just that it doesn't fit. It's why my conversations with my two former girlfriends felt strained sometimes, because it was assumed that I was taking charge, that I was more dominant, and they looked at me as if they were waiting for something. Well, no. I wasn't prepared for that. I may look badass, but inside I'm nothing of the sort. Soemtimes I dress the part just to boost my self-confidence if I'm feeling a little weak.

I think some of my masculinity comes from wanting to feel and act strong. Why I associate that with men probably has something to do with the culture in which I've been raised, especially in my family. This is NOT to say my mother was not strong at all. But we will all attest to the fact that my dad is the glue that holds our house together. And I think part of it has to do with the fact that my femininity was always translated to mean something sexual. I was given a lot of lectures about flirting and clothing and all of that and so in my head expressing myself meant sex, and there was no in between. I'm still struggling with that.

For those of you who are women dating masculine women, what separates you from being straight, especially if the person you are dating is very masculine in looks and traits? Now before you jump all over me, I'm asking out of pure curiosity and, well, ignorance. I don't know, so I'm asking. What is it that attracts you to butches instead of men? I am fully aware that we are more thna our DNA, so there's something maybe intangible that is going on here. I've just been wondering. I know there's a reason.

I was always the one to complain about the word submissive as it relates to marriage and Christianity. But part of my problem was that I didn't really understand why someone would WANT to do that. I had never experienced someone who cared for me romantically but respected me enough so that I wouldn't have to make everything a power struggle. When I hear people talking about D/s and other related things, it scares the bejeezus out of me because I think, why would you do that? Doesn't that make you panic to know that someone controls you? But that's not really the case, a good dominant personality (and I'm not just speaking of sex here, just in general) will not make you a doormat. It's just that I can count on one hand the amount of people for whom I could do that, people I trust.

So when I was talking to P today about some stuff, we talked about something that has come up numerous times before. What has happened to me in past years (people with boundary issues and saying no issues) doesn't still make me break down and cry, but it has changed how I understand people and relationships. It has made me cautious, but at the same time, helped me not make everything SO serious and just go with the flow a little bit. It hinders my ability to trust that someone will ask for my opinion and then actually respect it. I'm actively working on it. But we ARE shaped by what we have been through, for better or for worse. And Mom told me once that oftentimes, people who have never been hurt like that will not understand our need to go to therapy and talk about these things. Mom went through a lot as a child, things I never experienced. My grandpa was a terribly unkind person, especially to my mother, which fueled my animosity when she came to live with us. I knew what she'd done to her, and I had no desire to help her out, even though she was old and sick. I felt guilty for feeling that way, but anyone who hurts someone I love gets that response from me. I'm getting off track here. My point is, I needed therapy. I still go now, just not as often. I want to use the crap that I've been through and learn from it and grow and be more mature, discerning, and responsible.

And lastly, one of the things I'm most afraid of is that my friends and family are just waiting for me to get through this phase. I identified as straight for years and am just now calling myself..well, I don't know what to call it. I don't think in genders, I think in gendered traits and appearances. Even if I date a man, I'll still be bisexual. Even when I get married. And I'm not sure everyone understands that. I don't plan on identifying as anything else right now, but I don't know. And I won't ever figure it out unless I date people and see what ends up working.

I'm sorry that none of these large thoughts are connected. I'm going to eat my unkempt looking poppyseed cake that I managed to mangle. Luckily it is still yummy.

To have and to hold. I can handle the having, but definitely NOT the holding.

2009-04-06T23:32:00.000-04:00

I don't like holding someone else. I want to be held. I don't like being the one holding the other person if we're spooning, as much as I HATE that word. And I very rarely stay like that for long anyway, because I move around a lot, and I can't sleep with someone touching me. So when Cat asked me that when we first started talking, and she said she liked to be the one being held, I got nervous and was just terrified.

When my ex, known as The Creep (juvenile, but the name kinda stuck), would just lie there in bed and tell me to do whatever I want, I froze in fear. It was so much pressure. And he would act all disappointed and I would feel guilty and uncomfortable. Not only did I not know what he wanted, but I wasn't comfortable with him in general (I shouldn't have even been talking to the unstable boy, let alone sleeping with him) , and it's just not in my personality. So it's a possibility that my lack of ability to be more dominant has something to do with The Creep.

Something else that's just off topic but interesting is that I get all girly when I run into a butch. No one makes me a femme more than they do. I'm shocked at how I act. Not shocked in a bad way, but it takes me by surprise. I giggle and raise my eyebrows and WANT to be a girl. It's just the strangest thing.

2009-04-06T21:53:00.000-04:00

God I miss Cat tonight. I am not entirely sure how attracted I was to her, and it made me mad and I tried so hard. But her apartment smelled nice, she made a point of buying nice furniture and a nice bed for it (she's a new professor at a college here), and she was so very loving. She was soft and smelled good and was the first person to discuss sex with me like an adult. She asked me what I liked, she made me say things out loud, and then she actually did what I said I wanted. It was groundbreaking. I'd dated men who never really bothered to ask, and had I said something, probably would have gotten uncomfortable. I don't know why I miss her like I do tonight...although I have a feeling. I belong to this site that is primarily used for dating, but I just have found friends on there, and they have tests to take. I'm not just making excuses, that's seriously why I joined. But I met her on there. And I looked at someone's profile tonight and they had some similar interests. Teacher, introvert, things like that.

I will write later about other issues, since for the time being this blog is my place to vent about my confusion about gender and sexuality, but I should just mention that part of why I felt uncomfortable is because she wasn't outgoing enough. Her personality was not strong enough. I get strong and opinionated sometimes, but I need someone to match that. And she was not exactly feminine, but she wasn't masculine either, which is what I'm attracted to.

But even with all that said, I miss her tonight. I was cared for and loved and I was in a emotionally and physically comfortable atmosphere.

Stuck in the Middle

2009-03-31T20:16:00.000-04:00

I'm scared to be feminine and I'm scared to be masculine. I read so many things that ring true. This first is from a comment on a post I liked that MAY have been on Sublimefemme? Maybe on Genderfork. It was talking about being more comfortable wearing feminine clothes once she knew that it wasn't just for men's pleasure. Every time I "dress up" I feel like I'm putting on a show for someone and I'm uncomfortable with it. It's so ingrained in me that I don't know that I can ever put that aside. I wore a dress to Valentine's Day. I was going to wear something more like a suit but in my mind still, for a girl, that means I'm dressing down. And THAT I know is a childhood thing. So many thoughts are clouding my head.

And Leo wrote an entry that can be summed up in this line from it: "I felt a familiar back and forth tug in my gut reading it, a private longing mixed with an even more private warning: you want that too much. Don't get it, because once you have it, you won't be able to let it go. And that will make you vulnerable."

I feel that way about a lot of things. Take for example, my underwear. I began looking into sports bras when I wanted to look flatted under my mens shirts. And now I wear nothing else. I feel weird wearing my old bras. Although when I wanted to impress someone, I wore something lacy. I'm not sure if that means that that's not really " me" and it's just a show, or if that's really the true me. Not sure. But on a day to day basis...it's been several months since I've worn a traditional bra. The same goes for undershirts/wifebeaters. They're a staple now. I feel so badass in them. So now I know I can't let those go. I'm afraid to look at more serious things, more men's things, because then I might wear them a lot and I might like it.

Or I might like wearing girly things again and I'm terrified that I will lose the sense of power over myself I have now. Maybe tht's not the right word. Self-confidence. And I know there are TONS of confident femmes. I'm just saying this is what my brain is going to automatically. If I look like a girl, I lose my newfound pride in my identity. I look more straight and I lose my uniqueness. Part of why I like derssing the way I do is because I wear my identity on my sleeve quite literally.

Here's what's complicating the whole thing. I have a whole host of sensory issues when it comes to the tactile. I'm rather tactile-defensive for a non-autistic person. So a lot of these issues may have something to do with this. I'm so picky with my clothes. I only like soft cottony fabrics. I don't wear blouses or men's shirt equivalents without something underneath, only a few kinds of dress pants (no stretch, can't be too tight, cottony rather than silky), lots of things like that. So sometimes I can't decide what's what. I wish I could get rid of these sensory issues so I could see what I really felt comfortable wearing.

And I was reading in Genderfork someone who says that every day is dressup for her. Here's the quote. "It’s only been recently that I’ve realized my androgyny and decided to act upon on. But it’s so hard to figure out how to act. I’m not a girl who wants to look like a man. I’m someone who wants to wear collared shirts and loose pants and boxers and earrings and makeup and dresses and skirts with cute flowery prints. I want the streamlined male body one day and love my curves the next. How do you explain what you are to someone when every day you wake up something different, when you cannot explain who you are to yourself?"

It's not exactly me, but somewhat. I DO want to look male sometimes. But it feels like drag if I go all out, and it feels just as much drag to wear very feminine clothing. So that begs the question, who am I normally? Who am I day to day?

But none of that changes how I feel on the inside as far as my personality goes. I carry myself in a feminine way. Well, I'm not super domestic or graceful, but I want a strong butch to carry me away. I want the strong dominant partner to my strong but more submissive nature (and I use submissive not in a BSDM way, and I wish i had a different term). I'm not saying femmes are not strong. They are. I am. But that butch/femme dynamic REALLY appeals to me, and I feel so uncomfortable in the role of butch, as much as I may look the part. I don't feel the part. It's not me. I may wear what I wear, and even pack, though that falls under my "drag" category, but I am the femme to someone's butch. Or someone in between.

I can't sort anything out right now. Too many conflicting thoughts.

2009-03-29T20:41:00.001-04:00

I'm really isolated. I have zero friends. I never see or talk to Emily (my best friend) anymore. We talk MAYBE once a week. And she was really my only lifeline. And I'm still not used to the fact that our time is always the same as baby time. Babies are loud and needy and scream when you take things from them and as heartless as I sound, I have no desire to be around that right now. Maybe ever. Even if she IS my goddaughter and I love her.

I go to work every day, am nearly brought to tears every day, and by the end of the day I am emotionally drained. I go home and talk to my cats and I have a computer, which I now hate, because it remind me of how alone I am. Rejoining People of Praise will never be an option. They wouldn't let me be openly bisexual. My coworkers are much older than me and don't live near me. The blog community I can relate to is spread across the country. I quit L.O.G. (where I was a youth group leader) so that I could be more out (and I don't regret it, and Terry supported me SO much and was wonderful about it). I would reach out to people and maybe do things with them if I knew people. I need to know more people. I know so many people who make me feel funny for being me around them. It's not just the bisexual issue either, it's a lot of things. I feel very out of place around so very many people. I can sit and try to concentrate about what we have in common but there are so many differences. There's almost zero queer community here. All the lesbians I've met have been catty and immature. All of them. Seriously. I'm sure there are nicer ones somewhere, but nowhere I've met.

It's sad. I'm 25, and already I'm an island. Maybe this is why people move to bigger cities. So many of the reasons I stayed in South Bend no longer apply. Maybe it's time to get out of here and find a new place.

I haven't been depressed in years. I've been angry and anxious and self-injurious because of it, but never really sad. but I'm sad now. My job is horrendously difficult and taxing, and I don't see anyone. It makes for a pretty sad life.

Text meme

2009-03-15T12:01:00.001-04:00

A couple of these are twitter things sent to my phone (I hate the word tweet for some reason). So they're extra weird.

1. Take your cell phone.
2. Open your txt messege inbox.
3. Answer the questions with a first sentence of the txt messege that has arrived.
4. Question 1 - First sentence from the first messege.
5. Question 2 - First sentence from the second messege, etc...

1. What would you say if your significant other was unfaithful?
working today ...unfortunatly just found out people are playing ultimate at one and i wont be able to make it because of work. (I HATE Ultimate...but maybe I would rather play that than talk to the unfaithful one)

2. What do you always say to your best friend?
Still on a high from the AWESOME day yesterday!

3. What is first thing you say when your friend is hit by a bus?
Thankr (Well now that isn't very nice, is it?)

4. What is the worst thing you could say to your enemy?
What side does the napkin go on? (I guess I'll be killing them with etiquette)

5. What does your mother say before you go to sleep?
No problem. It actually works out because Burgundy scheduled her birthday party for tonight at the last minute and I don't want to miss it. (Wow. What a mouthful for a goodnight.)

6. What would you scream if you won over a million in lottery?
I need ideas for self portraits andportraits of other people for my photo class...any ideas?

7. What would you say to God if you met him/her?
Drink your prune juice. (I guess God is having some problems?)

8. What would you like to hear the most?
Uneedm I'i ne vr been so dunk. (This is an actual text from an anonymous friend. I saved it because I think it's the funniest text I've ever gotten.)

9. What will be your last words?
Happy smirfday!!!

A question of power.

2009-03-12T21:54:00.000-04:00

I had this dream last night about someone I know in blog-land, actually. But no one reading this, I imagine, so no need to get creeped out. We've never really exchanged words. But in this dream, she was all rocking the transmasculine which meant I was falling all over myself and the one thing I really remember was that she was sitting on a couch, and just looked at me and said "Sit." So I dutifully sat on the floor leaning back on her legs. I've had that dream before, or at least train of thought before, if I'm daydreaming while awake. I think I would just love it if someone who looked like that were to just look at me and give me a command like that. It makes my knees all weak just thinking about it.

I wonder what that says about me. I don't mean that in a negative sense. Just makes me think more about who attracts me. I know I've said that I hate having more power in a relationsihp than the other person. Well, maybe that's not the right way to say it. I prefer someone else to kind of take control of things. I don't want to be totally dominated and have them never ask my opinion, but you know what I mean?

Guess I'll just have to see if I have any more strange dreams tonight. I'm exhausted. Goodnight!

Who is this Em the Femme, anyway?

2009-03-07T14:43:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking more about gender lately. I had another blog about gender but it got ignored. See, I didn't want that blog showing up on my profile. I have family members and whatnot who don't need to see it. I didn't realize I could control what blogs showed up on the profile. So now here this one is. I'll be updating this much more often. This is primarily for my issues with my sexuality and gender expression. There is such a loving and large queer community online and I want to be a part of that.

I read this post on femmes and it got me thinking about my own identity again. She made this point about how when she is dressed in heels and a dress, she feels like she can take someone down and make them fall for her with a glance (I paraphrase). And when she's a little more butch looking, it's just her femme being expressed differently, and that it's a different kind of power. But that they're both powerful.

That's exactly it. It's just a different kind of power. I have a different attitude and I face the world in different ways. I interact in different ways depending on how I am dressed.

I am very much a bottom and a femme. But when I walk around in my gray camo pants and a wifebeater, I feel like I can take on the world. 90% of the time I wear pretty gender-neutral things like T-shirts and jeans. That's just my everyday outfit. I dress for comfort. I have lots of tactile defensiveness when it comes to clothes. When I dress in my butch stuff, I feel powerful in a very different way, and in a very liberating way. It frees me. I make sure to wear my sports bra (which I wear a lot anyway simply for comfort reasons)

And the post on multigendered femmes over at Sublime Femme started this thought train ages ago, and I just reread the comments and the response to mine and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Even though people have told me time and time again that if I feel strongly inside that I'm a femme, I am, and no one can tell me otherwise. But I guess the way SF worded it in reply to my comment just made me feel so much better. And one other comment said that if she is dressing in high femme OR in butch it's like drag, and sometimes I feel the same way.

I'm also attracted to masculinity. Maybe androgyny too. Maybe even a fellow tomboy femme. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not attracted to people who dress in a very feminine way and who have those feminine personality traits. There's nothing wrong with those things of course, I'm just not attracted to it. My last girlfriend was very feminine and though I loved spenidng time with her, and liked to hold her hand, there was no real passion. I kept thinking it would come, and it never did. I want someone to be dominant, in sex and in other areas of life. I want to be taken and wooed and hold onto my lover's arm as we walk down the street.

Maybe I'll write more about my peronal life later. Right now this is what I want to blog. Now, off to find the other people in blog-land who might be interested in this. I think I want to go find Leo especially He(?)'s/She(?)'s pretty sweet. I'm sorry for the question marks. I just have no idea what pronouns you use!