Also, I feel I should mention that the post on dating wasn't as much about a specific situation (although I'm sure the thought train had to start SOMEwhere) and more about what healthy dating is. I know there's more than one way to do it, and I'm just exploring it. It's something I really need to know. I'm capable, and I like it, but I'm still new in it.

I saw L today and she asked me (she's right, of course) if my insistence on planning and knowing what's coming gives me a sense of security, and that's why I do it, and why it spills over into my love life. Well, yes. I hadn't thought about it that way before, but that's really it.

I'm not really one for starting things with an explosion, and then figuring it out. I'm just not wired that way. I need to do things systematically, with knowledge about the other person first, and any kind of physical anything later. With T, that wasn't an issue, but it wasn't until later that I realized that it was because I wasn't really attracted to her. She was too passive, too willing to let me do all the talking/decision making/move making. It stressed me the hell out. But I've talked about that many times before. I know it's different when you are with a person who cannot even stand next to you without the whole bottom half of your face shaking because you are trying not to grin like a moron. Again. Uh, not speaking from experience or anything. Point is, it's that I'm not always sure how to pace things.

What I'm grateful for is that I've come down off this 2 or 3 week long "up" period where I've had trouble sleeping, I've been very mood swingy, but mostly happy. I was just coasting on this extra energy from something and my mind was making up these scenarios ALL day and I could not stop it no matter what I tried. And I think my weekend at th retreat cooking, which exhausted me, just broke it. Finally I woke up on Monday morning feeling better about life. I was calmer, quieter, and at peace with all of my uncertain things. It feels wonderful.