Thursday, August 19, 2010

Girl advice. Oh women and their estrogen.

Hi, I'm back. I need to vent and I have questions. So this girl, R. We've been doing email for over a week since she's been on a retreat. We don't know each other REALLY well, although we've accomplished 8 hours of talking in 2 days (in person). So we're getting there. And we feel close. She feels the connection too. I really like her. But I just saw even more red flags. If I'm being ridiculous, please tell me. If you have any advice, I'm welcoming that as well. I won't get upset or anything, I'm just wondering what to do. I don't want to just leave this without a good reason. And keep in mind this is after she insisted she was like a certain TV character who carries a lot of emotional baggage and takes it out on others (and has a really annoying voice, and is a doctor, hint hint). I can't fault her for having her views on sex shaped by her past because mine is too. And she's alluded to past trauma and how she opens up to few but she feels she can to me which is great but hey it's very early for serious talking and now I feel responsible for her mental health. Anyway.

Late last night I got an email from her saying that she needed to wait a few days to see me after getting home, and said her deep dark places came up and she needed to take care of those before seeing me. I guess she had been crying and she just wasn't in the right place right now to see anyone. I get all that. Sometimes we need a few days. But that combined with all of her insinuations about past trauma and making jokes about her life being one big crisis just makes me wonder. I responded to her last night by saying something like, if you have to do your thing, do your thing. I have to be getting ready for school but at some point let me know you're around around and we can do something then. If there's too much going on to get me all up in it, that's OK too. I just need to know.

I thought that was fair. I was half asleep but I got the point across. The last thing I want is to be in a position where I'm playing therapist. I want an equal. I have trauma too. I still have times where I need to go be alone because something brought up a flashback. But it has come up so many times in this very new thing (we have only gone on a couple dates and been emailing for a few weeks) makes me think that it's way too new to do anything with me.

I like the idea that we can grow together, because some things can't be dealt with until you can actually apply them. For example, a lot of my sexual issues can't be dealt with until it actually happens, and then I can help retrain myself not to dissociate. But I am so scared that it is going to turn into something where we both can't live without each other and get all wrapped up in each other's trauma. Can't do it. Back in the day I would have told her my life story already. I've learned to STFU. And I love the new healthy me.

I typed that I wasn't sure if it was a crisis that precluded being with someone, because at the time she hadn't explained it (she was moving and was really sad at leaving her roomie's dog behind). She had started typing, but as soon as I said I was leaving she just said goodbye. I'm afraid it might be the case.

Any ideas on how to proceed? How to find out if she's ready? If this can be healthy? Like I said, because of our connection, I'm reluctant to just cut it off. At least not unless I KNOW it's bad. and I don't know yet. I am just scared. I'm scared of getting into something I can't get out of. I'm scared of the thought of sitting around rehashing stuff I've worked for years to put behind me. I'm just scared. I'm ready to handle a healthy relationship. But I need her to be the same way. Or at least willing to work really really hard.

Also, check out the new tattoo! It means I have conquered. It's directly below scars on my wrist. So yes the tattoo is visible but easy to cover with bracelets, and the location is significant. I'm totally in love with it. What I like about this picture is that it's evident how much happier and calmer I am. It feels so good to be alive and healthy and bright and shiny.

Monday, August 16, 2010

I'm back!

Hi there. Remember me? I have all sorts of fun things to tell y'all. First of all, I'm FINALLY happy. Truly, honestly, happy. I haven't been this happy, satisfied, and calm in 10 years, almost exactly. And it's because I kept demanding a proper diagnosis and didn't rest until I found one, and then not until I found a doctor who validated my fears about medication side effects. I finally found both of those things. I'm on a blend of medications that is perfect for me. I've also lost 20 pounds. Mostly due to eating less meat and just being aware of what I eat and not going above my calorie limit. So life is good. I FEEL better as well as looking thinner.

I also met a girl. Before you make any assumptions, I was just as happy with life before I met her. I'm extra excited right now but my happiness is not tied to other people. I feel very connected to her for many reasons. However, she compared herself to a TV character who is generally noted to have lots of drama and lots of baggage. That sent a major red flag. I have had drama in my past as well, but I'm over it. And I couldn't even think of dating someone until I was happy with myself and not constantly be affected by my past. I just hope that her past is behind her enough to really have a relationship that isn't codependent. Nothing is wrong now. I just keep steering away from serious conversations because we've just met. It's not time for that. I am not ready to make myself vulnerable to her, nor do I want her to open herself up THAT much to me now. There is time for that. Right now I'm just enjoying being with her. We enjoy talking and that's new for me. The whole talking while sitting on opposite ends of the couch thing. People do that? But at the same time, like I said, I'm keeping my emotions to myself. At least the complicated heavy ones.

It's strange looking at relationships this way. I was always the one pouring my heart out to people, jumping into bed with them, and forming strong attachments very early on. I was the essence of borderline. Inside sometimes I still feel that way, but not overall. It's hard for me to believe that I'm the one guarding myself. But it's truly what I want. The last thing I need is to get so involved and codependent that I lose focus. I can't afford to do that with the kind of job I have. But right now, it's going just fine. I think she got the hint that I'm not ready to talk about these things. Someday.

I get the feeling she will want to wait a long time before sex. That's hard for me to get my mind around, but I think it will be good for me. I don't want to push her, and often when I start the sexual part of a relationship, the other parts go out the window. So maybe if I wait, there can be a proper balance between sex, conversation, and just being with each other without touching.

If you've read through this whole thing, congrats. I suppose I'm long winded since it's been a while since I've posted. But here's me. I'm thinner and very happy. Also, my cleavage looks fucking awesome.