Friday, June 26, 2009

Question of the Day

What is a stone butch? And more importantly, why is a stone butch a stone butch? Though I'm sure there are a myriad of reasons, it's just that I don't know any of them. I don't want anyone to think I want to really dig into someone's deep dark secrets, but it's an area of our community that I don't really understand. Most of the lesbians I know are ones who reject any kind of labels other than gay, and don't ever want to discuss gender with me. They're just not interested. So I have a lot to learn.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Today's post is about tattoos.

I might actually be posting daily. Sorry if you get inundated with posts if you don't check here very often. See, now I want to get this tattoo on my back. Here's a picture of it taped to my back. This was one of my ways to see if I really liked it. It's not the most flattering picture, but the idea is, I wanted to check it out first. I liked it. I will move it down a couple inches to center it more between my shoulder blades, but that's it. Or so I thought. For a while I've been researching tattoo places and I found one I like. But as I visited there today, got a business card, ensured it was clean and sterile, and had the guy price my tattoo and see how much detail I would lose, I started to get nervous. I've been talking about this for a while. Although it isn't huge, it also isn't a small tattoo. It's that large and in that place because my first tattoo was small and by my right shoulder blade. I got it at a terrible time in my life, and Mom knew it, and paid for me to get it removed. This is why I've waited years to think about another one. I didn't want another small tattoo by the shoulder blade. I don't like ankle or arm tattoos on me. And they would be hard to cover up for school. I don't want it on my hips, because I know my weight fluctuates, and I'm starting to lose some of it, and don't want the shape to get wonky. My back is looking like the only option. And a small cross, unless it's by the shoulder blade, would look silly. Does it look dumb? Does it look too big?

Another issue I'm having is with other people's reactions. I can think of a person or two who would probably dislike it a great deal, and to be honest, I'd rather not completely rule out the possibility of a relationship just because I want this thing. It's not THAT important to me. I mean it is, but it isn't. I began thinking about the phrase "If he/she loves you, it won't matter what you look like." This is true, but I feel like I should point out to myself that everyone is attracted to different people and looks and personalities. For example, I've never been attracted to someone with blond hair and blue eyes. I always end up dating people with dark hair and oftentimes green eyes. I don't specifically search for people with these traits, I just am more likely to be attracted to these people. Maybe there are people who just don't like tattoos, and won't be attracted to me. I can't even type this and lie to you all and say there's not a couple people in my head. But can I really be thinking of their opinion when I'm making decisions about my appearance? How much does that matter? Should I even care?

My priority in this tattoo, or any, is that it won't be hard to cover during school, it won't fade to a funky color (I'm getting it done in black and will retouch if needed), and won't be SO intricate that the edges will be blurry.

Also, this thing will take 2 hours, if I get that size. Ouch. I'm not into the whole pain=adrenaline thing. It only works with piercing. My old tattoo did hurt, and not in a good way.

I added a little more explanation to my Savage Love post. Just trying to explain myself so it doesn't sound judgmental. Maybe I just sound too traditional, but that's my philosophy when it comes to love. Nothing behind someone's back. Talk about things. Make decisions together. But I know the edits won't come up in Reader.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Also, I feel I should mention that the post on dating wasn't as much about a specific situation (although I'm sure the thought train had to start SOMEwhere) and more about what healthy dating is. I know there's more than one way to do it, and I'm just exploring it. It's something I really need to know. I'm capable, and I like it, but I'm still new in it.

I saw L today and she asked me (she's right, of course) if my insistence on planning and knowing what's coming gives me a sense of security, and that's why I do it, and why it spills over into my love life. Well, yes. I hadn't thought about it that way before, but that's really it.

I'm not really one for starting things with an explosion, and then figuring it out. I'm just not wired that way. I need to do things systematically, with knowledge about the other person first, and any kind of physical anything later. With T, that wasn't an issue, but it wasn't until later that I realized that it was because I wasn't really attracted to her. She was too passive, too willing to let me do all the talking/decision making/move making. It stressed me the hell out. But I've talked about that many times before. I know it's different when you are with a person who cannot even stand next to you without the whole bottom half of your face shaking because you are trying not to grin like a moron. Again. Uh, not speaking from experience or anything. Point is, it's that I'm not always sure how to pace things.

What I'm grateful for is that I've come down off this 2 or 3 week long "up" period where I've had trouble sleeping, I've been very mood swingy, but mostly happy. I was just coasting on this extra energy from something and my mind was making up these scenarios ALL day and I could not stop it no matter what I tried. And I think my weekend at th retreat cooking, which exhausted me, just broke it. Finally I woke up on Monday morning feeling better about life. I was calmer, quieter, and at peace with all of my uncertain things. It feels wonderful.

Savage Love

I feel like someone told me to listen to Savage Love (Dan Savage's podcast). So today I did. And it made me angry. I couldn't even finish it. Now, I'm getting to be more open-minded about relationships and sex and whatnot. Here's what bugged me. Someone called in saying that one, their husband had health issues and sex wasn't really possible, and second, that she wasn't attracted to him anyway, that she just saw him as the father of her kids. Her friend is the one calling, and said she frst admonished her for wanting sex elsewhere and leaving the kids with the dad if she left, and then started to wonder how she could help. Well, Mr. Brillianthead said that cheating was a great idea. She should find someone to cheat with who is having the same problem. It would apparently help her stay in her marriage if she got her freak on elsewhere. I'll explain my feelings about this after I talk about the next caller.

This other woman called in and said her sex life wasn't what it used to be, and that she has tried for years to help him figure out what she likes, and nothing has worked. Well, she's started cheating on him and I guess she's all happy with this man. She wants to leave him and stay with this guy. I feel for the woman, I really do. It may not have been sex, I wasn't doing that, but I do understand that sometimes it's frustrating when no one listens to you. For example, I hated being treated like I'm delicate. If you're going to kiss me, KISS me, for heaven's sake. I suppose not every time has to be exactly the same, but that's something I like. I'm not breakable, I'm not delicate, and if you go there, I get bored very quickly. However, when I was in that position in a relationship, I was not about to go out and cheat on this person with someone who listened to my likes and dislikes. He said to "throw a bomb at his feet" and just leave him. Perhaps maybe they should have a conversation first?

Now, even though I'm totally 100% monogamous, I know there are people who aren't. That's fine, I'm not here to tell them they're wrong. But that's different than cheating. Polyamorous people discuss things with one another. If there's communication, and the husband says OK sure that's fine, that's one thing. If she cheats, that's a violation of trust.

There was a couple on there who hadn't had sex for religious reasons. I did think that (I have my own personal reasons now), and I'm pretty sure I'll date someone who thinks that. I can live with that. In fact, when L pointed out that I might not feel pressured to offer my body to them just because I thought it was all they wanted (my ex kinda used my body for his own agenda, never asked if it was OK, and didn't think it had any effect on me and in fact thought he was being the best boyfriend EVER), I was thrilled. YES! For once, I'm NOT feeling pressured to do ANY of the things I don't want to do. This is something I need to work on with someone who will be there with me for the long haul. But that's another story. This girl called in with a question about her fiance. He was having, well, lasting issues (I may be open minded about things but I'm still not good at using actual words). He basically yelled at her and called her names for waiting, called him names, said it was utter bullshit for anyone to wait until marriage, and told her over and over to go over there and demand he give her sex. I'm sorry, what? Again, you need to have more discussions with your partner. So OK, it might mean their marriage starts off with needing to have several long talks about their love life, but what marriage doesn't? He didn't even try to keep the disdain from his voice.

Talk, people. One of the best relationship things I've ever learned. Be open. Having an open relationship could be good for some people. Cheating (implying secrecy) is never good. It's not unforgivable, and it's something I feel I might be able to work through if a partner cheated on me, but it's still cheating. And while it may bring up some issues to wait until marriage, it's not bullshit, and it's not an invitation to be berated for it. Telling someone to give it up and have sex when they already said they didn't want to doesn't even make sense.

Has anyone else listened to him? What do you think? I've only heard one episode, but that was enough.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Put me back together again.

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a state of bodily disarray. Things are not where they should be, and I can't seem to decide where the ground is. I'm everywhere and nowhere.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

I've been posting a lot lately. Some people inspire conversation and musings, some people make me clam up like the awkward person I am. I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a migraine/not really a migraine but close. I have debilitating tension headaches that are sometimes accompanied with light sensitivity and nausea. It's my body's way of telling me I am really stressing about something. Sometimes I know what it is, sometimes I have to really search myself. I'm not light sensitive right now, but the back of my neck is so tight. My muscles around my head get so tight that they actually get sore and tired the way your legs do if you're standing for a long time. It's a strange feeling. I have to take aspirin with caffeine for my headaches to go away. Nothing else works. I also felt nauseous. So when I got up early to go in, I couldn't decide if I was just sick and ready to lose my dinner, or was headache sick. I talked to my kitchen co-person and said I would go back home for a bit. I drove and got some regular Coke (Mom once said flat warm Coke helps with nausea, I drink it cold and fizzy so I think it's a psychological effect) and took my aspirin. I'm not feeling hungry now, but certainly not on the verge of throwing up. My headache is slowly going away. Neck still sore.

As I've spent so much time lately being self-involved and letting my mind wander and either create heavenly or horribly depressing conclusions, I've been losing energy. Well, I'm restless, but haven't been able to really get myself to do anything. Last night I had a really good talk with my dad. He understands me. When I called my mom earlier in tears, I told her I wanted her to just comfort me. When I talked to Dad, I wanted his point of view. We think alike, though sometimes I get emotionally involved more than he does. He encouraged me to just live this summer. Explore things, go foward with life. And then this morning I was thinking about all that. As I was driving to get my Coke before going home to rest, I began thinking about my day. I was thinking about who and what is important to me, OTHER than this whole big other thing on my mind. I remembered that BFF was probably bringing Goddaughter to the retreat because she's working and could not find a babysitter. Between The Husband and I (he's one of the adults at the retreat) we can keep her occupied. If needed, I will take off early and put her to bed. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy. A, my goddaughter (she is...21 months-ish), has been much more outwardly affectionate towards me lately. She sits right next to me and picks up my arm and puts it around her when we watch Veggie Tales clips on my computer, and sometimes she'll just crawl up on me and touch her nose to my nose and grin. I'll be looking forward to seeing her.

I think I just need to be more deliberate with my activities. I took the last 3 days to be head clearing days. Wednesday I spent a few hours working on my curriculum for next year and watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 with my brother. I figured out part of why I love both those Kill Bill movies. The main characters are VERY strong women playing very masculine roles. You never see women as the assassins. Women don't kill 88 of Lucy Liu's men with one sword, even if it WAS a Hanzo Hattori. All of that masculine energy. So that was fun. Thursday I went to church (daily Mass with the whole 15 people who attend is the only REAL time I can spend with God), tutored a former student, and made some real food helped.

And Chicago Pride is in a week!!!!! I cannot wait to go with my mom. I am going to get all decked out in pride gear. I know some people are really opposed to that, but I think it will be fun. It's the only time of year I can really do that! I bet my mom will even put some rainbows on. She's liked rainbows WAY before I came out to her, or even myself. She's been really supportive. I know my dad is too, but parades aren't his thing. I'm going to buy some rainbow jewelry and maybe get a tank top or something.

Let's break down gay stereotypes by wearing rainbow thongs and feather headdresses on glitter-covered floats

And now for something completely different for anyone reading, butch, femme, or in between: Do you like a particular tone of voice? Deep, light, high....Do other femmes like deep voices? I've been thinking about it lately, and then remembering it again last night when someone I hadn't heard from in ages called me, and I remembered that deeper voices make me feel all woozy.

I write a lot in here as opposed to my other journal because I am just so tired of sharing things with so many people I'm not sure I can trust entirely. So sorry for all the rambling. Time for me to take a shower and decide whether or not I am OK enough to go back to the retreat yet. I will eventually, I do need to keep an eye on A.

One more thing. Yesterday, I was in a terrible mood. I just lost it over something and after I wenr home to take a shower, I dressed in my "I need to feel badass" clothes. I DO wear them when I'm feeling insecure. It's just an interesting phenomenon. The more powerful I need to feel, if I'm feeling low, the more masculine and badass I like. Hmm,.

Friday, June 19, 2009

I listened to Sinclair's mix and came across the song "Come and Find Me" and it inspired this picture I took out in the rain today. I love when I get ideas and they work like I want them to.

I keep you in a flower vase
With your fatalism and your crooked face
With the daisies and the violet brocades
And I keep me in a vacant lot
In the ivy and forget-me-nots
Hoping you will come and untangle me one of these days

Come and find me now
OK, I'm tired of being vague. This is MY place to be open, my place to rant, my place to explore my feelings. I created this blog so that I could be raw and honest and talk about what's going on in my head, and my deep dark secrets. So, basically, P: you've been forewarned. If reading all this personal stuff makes you feel all funny, can't say I didn't tell you this was personal.

Let me ask you all something. I know some of you are in committed relationships that are so filled with love and respect. I admire you for it. I want to get married. Maybe not today, but someday in the next few years. When you started dating, how did it start, exactly? How does on begin something? I'm not one to jump into things a whole lot, I take things very slowly in the physical area, with good reasons I may explain someday (ex, lots of trauma, date rape, etc. etc., I have a draft in my folder so I can explain this on here later) but when I like someone, I want to get to know them. A lot. Quickly. But I know not everyone is the same. When I dated Cat last summer, we had already established our mutual affection. So we were just furthering it. That's what I'm used to, I suppose. This is how my friends date.

I just need thoughts from other people. BFF isn't a lot of help in the experience department because she and The Husband were serious quickly, and he was her first serious boyfriend. My dad has been extremely helpful in terms of general advice, but not so much from personal experience. Mom's advice was seriously crazily bold and while that's like her, it's not like me. I may be acting like a little 13 year old (I'm even annoying myself), but I'm still me, and I'm not bold. I hint. I'll hint until I am blue in the face, but never really say a whole lot. Maybe I'm not as subtle as I think, but either way, if I'm with someone else subtle, nothing gets said!

I don't deal with uncertainty well. Am I the only one who hasn't outgrown it? I'm 25, and I'm running through things in my head like I'm in high school. What is the DEAL? I've had to practice clearing my head lately. In the past, I pierced something, tattooed something, done something else because adrenaline cures the panic, and I fall into a deep sleep. Turns out it's not a responsible way to cure stress. Instead I went to church and tutored a student and made an attempt at making REAL food and using a new recipe.

Anyway, back to my purpose. How did you start dating? Why? If you made mistakes, what's a better way of going about it? I've never been compatible with the stereotypical lesbian standard of the U-Haul. Maybe that's why I'm not a lesbian. Kidding. Really, I am. Keep in mind that I have love before sex, so that might affect responses/advice. Not that I'm judging other people, this is just me and how I work.
Sometimes, knowing the answer doesn't even help.

Sometimes, the answer is as unclear as the question.

And sometimes, the answer is just plain unsatisfying.

I'm going to take a very hot shower. Sometimes crying is cathartic and it makes me feel better. Right now it just makes me feel like I'm a child again, and acting like one.

Is there merit in the element of surprise? To spontaneity? Is there a limit?

It's storming. Maybe God's being emo too. :)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I hate the not knowing.

When you don't know, your head comes up with all these wild worst-case scenarios that drive you crazy. And seriously, I do not have that kind of energy.

I hate the not knowing.

Sunday, June 14, 2009


I'm so bored. What do teachers DO during the summer? I know at least Mondays are busy, and Tuesday I'm going to an art museum, but normally, there is nothing to do. I'm still waiting to meet with someone from the facility that works with adults and children with disabilities (I'll be volunteering with Protective Services). I can't imagine that will keep me busy all day every day, though I'm going to try and do as much as I can.

So right now? Nothing to do. I have about 400 more wedding reception photos to edit, but that involves sitting around being on my computer. Something I'd like to cut down on. Good heavens that was grammatically awkward.

Here are a couple photos from the reception. Will and Loren are so cute together. I enjoy photographing them. They don't really need much direction from me, I just tell them to do their thing, and they hold hands, and he kisses her cheek, or they make silly faces at each made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

These kind of detail shots are my favorite. Will always just puts his arms around Lo so lovingly it makes me want to get married. Like right now. They are cute!

The family cake top for weddings. I messed with this picture for the longest time. I'm finally happy with it.

Everyone else was busy eating their salads, I was taking pictures of the table. Not surprising.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Any of you who use feed readers, if you edit an entry, will that show up in the reader, or only the original?

I changed my long entry, 2 entries ago, because I mistyped majorly, but I don't know how that works. Even if I delete the entry and write a new one, the old one might still be on feed things. Maybe I'm the only one who uses one, just thought I'd ask.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

New lens!!!

Check out how FABULOUS this lens is! For the photography geeks who will get this, I rented a 50mm f/1.4 (drool) for the reception I'm shooting this weekend. I own a Canon Digital Rebel XT, looking to buy a 5D next year with the tax refund money. Right now I need to buy lighting and a lens.

In case anyone is interested, the link to my flickr is

I'll follow, if I can trust who's leading.

I like that as a motto. I'm keeping it.

I talked to my best friend today about what I've been writing about, and she understands. She told me once that she felt that way about some things, though we're not a whole lot alike. But she gets it, gets me in a way that's only shared by Susan. I never understood what she did at times because I would get my angry feminist out and think, why are you doing this or that, why is he doing this or that, be independent! And at that time, I wasn't aware that it wasn't a far-fetched idea when you actually respect the person you're with, and care about them. Well, the more smart respectful people I am around, the more I understand it. I know, I know, I'm repeating myself, but this is a big deal. It's all new to me, this way of thinking. So everything I've already told you about making decisions (or lack thereof) and calling the shots and opening the doors, it fell into place even more, because I can think in those terms now. Oh hey, some people are kind and respectful and caring, and I would TOTALLY compromise with them if a situation came up. GASP! Anyone who knows me in real life gets how crazy this is. I'm the most stubborn person most people know (Mom says I'm tied with Dad). It feels great though. But I'm still stubborn....just not about that! Don't get in my way when I'm trying to do something for my family or my students.

And the more I talk to my cats as kids the more I think maybe I could even handle a couple of kids someday. Although that's skipping a few steps, as I always tell my mom, who REALLY needs to stop spoiling Badger!!! Evan and I talked about that tonight. He thinks she should give him some of that money because he has things to pay for, and it's a lot more likely I'll have kids before he does (he'd BETTER not have any yet!), so that's kinda my job to give her kids to spoil instead of cats. Except, uh, not yet. I know I will LOVE my new job, and I don't want to give it up just yet, evne if only for a few years. I love my brother so much. We're actually friends, good friends, and I'm enjoying it.

I know. I'm repeating myself more. I'm slowly moving on talking about other things. But by the day more things make sense, so I want to write.

As a side note, I'm getting retested to see if my Axis 1 diagnosis needs to be changed. I have a fabulous nurse practitioner prescribing my anxiety meds and although I'm a whole heck of a lot nicer than I was a year ago, I go up and down too much for me to be comfortable (and my NP too). I can deal pretty well, I do alright for myself. But it's exhausting feeling things so intensely. Everyone gets excited and looks it, but I get hyped up pretty long into the night for several days and it's a pain. So I have testing that will be scheduled for about a month from now.

I'm pretty open about most of what goes on with me in that area (not all, but most). A lot of it has to do with reducing the stigma that goes with mental illness of any sort. I feel zero shame about my issues. I understand they are NOT my fault (I inherited the tendencies, and events in my life exacerbated these, and some just happened totally due to those genetics) and I know that therapy and medication help. I'm very aware of my body and what it's doing and how it is affected by different factors, so I am pretty quick to let my doctors know if something is up, and I'm usually right about what it is. As for therapy, I only see her every other week, and when I saw her yesterday, I just grinned most of the time and couldn't wait to tell her all of these good things that have happened in the past few months, and revelations I've had. She was happy too. I can see myself getting out of it not too far from now, but not until I get those weird highs and lows taken care of. Don't get me wrong, I love not being numb, but these are a little too intense for me.

I'm so unmotivated to cook right now. I think I was spoiled because someone else made lunch for me. Hmm. Well, if I eat a lot of watermelon and maybe scrounge up something else healthy, I won't feel bad about the hamburger I am about to get from Wendy's. No fries, no Frosty, no mayo or anything else fattening. Really, of all the things there, the cheeseburger (at least at Wendy's, not speaking for McdDonald's or anything) is a decent option. I've been pretty unmotivated to cook anyway. I need some good recipes that are simple and easy but are not any of the following (which are good, and I'm good at, but I'm tired of them): tacos, sloppy joes, meatloaf, plain breaded baked chicken, or barbecue chicken.

More randomness. Oh, I got the Wendy's, and it was great to get out and drive. I didn't even eat all the hamburger (yay for fewer calories). So I really got back into this movie called The Great Race. My grandparents introduced it to my parents, and then my family all watched it many times. It was made in 1965, and it's just good simple comedy. Lots of shenanigans and plans gone terribly hilariously wrong. I got interested in this again because my brother loved the music in it, and he gave me the songs. The waltz in there is a funny scene, and I love the music. I texted my brother today and told him when I get married (well, if I do) I am having that played, and I'd make him dance with me. He said sure. Teehee. I haven't thought much past that (mostly because that is not a reality right now) except that Em and I already had the maid of honor discussion. We both hate the phrase matron of honor (she's married, I was MOH for her) so we'll maybe just call it honor attendant. And for the rest of this entry, some good quotes, and then that will be all. This is such a disorganized entry. I'm going to turn out the lights to try and help me fall asleep and play a lot of classical music.

Professor Fate: What's next?
Max: Car number five, the engine falls out!
Professor Fate: Car number five! Ha ha ha ha!
Professor Fate: Er, Max... *we're* number five

Maggie DuBois: And because I consider myself sexually free and morally emancipated, I am still a responsible, discriminating woman who does not intend to jump into bed with the first wavy-haired, muscle-bound, egocentric male who thinks he can seduce me by agreeing with some of the things I believe in.
Leslie: I only wanted to kiss you!

[gets hit in the face with a pie]
Prince Hapnick: [tastes pie] umm... brandy! Throw more brandy, throw brandy! More brandy! Brandy!
[gets hit again with a pie]
Prince Hapnick: umm... rum! I never mix my pies!

Professor Fate: Leslie escaped?
General: With a small friar.
Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?

Leslie: Are you a native of Boracho?
Lily Olay: I ain't no native, I was born here!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

West Wing Quote

Now I've heard New Testament things against homosexuality, but this doesn't deal with those. Anyway, this is hilarious. And I loved it, and I clapped.

President Josiah Bartlet: Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
President Josiah Bartlet: Yes it does. Leviticus.
Dr. Jenna Jacobs: 18:22.
President Josiah Bartlet: Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Open me up and see how I work.

I've been claiming not to ever want kids but I don't know. I think it's related to the same false presupposition that if I date a guy, they'll end up doing something silly (just recently realizing THAT is not true!). I've come to some conclusions here about raising kids. I feel like I have to be the epitome of nurturing. I was going to give examples but they make it sound like I'm making fun of people who do that, which I'm not. I get so easily frustrated and feel guilty for not wanting to give up certain things. I know you give up a lot having a baby, and then gain a lot, but not always right away. I know it's rewarding, but there are bad days too. Sometimes, I'm not always running to someone with a big hug. If they've spent the last half hour screaming at me, that's not really my first line of defense. And although I see the merit in having them do everything they can by themselves , and I do it sometimes too, sometimes I just need to get places, and we need to hurry it up! I'm not waiting all day! It's those kind of things. Little things. But, well, I'd hate to think they're nothing, have kids, then be upset that I did. I'm also afraid of being left to do it alone.

But just as I'm realizing that taking any kind of direction isn't scary when you love and respect and trust the person, I think maybe I'm beginning to see that IF I am with that kind of person, maybe I won't have to do this all alone, and there will be someone there to comfort ME. And then I might be happy doing what I'm doing, because we will work together. Those times that I've just had it, I can take a break, and the spouse can hang with the children for a little while (because trust me, I only date people who can handle that!). And then I can be sane enough to enjoy being around my children.

And one last confession. I may discuss the above with other people I know in real life, but not this.

I'm not as outspoken as I sometimes seem. Not as angry, certainly not as loud. I am opinionated, I do speak out against certain things, and I'm an activist at heart. But not a hardcore one. Not really an angry one. I'm a lover not a fighter. I fight for people I love.

I want to be cared for. I want someone else to be strong when I can't be. When I come home at night, I don't WANT to be the one continuing to run things like I do in my classroom. The thought just stresses me out. I want to stay in a hug and feel safe and seure with someone strong (emotionally) holding me so that I know I'm not going through life alone. And yes, I have friends, but this is different.

As Susan put it, so very amusingly, I don't want to wear the pants in the family, I just want to wear the pants! She knows me so well. And she could never offend me with anything she said. She is wise and quiet and gentle and kind. I was explaining to her what I liked to wear and why (so much of it is because I don't like certain fabrics) and later got into my whole wanting to be feminine again post, and said that I don't really want to be the one giving a lot of direction and making decisions. As long as it's not assumed I won't have a part in deciding, do whatever you want. Ask me, but I will probably leave it up to you.

I don't really talk to people about this. I feel like it's a sign of weakness to say this, especially from someone who fights so hard for gender equality. But it's the truth. I feel like a bad feminist, and like I am negating everything I ever said about gender roles. I may be able to take care of myself, because I do it now, but what I want is not to HAVE to do it all alone. Truthfully, I'd rather be with someone. Someone I love, and not someone who is just with me for stupid reasons. I shouldn't consider it a sign of weakness, but it's another one of those things that is just in my head for some reason. But this is me.

And mostly, I want someone with whom I'm comfortable talking about all this. I'm not ready to just completely open myself up to the whole world. And I may never be. Not all things need to be said loudly.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

And now for something completely different.

A photo post! I'm a photographer but I don't think I post many pictures to this blog. There are quite a few but the captions are quick, so take a look! Walking around with a camera is my happy place. Anywhere where a picture is possible, and I have my camera, I am happy. I also love Photoshop.

Out in below zero weather taking pictures on a snow day. I was almost frosbitten when I got back, but it was worth it.

From student teaching in Indy. The snow was still out with a vengeance but the sun was shining and it was beautiful outside. This is one of my all time favorites. Well, all of these are in my favorites.

Something I love so much and I can't explain why. I just love it. I often love pictures for reasons I don'tr know and most of the time other people don't really get the pictures I like.

Memorial Day weekend at my parents' house.

I took a quick drive up to MI and found this amazing place that doesn't even look like it belongs in the Midwest.

Notre Dame. Caption from flickr: "afraid of what i do not know
out of the silence i can’t let go
the wind sings sweetly through my dreams
slower than my empty arms can reach

falling down on me
slowly keeping me breathing
like i’ve never inhaled life like this before
til now"

More from trip to Michigan.

From my 365. Quote on photo:
"I was their prisoner and I choked with it. But I too much feared the darkness beyond." Iris Murdoch, A Severed Head

(i want to want to be set free)


New favorite of my goddaughter

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Shiny new sparkly femme

Talk about major changes.

I'm going from being the slightly weird but generally traditional girl who went to youth group and dreamed about a Prince Charming to first year in college, where I ignored God for a while because people told me it was a sin to do everything I was doing plus got fucked over (quite literally) by this boy who didn't know the meaning of the word "no" and was rebellious for the sake of being rebellious toward the authority figures trying to put me in a box. THEN in my way back to sanity I decided that it was gender roles that were screwed up and no one liked me because I was different (I worked in black and whites with no grays at the time). Dressing and acting like your gender was just bad, and it was better to be different. I fought this for a long time. Then I fought for gay rights without knowing why, then middle of student teaching I kissed a girl and liked it, and realized I was bisexual. I have only come to terms with that very recently (the past 6 months maybe) and my friends and family (for the most part) have been supportive, even if they don't always agree with what I do (it's possible, in a way, and I'm OK with this). After coming home after student teaching, and over the summer after last (so summer of '08) I struggled with my appearance. I realized there was some confidence and pride I felt wearing masculine clothes. I really got into that. But I would look in my closet at the skirts and think that maybe I wanted to wear them every so often, and I would tell myself that was wrong. I dated 2 girls, both who wanted me to be very dominant, and though I dressed in a masculine way, I hated that pressure, because to be the dominant one felt so unnatural. Just...did not fit. I had to really push myself and it ended up stressing me out and the relationships did not work. It wasn't until

When Queer Eye Candy came along, I totally claimed my bi-femme identity.

Now, I'm beginning to really feel feminine again. And some days, when I put on my black tank, my gray camo pants, and boots, I don't feel guilty, and sometimes I'll wear a little eyeliner to bring my identity together. And when I wear skirts and makeup, I feel attractive and feminine like I haven't felt in years. Last weekend I went to dinner with some friends and put on eyeliner for the first time in ages. I had never really learned to apply it.

Talk about a genderfuck. I just bought this gorgeous skirt, and I put hot pink streaks in my hair, and I will wear undershirts and wifebeaters and combat boots. Take it or leave it. And, principal said I could just keep the pink hair. I'm happy about this.

Yeah. I'm pretty excited about life.

I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'm so so SO not a top. Never ever will be. I have no desire to be. In the middle of my "reclaimining femininity" thing, I decided it was ok, and no reason to feel shame, to be submissive. A bottom, if you will, although that seems to refer only to sex and that's not all I'm speaking of.

Maybe the reason I call myself submissive is because I want to be that way, because that's how I am naturally, but the reason I never act that way or let anyone know is because one, I don't want people to walk on me, and two, I only know maybe one or two people for whom I could be submissive because I know they will take care of me. I WANT to be taken care of. I want someone to give me direction, but never tell me to take it just because he or she says so.

It is so exhausting being who I am and fighting for what I want. I just want someone else to give ME the direction. But not just anyone, and not someone doing it just to pull rank. I want someone I love and trust to give me those directions so that I'm not giving them anymore. I WANT to submit to someone like that.

When I went out tonight, I noticed all the little things I've been missing, being with people who want ME to do these things. Like having someone hold the door for you, and even little things like being the one to walk in front in the restaurant (I actually hate doing this and I'm not entirely sure why). It's like, wow, hey, I don't HAVE to do everything independently. It's OK. They're not very big things, and not something the other person was necessarily doing with intent, but they're things that make sense to me, and just make me feel better. Not because I deserve all this special treatment, but because it has been way too long that someone has done anything for me. Everyone just looked at me to do the door opening and drink pouring and whatnot.

I'll follow, if I can trust who's leading. Maybe that's my new motto.

This is me.

PS- Femmes? I need makeup advice. I cannot find a proper foundation color, and powder always makes my skin look dry. And no idea about eyeshadow color. Or how to apply blush. I need the makeup police to rescue me!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I am...

Got this idea from Leo. Get yours!


My name is

Em the Femme

I am

activist, androdyke, aunt, big sister, bisexual, bottom, butch-loving, caring, cat lover, daughter, female, female-bodied, female-born, female-souled, feminist, femme, femmy, flirty, full of love, gender blender, genderfuck, girl, hard femme, heteroflexible, human, introvert, lover, loving, odd, out-ish, quiet, quirky, sensitive, spiritual, submissive, tomboy femme, weird

Who are you?