Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'll follow, if I can trust who's leading.

I like that as a motto. I'm keeping it.

I talked to my best friend today about what I've been writing about, and she understands. She told me once that she felt that way about some things, though we're not a whole lot alike. But she gets it, gets me in a way that's only shared by Susan. I never understood what she did at times because I would get my angry feminist out and think, why are you doing this or that, why is he doing this or that, be independent! And at that time, I wasn't aware that it wasn't a far-fetched idea when you actually respect the person you're with, and care about them. Well, the more smart respectful people I am around, the more I understand it. I know, I know, I'm repeating myself, but this is a big deal. It's all new to me, this way of thinking. So everything I've already told you about making decisions (or lack thereof) and calling the shots and opening the doors, it fell into place even more, because I can think in those terms now. Oh hey, some people are kind and respectful and caring, and I would TOTALLY compromise with them if a situation came up. GASP! Anyone who knows me in real life gets how crazy this is. I'm the most stubborn person most people know (Mom says I'm tied with Dad). It feels great though. But I'm still stubborn....just not about that! Don't get in my way when I'm trying to do something for my family or my students.

And the more I talk to my cats as kids the more I think maybe I could even handle a couple of kids someday. Although that's skipping a few steps, as I always tell my mom, who REALLY needs to stop spoiling Badger!!! Evan and I talked about that tonight. He thinks she should give him some of that money because he has things to pay for, and it's a lot more likely I'll have kids before he does (he'd BETTER not have any yet!), so that's kinda my job to give her kids to spoil instead of cats. Except, uh, not yet. I know I will LOVE my new job, and I don't want to give it up just yet, evne if only for a few years. I love my brother so much. We're actually friends, good friends, and I'm enjoying it.

I know. I'm repeating myself more. I'm slowly moving on talking about other things. But by the day more things make sense, so I want to write.

As a side note, I'm getting retested to see if my Axis 1 diagnosis needs to be changed. I have a fabulous nurse practitioner prescribing my anxiety meds and although I'm a whole heck of a lot nicer than I was a year ago, I go up and down too much for me to be comfortable (and my NP too). I can deal pretty well, I do alright for myself. But it's exhausting feeling things so intensely. Everyone gets excited and looks it, but I get hyped up pretty long into the night for several days and it's a pain. So I have testing that will be scheduled for about a month from now.

I'm pretty open about most of what goes on with me in that area (not all, but most). A lot of it has to do with reducing the stigma that goes with mental illness of any sort. I feel zero shame about my issues. I understand they are NOT my fault (I inherited the tendencies, and events in my life exacerbated these, and some just happened totally due to those genetics) and I know that therapy and medication help. I'm very aware of my body and what it's doing and how it is affected by different factors, so I am pretty quick to let my doctors know if something is up, and I'm usually right about what it is. As for therapy, I only see her every other week, and when I saw her yesterday, I just grinned most of the time and couldn't wait to tell her all of these good things that have happened in the past few months, and revelations I've had. She was happy too. I can see myself getting out of it not too far from now, but not until I get those weird highs and lows taken care of. Don't get me wrong, I love not being numb, but these are a little too intense for me.

I'm so unmotivated to cook right now. I think I was spoiled because someone else made lunch for me. Hmm. Well, if I eat a lot of watermelon and maybe scrounge up something else healthy, I won't feel bad about the hamburger I am about to get from Wendy's. No fries, no Frosty, no mayo or anything else fattening. Really, of all the things there, the cheeseburger (at least at Wendy's, not speaking for McdDonald's or anything) is a decent option. I've been pretty unmotivated to cook anyway. I need some good recipes that are simple and easy but are not any of the following (which are good, and I'm good at, but I'm tired of them): tacos, sloppy joes, meatloaf, plain breaded baked chicken, or barbecue chicken.

More randomness. Oh, I got the Wendy's, and it was great to get out and drive. I didn't even eat all the hamburger (yay for fewer calories). So I really got back into this movie called The Great Race. My grandparents introduced it to my parents, and then my family all watched it many times. It was made in 1965, and it's just good simple comedy. Lots of shenanigans and plans gone terribly hilariously wrong. I got interested in this again because my brother loved the music in it, and he gave me the songs. The waltz in there is a funny scene, and I love the music. I texted my brother today and told him when I get married (well, if I do) I am having that played, and I'd make him dance with me. He said sure. Teehee. I haven't thought much past that (mostly because that is not a reality right now) except that Em and I already had the maid of honor discussion. We both hate the phrase matron of honor (she's married, I was MOH for her) so we'll maybe just call it honor attendant. And for the rest of this entry, some good quotes, and then that will be all. This is such a disorganized entry. I'm going to turn out the lights to try and help me fall asleep and play a lot of classical music.

Professor Fate: What's next?
Max: Car number five, the engine falls out!
Professor Fate: Car number five! Ha ha ha ha!
Professor Fate: Er, Max... *we're* number five

Maggie DuBois: And because I consider myself sexually free and morally emancipated, I am still a responsible, discriminating woman who does not intend to jump into bed with the first wavy-haired, muscle-bound, egocentric male who thinks he can seduce me by agreeing with some of the things I believe in.
Leslie: I only wanted to kiss you!

[gets hit in the face with a pie]
Prince Hapnick: [tastes pie] umm... brandy! Throw more brandy, throw brandy! More brandy! Brandy!
[gets hit again with a pie]
Prince Hapnick: umm... rum! I never mix my pies!

Professor Fate: Leslie escaped?
General: With a small friar.
Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?

Leslie: Are you a native of Boracho?
Lily Olay: I ain't no native, I was born here!

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