Monday, June 8, 2009

Open me up and see how I work.

I've been claiming not to ever want kids but I don't know. I think it's related to the same false presupposition that if I date a guy, they'll end up doing something silly (just recently realizing THAT is not true!). I've come to some conclusions here about raising kids. I feel like I have to be the epitome of nurturing. I was going to give examples but they make it sound like I'm making fun of people who do that, which I'm not. I get so easily frustrated and feel guilty for not wanting to give up certain things. I know you give up a lot having a baby, and then gain a lot, but not always right away. I know it's rewarding, but there are bad days too. Sometimes, I'm not always running to someone with a big hug. If they've spent the last half hour screaming at me, that's not really my first line of defense. And although I see the merit in having them do everything they can by themselves , and I do it sometimes too, sometimes I just need to get places, and we need to hurry it up! I'm not waiting all day! It's those kind of things. Little things. But, well, I'd hate to think they're nothing, have kids, then be upset that I did. I'm also afraid of being left to do it alone.

But just as I'm realizing that taking any kind of direction isn't scary when you love and respect and trust the person, I think maybe I'm beginning to see that IF I am with that kind of person, maybe I won't have to do this all alone, and there will be someone there to comfort ME. And then I might be happy doing what I'm doing, because we will work together. Those times that I've just had it, I can take a break, and the spouse can hang with the children for a little while (because trust me, I only date people who can handle that!). And then I can be sane enough to enjoy being around my children.

And one last confession. I may discuss the above with other people I know in real life, but not this.

I'm not as outspoken as I sometimes seem. Not as angry, certainly not as loud. I am opinionated, I do speak out against certain things, and I'm an activist at heart. But not a hardcore one. Not really an angry one. I'm a lover not a fighter. I fight for people I love.

I want to be cared for. I want someone else to be strong when I can't be. When I come home at night, I don't WANT to be the one continuing to run things like I do in my classroom. The thought just stresses me out. I want to stay in a hug and feel safe and seure with someone strong (emotionally) holding me so that I know I'm not going through life alone. And yes, I have friends, but this is different.

As Susan put it, so very amusingly, I don't want to wear the pants in the family, I just want to wear the pants! She knows me so well. And she could never offend me with anything she said. She is wise and quiet and gentle and kind. I was explaining to her what I liked to wear and why (so much of it is because I don't like certain fabrics) and later got into my whole wanting to be feminine again post, and said that I don't really want to be the one giving a lot of direction and making decisions. As long as it's not assumed I won't have a part in deciding, do whatever you want. Ask me, but I will probably leave it up to you.

I don't really talk to people about this. I feel like it's a sign of weakness to say this, especially from someone who fights so hard for gender equality. But it's the truth. I feel like a bad feminist, and like I am negating everything I ever said about gender roles. I may be able to take care of myself, because I do it now, but what I want is not to HAVE to do it all alone. Truthfully, I'd rather be with someone. Someone I love, and not someone who is just with me for stupid reasons. I shouldn't consider it a sign of weakness, but it's another one of those things that is just in my head for some reason. But this is me.

And mostly, I want someone with whom I'm comfortable talking about all this. I'm not ready to just completely open myself up to the whole world. And I may never be. Not all things need to be said loudly.