Saturday, June 20, 2009

I've been posting a lot lately. Some people inspire conversation and musings, some people make me clam up like the awkward person I am. I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a migraine/not really a migraine but close. I have debilitating tension headaches that are sometimes accompanied with light sensitivity and nausea. It's my body's way of telling me I am really stressing about something. Sometimes I know what it is, sometimes I have to really search myself. I'm not light sensitive right now, but the back of my neck is so tight. My muscles around my head get so tight that they actually get sore and tired the way your legs do if you're standing for a long time. It's a strange feeling. I have to take aspirin with caffeine for my headaches to go away. Nothing else works. I also felt nauseous. So when I got up early to go in, I couldn't decide if I was just sick and ready to lose my dinner, or was headache sick. I talked to my kitchen co-person and said I would go back home for a bit. I drove and got some regular Coke (Mom once said flat warm Coke helps with nausea, I drink it cold and fizzy so I think it's a psychological effect) and took my aspirin. I'm not feeling hungry now, but certainly not on the verge of throwing up. My headache is slowly going away. Neck still sore.

As I've spent so much time lately being self-involved and letting my mind wander and either create heavenly or horribly depressing conclusions, I've been losing energy. Well, I'm restless, but haven't been able to really get myself to do anything. Last night I had a really good talk with my dad. He understands me. When I called my mom earlier in tears, I told her I wanted her to just comfort me. When I talked to Dad, I wanted his point of view. We think alike, though sometimes I get emotionally involved more than he does. He encouraged me to just live this summer. Explore things, go foward with life. And then this morning I was thinking about all that. As I was driving to get my Coke before going home to rest, I began thinking about my day. I was thinking about who and what is important to me, OTHER than this whole big other thing on my mind. I remembered that BFF was probably bringing Goddaughter to the retreat because she's working and could not find a babysitter. Between The Husband and I (he's one of the adults at the retreat) we can keep her occupied. If needed, I will take off early and put her to bed. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy. A, my goddaughter (she is...21 months-ish), has been much more outwardly affectionate towards me lately. She sits right next to me and picks up my arm and puts it around her when we watch Veggie Tales clips on my computer, and sometimes she'll just crawl up on me and touch her nose to my nose and grin. I'll be looking forward to seeing her.

I think I just need to be more deliberate with my activities. I took the last 3 days to be head clearing days. Wednesday I spent a few hours working on my curriculum for next year and watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 with my brother. I figured out part of why I love both those Kill Bill movies. The main characters are VERY strong women playing very masculine roles. You never see women as the assassins. Women don't kill 88 of Lucy Liu's men with one sword, even if it WAS a Hanzo Hattori. All of that masculine energy. So that was fun. Thursday I went to church (daily Mass with the whole 15 people who attend is the only REAL time I can spend with God), tutored a former student, and made some real food helped.

And Chicago Pride is in a week!!!!! I cannot wait to go with my mom. I am going to get all decked out in pride gear. I know some people are really opposed to that, but I think it will be fun. It's the only time of year I can really do that! I bet my mom will even put some rainbows on. She's liked rainbows WAY before I came out to her, or even myself. She's been really supportive. I know my dad is too, but parades aren't his thing. I'm going to buy some rainbow jewelry and maybe get a tank top or something.

Let's break down gay stereotypes by wearing rainbow thongs and feather headdresses on glitter-covered floats

And now for something completely different for anyone reading, butch, femme, or in between: Do you like a particular tone of voice? Deep, light, high....Do other femmes like deep voices? I've been thinking about it lately, and then remembering it again last night when someone I hadn't heard from in ages called me, and I remembered that deeper voices make me feel all woozy.

I write a lot in here as opposed to my other journal because I am just so tired of sharing things with so many people I'm not sure I can trust entirely. So sorry for all the rambling. Time for me to take a shower and decide whether or not I am OK enough to go back to the retreat yet. I will eventually, I do need to keep an eye on A.

One more thing. Yesterday, I was in a terrible mood. I just lost it over something and after I wenr home to take a shower, I dressed in my "I need to feel badass" clothes. I DO wear them when I'm feeling insecure. It's just an interesting phenomenon. The more powerful I need to feel, if I'm feeling low, the more masculine and badass I like. Hmm,.


Anonymous said...

ooh, i love voices; i suppose it's directly related to my music obsession. i have a particular thing for that raspy-smoker voice. think lucinda williams or mary gauthier - they simply do me in. and, of course, there have been some women in my real life that fall into that category. it might account for my interest in classic rock too, all those nice not-pretty vocalists =)

also, it's interesting, i tend to wear my boy-clothes when i'm feeling shitty, but it seems almost like the opposite. it makes me feel particularly invisible (which is probably not at all *true*, but hey).

Miss Emily said...

YES! Gravelly low voices are the best. Some people actually sound hotter when they have colds. :)

I've been in a boy phase for almost a week now, but I've been extra insecure, so it makes sense. I almost think of it as drag. I'm calming it down now. By Pride on Saturday I bet I will be ready to wear that short skirt with my rainbow knee socks!

You are always so interesting!

Anonymous said...

oh, thank you =)

i heart knee socks, how fun!

B said...

I love deep, raspy voices. They drive me crazy. Actually, J doesn't have either. Isn't that strange?

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