I'm going from being the slightly weird but generally traditional girl who went to youth group and dreamed about a Prince Charming to first year in college, where I ignored God for a while because people told me it was a sin to do everything I was doing plus got fucked over (quite literally) by this boy who didn't know the meaning of the word "no" and was rebellious for the sake of being rebellious toward the authority figures trying to put me in a box. THEN in my way back to sanity I decided that it was gender roles that were screwed up and no one liked me because I was different (I worked in black and whites with no grays at the time). Dressing and acting like your gender was just bad, and it was better to be different. I fought this for a long time. Then I fought for gay rights without knowing why, then middle of student teaching I kissed a girl and liked it, and realized I was bisexual. I have only come to terms with that very recently (the past 6 months maybe) and my friends and family (for the most part) have been supportive, even if they don't always agree with what I do (it's possible, in a way, and I'm OK with this). After coming home after student teaching, and over the summer after last (so summer of '08) I struggled with my appearance. I realized there was some confidence and pride I felt wearing masculine clothes. I really got into that. But I would look in my closet at the skirts and think that maybe I wanted to wear them every so often, and I would tell myself that was wrong. I dated 2 girls, both who wanted me to be very dominant, and though I dressed in a masculine way, I hated that pressure, because to be the dominant one felt so unnatural. Just...did not fit. I had to really push myself and it ended up stressing me out and the relationships did not work. It wasn't until
When Queer Eye Candy came along, I totally claimed my bi-femme identity.
Now, I'm beginning to really feel feminine again. And some days, when I put on my black tank, my gray camo pants, and boots, I don't feel guilty, and sometimes I'll wear a little eyeliner to bring my identity together. And when I wear skirts and makeup, I feel attractive and feminine like I haven't felt in years. Last weekend I went to dinner with some friends and put on eyeliner for the first time in ages. I had never really learned to apply it.
Talk about a genderfuck. I just bought this gorgeous skirt, and I put hot pink streaks in my hair, and I will wear undershirts and wifebeaters and combat boots. Take it or leave it. And, principal said I could just keep the pink hair. I'm happy about this.
Yeah. I'm pretty excited about life.
I'm also coming to terms with the fact that I'm so so SO not a top. Never ever will be. I have no desire to be. In the middle of my "reclaimining femininity" thing, I decided it was ok, and no reason to feel shame, to be submissive. A bottom, if you will, although that seems to refer only to sex and that's not all I'm speaking of.
Maybe the reason I call myself submissive is because I want to be that way, because that's how I am naturally, but the reason I never act that way or let anyone know is because one, I don't want people to walk on me, and two, I only know maybe one or two people for whom I could be submissive because I know they will take care of me. I WANT to be taken care of. I want someone to give me direction, but never tell me to take it just because he or she says so.
It is so exhausting being who I am and fighting for what I want. I just want someone else to give ME the direction. But not just anyone, and not someone doing it just to pull rank. I want someone I love and trust to give me those directions so that I'm not giving them anymore. I WANT to submit to someone like that.
When I went out tonight, I noticed all the little things I've been missing, being with people who want ME to do these things. Like having someone hold the door for you, and even little things like being the one to walk in front in the restaurant (I actually hate doing this and I'm not entirely sure why). It's like, wow, hey, I don't HAVE to do everything independently. It's OK. They're not very big things, and not something the other person was necessarily doing with intent, but they're things that make sense to me, and just make me feel better. Not because I deserve all this special treatment, but because it has been way too long that someone has done anything for me. Everyone just looked at me to do the door opening and drink pouring and whatnot.
I'll follow, if I can trust who's leading. Maybe that's my new motto.
This is me.
PS- Femmes? I need makeup advice. I cannot find a proper foundation color, and powder always makes my skin look dry. And no idea about eyeshadow color. Or how to apply blush. I need the makeup police to rescue me!
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6 comments:
You are so beautiful!
Don't use powder, would be my first bit of advice (it's drying and creeps into any little cracks. not good). Second, don't use foundation b/c you don't need it. You are young and have gorgeous skin from what I can tell. Use a tinted moisturizer with an spf 15. It will even out your skin w/o drying it and it will protect you from some sun damage. I use Clinique Moisture Sheer Tint SPF 15 in Neutral shade(I am light like you but you might be lighter). You can find it at Sephora.
You can get some makeup tips here:
http://www.makeuptip.com/
I hope that helps a bit.
Well, I edit my skin to look better sometimes, and in this one it's just overexposed so my skin looks lighter than it usually does, I was just standing in front of bright sunshine. I have really pink cheeks (not in the rosy pink cute way) because of what might be rosacea and I'm really prone to breakouts. I never was when everyone ELSE was in middle school, but I am now!
But still, I like the idea of a tinted moisturizer. I will check that out. Thank you! And we now have a Sephora in the mall, where I will be this afternoon. Sweet.
how gorgeous! i *love* the pink hair.
perhaps it's a bit narcissistic, but i really enjoy reading about "transitioning" to femme.
i'll have to leave the makeup advice to other femmes - all i know how to do is put on chapstick. well, i can do a mean fake mustache too ;)
You may want to consult with a dermatologist about the rosacea and the breakouts. Be very careful about sun protection now and when you are 40 you will be glad you did.
I agree with greg about the foundation and powder. Tinted moisturizer is fine for me most days, with just a touch of powder on my nose to cut down shine--and I'm 36. If you go to Sephora, have a salesperson assist you with finding the right products.
If you can afford a splurge, go to a really good salon for a makeover. Maybe a birthday present? They can show you simple tricks you would never have thought of.
I second the advice about rosacea - get it checked if you can. There are things you can use to minimize the breakouts, and if you let it go untreated it can make you more and more red. Ask me how I know....
I'm straight (AFAIK) but still struggle with the femme thing. It was easier when I was younger. Now that I'm middle-aged and look it, it's hard to get excited about dressing up like someone's mom. Or grandma. Ugh.
Liz: Turns out all I needed was a decent moisturizer. I've tried many, none worked. They were either too heavy, or so light I doubt they did anything. The tinted moisturizer from Sephora did wonders for my skin. I like Sephora, I think I'll be going back there.
And you know what they say...you're straight until you're not! I was, at least.
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