A new beginning all over again.

I have a new job! I'm feeling sort of half and half about it. Or, well, I was. I found out from TT last Friday as I was driving home. He sounded more confused than anything, saying my name was on the list for the corporation-wide posting results. I'd gotten the LifeSkills job at another elementary school. See, I hadn't told him I was applying for a new job. I didn't think I'd get it, so I didn't spread it around except to a few close friends working with me (I'm close to the third grade teachers, we have the same lunchtime). I couldn't even finish a sentence on the phone. I was trying to cover myself, really, because I felt terrible that he was so surprised by this. I hung up and called my dad and cried and cried. He understood how I felt but was also happy for me. All weekend I was torn. I mean, this is what I wanted, and my job is draining and makes me sick and miserable and negative. But while I am sick and run down, I'm changing these kids. And I can't even tell you how many coworkers, some not even in the school, have come up to tell me how well I'm running it and how different it is, and parents are telling me how this is the best year of school yet for their child. So Monday morning, I come in to school, and everyone asks me if I'm leaving. No one has actually called me, mind you. But my job was posted and put in everyone's mailbox. I talked to my principal and she confirmed it. So I started to actually get happy when people started congratulating me.

Fast forward to Wednesday, when I had to tell the students I was leaving. You can read about that in the last post. It was so hard to see their faces. And I know that most teachers have kids leave each year, but special ed teachers stay with their kids for a long time. So that was hard. That night I bought a ton of stuff for a party on Thursday. We had balloons, I got each kid a present (a car or stuffed animal, very gendered, but this was not the time for my soapbox), we had a lots of snacks, and it was just a blast. Very chaotic, and too crazy for me to even cry.

I went to visit my new school yesterday. It's way out on the west side, as far as you can get before it's no longer our corporation. In fact, I'm shocked that it's even in our district. So I drive out there, and it is just the cutest little school. When I came in, it was like walking back in time. It just looked....retro? I don't know the word. And then when I went in my classroom, I just got a sense of being at summer camp. The way the light came in through the windows and the pull down shades, all the wood in the shelves and the ceiling in the cafeteria, faded but carefully decorated walls. The principal sounds very supportive. She is very outgoing and has a strong personality and I was intimidated at first, but as soon as she began talking about the different things my class would do, I got excited. I guess my classroom makes popcorn every other Friday, and we count out the money from that. We also count and separate the money from the pop machine. We do laundry for the rest of the school, for towels and rags and whatnot (Mrs. K said she's pretty adamant about the school being clean and hygienic). We have permission to use the kitchen in the lounge. She insists that the students eat in the cafeteria and be with their peers as much as possible. I guess she's had a lot of people who don't want to do that, but I really really do.

Reins of Life is right next door, and we will go once a week to do that. SO EXCITED. We will go to another elementary school by my parents' house and swim once a week. Unfortunately they pulled the funding for elementary lifeskills students to do community trips. I'm really bummed about that.

So before I leave you with pictures of my new room, I'll just say that I'm now getting really excited. I wasn't as much until I started hearing about what I'd be doing. It just felt so familiar, so natural. Oftentimes being in a classroom like I was and teaching what I was it felt so forced. It just isn't what I do. This just made sense to me. I can't wait to tell TT that I'm excited now. I was still kind of blah when he came yesterday. That man came all the way to my room just to tell me thank you in person. He said I made his job so much easier. He said that no matter where I went I'd do well because I was just a good teacher. He is so kind to me. I'm sad to lose him. But I know the support person for the west district is good.

I'm starting something new.

Here is my classroom from the doorway. Don't mind the quality of the pictures, I left my camera's memory card at home so I used my camera phone. But it's still pretty decent for a camera phone.

















I'm standing on the other side of my room now. My desk is the one by the door.
















There's a little courtyard outside my room. The light out there was so pretty.

















Here's the cafeteria. It just reminds me of a lodge or something. I don't know what it is that gives me the feel of camp.

I have heteronormativity in every part of me. I was just a part of that and now some of these new concepts feel funny. In theory, I always talk about men doing whatever they want, and wearing whatever they want, and if you were to ask me, I'd totally be behind it. But put me in front of a man wearing something feminine and dancing or whatever, or even just walking down the street, when it's not during a drag show, my first thought is not something about "Good job!" Now why is that? I wish it was. Why IS this? I mean, I was at my friend's house and her husband showed me this video of these German men dancing and their outfits were less than manly and I had to hold back a snicker and a comment. What is wrong with me? I don't WANT these things in my head. I don't want to deep down be embracing a strict binary gender system with traditional gender roles and appearances. Some would argue that because this is my reflex, that means it's right and ordained by God. No, I would argue that. But I would really like to know what my problem is.

Eights Meme (from leo)

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To:

1. The end of the school year (for those who don't know, I'm a very stressed out teacher)

2. Seeing if I got the lifeskills (severe disabilities) job for which I will be applying (if someone with more seniority applies, they get it)

3. Sleeping tonight

4. Driving around my new car!

5. Eating chocolate Poptarts

6. Going to yoga with a new friend

7. Helping with the little kids at church

8. Paying off my new bed

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Talked to my best friend

2. But only cried about her miscarriage when I was talking to my mom about it, not to Em herself. I'm weird and numb like that.

3. Went to the store to clear my head. I was walking around in a numb daze. I deal with stress in very odd ways anymore.

4. Made homemade chicken stir fry. None of this frozen stuff.

5.

6.

7.

8.


8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1. Find a less stressful teaching job

2. Lose weight around my stomach area

3. Date a masculine girl

4. Cry more often. I bottle things up without meaning to, it just happens, and then it just sits there and aches a deep ache for so long. I hate having to reach for the Xanax so often.

5. Go on a real vacation, alone or with someone

6. Take a cruise with a friend

7. Be a more well-known professional photographer

8. Be a more compelling blogger who doesn't rely on ripped-off memes. (I had to steal this one)


8 Shows I Watch:

1. NCIS (Ziva is hot)

2. CSI

3. America's Next Top Model

4. American Idol

5. Family Guy

6. Whose Line is it Anyway?

7. Numb3rs

8. Grey's Anatomy


8 albums I'm granting listening time to lately:

1. Contemplating the Void - LVNMUZIQ
Great lesbian duo I heard at a local coffee shop.

2. Break the Spell - Ellis
Another great lesbian singer/songwriter at aforementioned coffee shop. I have a huge crush on her. When I went up to have her sign my CD I acted like I was 13 and got all giggly and stupid.

3. *NSync - No Strings Attached
Don't hate. Everyone has music like this somewhere. I'm only really listening to one song from this.

4. Rachael Yamagata - Elephants...Teeth Sinking Into Heart
Very mellow, a little dark, and rather dramatic at times.

5. Chris Tomlin - Arriving
Good worship music that's not cheesy sounding.

6. Damnation - Opeth
Death metal that's mellow, if that makes any sense. Most of their stuff involves scary screaming, but this is very soft. Lyrics and chords are super depressing, but no screaming and not cliche.


7. Dashboard Confessional- The Shade of Poison Trees
Not quite as whiny emo as the previous ones, but still love it. And I love the whiny ones too. I just love Dashboard. Love their lyrics and the simplicity of it.

8. Pat Metheny - Still Life(talking)
Something my dad played a lot at night. Don't know if I'd like it now if I came across it with no history with it, but it relaxes me.

Part 1, MJ Chronicles.

Note to those who know me in real life: This gets very personal, and I'm talking about specific and graphic events with people you may know. If you know me, you probably know the person I speak of, and I'm revealing a lot of personal info about him as well. Read at your own risk.

I feel like sharing. Sometimes I just need to get something out. This isn't something I want on my very public blog. And I began to write this and now I sit with a terrible feeling in my stomach. I thought about abandoning this altogether but I cannot. I think I need to finish it and then burn the pages of my notebook where I recorded this. It will be painfully hard to do. I want to do this in parts. First, it will make it easier for me to write, and second, maybe people will read it if it's not one huge post. Though I'm never sure who's reading this. MJ is what he called me.

See, I had this dream about this guy. Let me just summarize my relationship and history with this person. We went to the same small college. We were acquaintances. Somehow (I don't remember how) we began to have feelings for each other. They quickly developed into very intense feelings, too intense for my 18 year old self who had never had a serious relationship before. We had to keep our relationship secret for many reasons. I lived with people who were very suspicious of my activities and said things that my rebellious teenage self couldn't stand. It made me want to rebel more. My parents had not yet realized that yelling at me and following me when I went out did more damage than good, no matter how good the intentions. We had a relationship of sorts and we hardly talked about our feelings. We were together-ish for several months before we even kissed, and then after that things moved at light speed. I did things that I should not have done, not because I thought they were wrong, but because I moved more quickly than I was comfortable. Since then I have had issues with anything past kissing with anyone, men or women, save for one time, which was the day I realized I was not straight.

Well, I saw him for the first time in years this past August. I was a fool to think I was mature enough to handle what I got into. When I wrote my friend an email telling him we were OK, and I was handling it, I really did think I could. That clearly was not the case. So P, I wasn't messing with you, if you've read this far. I thought he and I could have a grownup relationship.

I dug up my old notebook to see what I had written. I had a feeling he'd be at this party I was at, because I just recently told my dear friend that he and I could be in the same room again, and I'm assuming the message got passed on. The funny thing about us is that no matter what, we cannot be in a room and not be watching each other. It has always amazed me the way that we simply ended up together after seeing each other from across the room. And this whole thing was my fault, because I insisted on following him out. And then saying something to him. I can't even explain what came over me. But really, I knew what I was doing. So did he. We talked and talked. I wasn't able to look him in the eye after a while. We were leaning against the back of my car. And then he was there facing me. He looked at me and gave me a hug. It sounds so innocuous, but it wasn't anything of the sort. I just sort of melted into him and it felt so familiar. Everything fit exactly the same way. Everything he did after that, the way he stood, his arm around my waist, it just felt the same. For anyone who has ever had an addiction, it was the rush of feeling you get from falling back into something you quit. I did quit him. I moved away for college. I returned and though I had grown, and gotten LOTS of therapy, it didn't seem to matter. What shocked me though, is that all he did was simply lean over me and I couldn't stand up anymore. I had to grab the car to steady myself. No one else I've met has elicited that response to that degree. I couldn't decide if I liked it or not. It was intense and scary. It was too intense for my 18 year old self, which is part of why the whole thing was confusing. I looked up at him and he asked me not to. He said it was the look I always gave him when I was coming out of class and meeting him. The next step was hanging in the air for so long. I refused to admit to myself what I was thinking about. I put his hands on my hip and he put mine on his back. Our faces were touching and I could feel him breathing. He said he was really concerned about doing it. And I said I understood. Then he just kissed me. I couldn't even breath after it. I was shaking. Again, it was intense, but overwhelming and quite frightening. I did refuse to let him in my car. WAY too many memories. So we sat in his car. And we held each other like we were never going to see each other again. We even talked about dating again (yes, I'm an idiot, I know this). We parted ways late.

It is difficult for me to be around him because my feelings are confused. I was attracted to him in that moment, so much, but feeling massive guilt for it. I know that he's bad news at least for me, and that he has caused me so much pain, but I still can't manage to stay away from him. For years after we stopped dating (or whatever we were doing) every time I saw a picture of him, my stomach just dropped to the floor. I used to think it was because I was still angry with him. No. I was wondering where he was, what he was doing, and then feeling so guilty about it that I couldn't stand to even look at myself. So when I see him, I cry because my feelings are so confused about him. When I saw him at the Super Bowl party a year ago, I knew I had to leave right away. I was shaking. But I couldn't stand to leave without at least catching his eye once. When I got to Emily's house after leaving the party, that's why I was crying. I was crying because my feelings were so complicated and I felt guilty for them.

The next day after this time in August he basically said, well that was great, but I can't date you. I probably couldn't date him either, but the point was, it was like I got myself back into my addiction to him for nothing. Whether it was for my best interests or not, it felt like I was losing him all over again. I cried to Emily for so long. It doesn't matter that he coerced me into doing things I wasn't ready for. It doesn't matter that he loved me almost obsessively. I was so wrapped up in him for so long that when we're together, it's impossible not to feel the connection. First time I said "I love you" and meant it, first for many things.

It will continue from here another day. I know this isn't at all related to any of my other posts, but this is not only a place for me to discuss gender and sexuality, but a place for me to post personal things that don't belong on my other blog.

It ends better than it sounds here. It really does. Thank you for reading if you've gotten this far.

Today, I'm owning my femme-ness.

Today I bought clothes in the women's section again. I think after being featured in Queer Eye Candy as a femme, and reading all the comments, it made me feel like it was OK to be feminine again.

Here's a clip from my other blog: "I'm reclaiming my femininity. I may not look it, but FG said it the best in an email to me in response to a blog post on my other blog: "who likes to have doors opened for her and drinks poured for her and her cigarettes lit for her." My femininity is on the inside. I don't even LIKE making a lot of the decisions. It's just polite to offer me a part in making it. I guarantee I'll turn the decision over to you a lot of the time. Don't assume that I will cook ot stay home with the kids or do whatever. I might, but don't assume anything. I suppose I just don't like someone expecting me to do one thing or another. All you can expect is that I will be myself. But I want you to see me as a woman. Maybe as a tomboy femme, because in addition to being female, streaks of edgy masculinity shine through, often in my appearance. But I'm reclaiming my identity. I don't fit into any boxes, and that's OK. I may mix and match my gender representations but I'm me, I wear camo pants, wifebeaters, and have super short hair, but I am flattered and wooed beyond belief when someone opens doors for me, pours my drinks, and puts their hand on my back when we go somewhere. I'm just....me."

It didn't really click until maybe this past week that I was OK being myself. And part of that was realizing that I am not comfortable wearing dressy men's clothes. I might for drag, but not for an everyday thing. Many things are a part in my clothing decisions. A big one is simply the fabric, because I am so very sensitive. I'll never give up wearing undershirts except maybe in the summer when it's hot and one layer is enough. Another part of it is that I'm not comfortable with my body. I wish I was thinner. And then there's the whole gender thing. I'm trying to figure out how I want to appear. Well, I like looking feminine...just an edgy kind. No ruffles or anything.

So I bought 2 men's plain colored T-shirts (they were bright colored and super soft and I always need these), and drawstring jeans that fit PERFECTLY, and a teal scoop-neck top that's not made of the really cheap thin cotton, but the durable kind. And a spaghetti strap bright green tank that will show off my tattoo when I get it (I'm getting a large-ish fancy cross on my back).

I DO like being a femme. It doesn't stress me out like when people look to me to be dominant and masculine. It's comfortable because it's me. And I like me, now.

My best friend is pregnant. I still haven't gotten my mind around it. Last time I talked to her, which was last night, she really hadn't either. It was totally unexpected, and she was more anxious than anything. The phone call I got...Monday was way different than the one I got when she was pregnant with A (for whom I'm Fairy Godmother). As I've said, it's still hard for me to get around the fact that our friendship is different forever. I'm not good at adjusting to change, even if I love love love my goddaughter. We've done a good job working it out. And she has been trying to have us spend time together baby-free every so often, like the drag show a few weeks ago and when she came over to see me last Thursday night. I feel like part of my anxiousness is because I feel like she's ahead of me in life or something. Maybe it's the culture in which I was raised, but I feel like if you are married and have kids, you've done your thing. That's never the impression I got from my parents though, their priority for me was college and a good job and being happy. But everyone in my immediate and extended family just assumed I would get married and have kids. So it seemed a natural goal to have subconsciously. I'm employed with a good job and have gotten my degree, and have my own apartment, but somehow that seems not enough. Something in me is still unsatisfied. I think if I knew more people, it would be easier. I just don't have enough of a social life. I would get together with friends more, but I really am miserable when I don't get to sleep by 10. I could pull that off on a Thursday, but no other school night. And the other thing about little children is that they get into everything, and scream bloody murder when you make them give it back, or get down from wherever they are. I spend all day picking my battles and avoiding conflict and then it's like the exact same thing when I'm around little kids, because there are a lot of similarities. Babies don't have other ways to express themselves, and neither do my students. So I don't know what exactly will make me feel like I've accomplished something but I would love to find out. Kids I'll probably have someday, maybe, but not now. Not in the next few years. I could see myself with someone though. This is all just very confusing. And probably selfish-sounding. But it's what I'm thinking, so I can't really apologize for it.

Guess who's on Genderfork? Someone nominated one of my photos, and earlier I'd sent in my profile. I feel so special. Just look on the first page, they should both be there. My andro photo first, and a ltitle further down my profile (Emily Lou). AND, someone found one of my photos on flickr and wants to put it on Queer Eye Candy. I feel so popular today.