Sunday, January 10, 2010

Wait, who?

So, you know how I said I was so happy?

Yeah, I take that back. I cried in therapy Friday for the first time in a long time. I don't cry much anymore, but before I knew what was happening, I felt tears not only in my eyes but sliding out down to my temples...my head was tilted sideways, in my hands. I was starting to talk about how I am fitting into my new identity, and figuring out what that is. Loren asked me how I felt about that. Cue the tears.

How does it feel? Well, it feels like I've stepped into someone else's skin. It doesn't fit. I can move around like I did before, but the way my body responds is unfamiliar. I look at myself in the mirror. I see hair growing out, a nice sweater, and nice makeup. I have a counter full of vegetables and tofu in the freezer. These might all be objectively good things, but they are foreign to me. Me, the fresh-faced, hoodie wearing, spiky haired, Taco-Bell eating person.

What I cannot figure out, and what's impossible to ever know, is if this is really Em minus bipolar, or if this is Em On Medication; medication that changed my personality and preferences. I hate the thought that so much of my identity was wrapped up in bipolar. I WANT to feel wild and crazy. I want my spark back. I'm boring myself. I used to be opinionated and interesting. Now I sit at home eating tofu reading books. I'm not ready for this. I don't want to take my medicine. I can't even take pictures. I can't see things anymore. I miss the person I was. I'm grieving for her.

The more people tell me I seem different, the worse I feel. I just want to know if this is the real me. What IS the real me?

And I still get irritable so it's not as if I'm a zombie with no mood changes. I guess my lightning fast flashes are gone. I should wait and settle into myself for a while, I know. If I go off this particular med for 3 days, I have to start all the way back and titrate back up. That would really screw with me, as well as make the side effects resurface. And also, that means I'd have to get the prescription for the starter pack and that means telling my doctor. She would not be happy. And I'm a people pleaser.

It all just feels so strange. I'm glad I don't spend all my time angry or down, but I'm not sure about all these changes. Just not sure.

4 comments:

floreta said...

i think it's unfortunate that people define themselves by their mental illnesses or X, Y and Z. but i understand how it can be a confusing transition. identity is a very very tricky thing. i think stripped of all ego (bipolar, gender, race, career, etc.) we are ourselves.. we just have to find who we are and go from there. i'm still finding me out.. it's a lifelong process!

Gina said...

I remember feeling just like you when I was struggling with anxiety. And then a few years later, my really good friend went through the same thing...worrying that our personalities would change, etc. You'll find that once your emotions don't rule your life...well, at least not as much, ;) life will be easier. And you will like yourself even more.

LiLu said...

Any time someone says, "How does that make you feel?" you are guaranteed to cry. It's not even fair. That's fighting dirty, in my book.

Alyxherself said...

Hey Em,
I realized I love women at 30, only after my second child was born and three weeks after my tubal ligation. Cosmic humor!
I have been vegetarian since my daughter was born 17yrs ago, and it seems to have helped me with my growth, equamity, and enlightenment along the way, so there's that.
Here's a quicky...in the frozen food section you can find vegetarian meat replacement.."Garden in" brand chick'n is the best but all of it is pretty good, just give your pallate time to change. Fun fact, the taste buds are the most highly adaptable sense we possess.
Anyway I throw any of that in a hot skillet with sliced mushrooms and spinich, anything you want to garnish like walnut vinigrette or soy sauce or whatev, and its quick and easy.
Here's a pretty cool site: http://ordinaryvegetarian.blogspot.com/
But just about any ordinary meat dish like casseroles, chilli, or lagnasa can be adapted with a meat substitute.
In the produce section they usually have like veggie cold cuts, so you can still have sammiches and that.
Also veggie hot dogs make great slaw dogs man.
Okay good luck with all that, foxhole it out and keep fightin, kid :)