Sunday, March 7, 2010


I went through things in the attic. I found old joiurnal entries, some marked with blood from when I cut while I was writing. It brought back vivid memories of nights that I've talked about so often that I feel numb to them, but when I read these pages, it was written so close to the event that it seemed more real to me. I felt off for the rest of the day.

I went to The Creep's facebook page (we're not friends but he's friends with a lot of mine). His profile picture is him with some girl. This girl is very attractive. She's someone I would hit on. She has better hair than me. I got all funny feeling.

And now I want to cut. I haven't wanted to this much in a while. I avoided the hardware aisle in the drugstore because I knew I'd want to buy razors. I have sharp knives here but I have to be careful with those. I don't want to cut too much. It is very controlled.

The scars on my legs are like tally marks. How many times have I felt chaos inside? How many times have I needed to make it go away?

I need to go to sleep. I want to be rested for school. If I start the Monday off tired, it throws my whole week off. But I want to make my insides quiet.

*five minutes passes*

I tried to cut. It didn't work. The blade is too dull and if I pull it along my skin, it's a long knife and I'm afraid it would make a long cut. One that would need medical attention, which I want to avoid. I'm very careful and methodical about this. I always have been. So I scratched. I didn't draw blood but I left a lot of red stinging skin. I feel a little quieter. Not as good as if I had cut, but better. Maybe able to sleep.

I hadn't self injured in 2 years. Fuck.

1 comment:

Gina said...

I hope you start to feel better. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.