Monday, October 4, 2010

Fuck U-Haul.

So let's skip most of the backstory here. I ended up getting back together with R, it has been wonderful, and now she is living with me. I feel cliche with that, but she had to be out of her current place really soon, and I thought this could work. We'll see.

Holy cow. She has as many space/emotion issues as I do. Well, more really. I don't regret having her here, it was my idea although she was right there with me thinking about it, but it's hard not having control of everything in my house. She is an adult and makes her own decisions and has her own needs, and it's very hard for me not to get angry when she makes decisions I don't like. When we have issues about emotional stuff, she thinks it through by leaving for a while. I get hurt that she doesn't want to be with me, even though I often do the same thing. I love being alone sometimes. But now that she's here it's like my fucking borderline came right back. I don't want to start being manipulative. And right now she's on my couch crying. And it looks like she wants nothing to do with me. Deep down I really do like someone there when I cry, but only when it's a very trusted person which explains why I rarely cry in front of people. I am hurt but really the worst feeling is being out of control. I can't make her do anything. I'm just exiled to another part of the house because she wants to be alone. And yes, I know. She is perfectly entitled to alone time, especially in a small apartment. But I have such a fear of lack of control AND being left behind that things like this really get me. When she gets out of bed in the middle night to go "think things through" on the couch, I can't sleep after that. I stay up tossing and turning, wishing she would just stay in bed and talk to me.

Will it be like this every day? I can't handle that. We all have our moments but every single day of this will be so hard to live with. I need my home to be calm. And if this is going on, plus getting up in the middle of the night all the time, I will spend ALL my time tired and tense. I can't do that. I spent last night with awful tremors and a racing heart. My doctor says it is probably a side effect of one of my meds but maybe not, you know? I have some tremors when I am totally relaxed and about to go to sleep. But last night it was so scary. It's never been like that before. And when we were having sort of almost sex kind of, my right arm shook in sets of three as if there were 3 separate muscles there and it made my arm shake violently. It was scary. And afterwards I didn't just get the usual shaking like you do after some good time with your girl, it was more violent and it lasted for a long time.

I'm exhausted because we've hardly slept, mostly due to the fact that she has had issues and has either needed to talk or has gone on the couch, which means I can't sleep. So I think my sore throat is partially due to that. I cannot HANDLE this. I want to be able to handle it. I love her, I really do. But I don't know how to make this work. I can't do the serious stuff every day. I need fun and lighthearted. When I get back from school I need calm. I feel like I am losing my independence. How do married people do this? I do want her around but it is sinking in how much I am giving up and changing to do this.

I'm tired and sick and I don't know what to do.


Gina said...

Every relationship takes work.

But not every relationship takes THAT much work.

That being said, it took B and I a long time to realize how to argue fairly. And still, it drives him crazy how I just want arguments to be over, and me crazy how he could talk any argument to death.


Beth said...

All I can say is to go back and read your August 19th post. Looks like you may be in this for the long haul. BTW, I LOVE your hair!!

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