Sunday, March 29, 2009

I'm really isolated. I have zero friends. I never see or talk to Emily (my best friend) anymore. We talk MAYBE once a week. And she was really my only lifeline. And I'm still not used to the fact that our time is always the same as baby time. Babies are loud and needy and scream when you take things from them and as heartless as I sound, I have no desire to be around that right now. Maybe ever. Even if she IS my goddaughter and I love her.

I go to work every day, am nearly brought to tears every day, and by the end of the day I am emotionally drained. I go home and talk to my cats and I have a computer, which I now hate, because it remind me of how alone I am. Rejoining People of Praise will never be an option. They wouldn't let me be openly bisexual. My coworkers are much older than me and don't live near me. The blog community I can relate to is spread across the country. I quit L.O.G. (where I was a youth group leader) so that I could be more out (and I don't regret it, and Terry supported me SO much and was wonderful about it). I would reach out to people and maybe do things with them if I knew people. I need to know more people. I know so many people who make me feel funny for being me around them. It's not just the bisexual issue either, it's a lot of things. I feel very out of place around so very many people. I can sit and try to concentrate about what we have in common but there are so many differences. There's almost zero queer community here. All the lesbians I've met have been catty and immature. All of them. Seriously. I'm sure there are nicer ones somewhere, but nowhere I've met.

It's sad. I'm 25, and already I'm an island. Maybe this is why people move to bigger cities. So many of the reasons I stayed in South Bend no longer apply. Maybe it's time to get out of here and find a new place.

I haven't been depressed in years. I've been angry and anxious and self-injurious because of it, but never really sad. but I'm sad now. My job is horrendously difficult and taxing, and I don't see anyone. It makes for a pretty sad life.


saintchick said...

please email me anytime you need to talk, I can't promise I can give any earth shattering wisdom, but I can help :)

Miss Emily said...

:) Thanks. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen to you rant.