Saturday, March 7, 2009

Who is this Em the Femme, anyway?

I've been thinking more about gender lately. I had another blog about gender but it got ignored. See, I didn't want that blog showing up on my profile. I have family members and whatnot who don't need to see it. I didn't realize I could control what blogs showed up on the profile. So now here this one is. I'll be updating this much more often. This is primarily for my issues with my sexuality and gender expression. There is such a loving and large queer community online and I want to be a part of that.

I read this post on femmes and it got me thinking about my own identity again. She made this point about how when she is dressed in heels and a dress, she feels like she can take someone down and make them fall for her with a glance (I paraphrase). And when she's a little more butch looking, it's just her femme being expressed differently, and that it's a different kind of power. But that they're both powerful.

That's exactly it. It's just a different kind of power. I have a different attitude and I face the world in different ways. I interact in different ways depending on how I am dressed.

I am very much a bottom and a femme. But when I walk around in my gray camo pants and a wifebeater, I feel like I can take on the world. 90% of the time I wear pretty gender-neutral things like T-shirts and jeans. That's just my everyday outfit. I dress for comfort. I have lots of tactile defensiveness when it comes to clothes. When I dress in my butch stuff, I feel powerful in a very different way, and in a very liberating way. It frees me. I make sure to wear my sports bra (which I wear a lot anyway simply for comfort reasons)

And the post on multigendered femmes over at Sublime Femme started this thought train ages ago, and I just reread the comments and the response to mine and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. Even though people have told me time and time again that if I feel strongly inside that I'm a femme, I am, and no one can tell me otherwise. But I guess the way SF worded it in reply to my comment just made me feel so much better. And one other comment said that if she is dressing in high femme OR in butch it's like drag, and sometimes I feel the same way.

I'm also attracted to masculinity. Maybe androgyny too. Maybe even a fellow tomboy femme. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not attracted to people who dress in a very feminine way and who have those feminine personality traits. There's nothing wrong with those things of course, I'm just not attracted to it. My last girlfriend was very feminine and though I loved spenidng time with her, and liked to hold her hand, there was no real passion. I kept thinking it would come, and it never did. I want someone to be dominant, in sex and in other areas of life. I want to be taken and wooed and hold onto my lover's arm as we walk down the street.

Maybe I'll write more about my peronal life later. Right now this is what I want to blog. Now, off to find the other people in blog-land who might be interested in this. I think I want to go find Leo especially He(?)'s/She(?)'s pretty sweet. I'm sorry for the question marks. I just have no idea what pronouns you use!


Leo MacCool said...

aw, shucks.

i use female pronouns but either are fine with me.

Sublimefemme said...

Hi Em,

Thanks for your comments over at SF Unbound, especially since I didn't realize you started a new blog. I look forward to reading more!