I don't know if that's because I don't know what sex is other than pain, or that's just me. Maybe it's because he used to bite me and bruise me. But the real damage was nothing you could see. Last year even, whenever we were together we would be frantic. It was all consuming and scary. We would lie together in bed and I would let him just bite me because I couldn't feel anything else. But then later I would see myself in the mirror and not know who that reflection belonged to. He never understood what he did to me, inside OR out. I didn't want him in my bed in the first place. He usually conned himself in there and almost forced me to sleep with him.
I don't know if it's a good thing or not. I don't know if I'm just submissive and that's what I want, or if this is my way of not being numb, or both. When I was with Cat, I made her scratch me so hard that I was almost bleeding. I made her pull my hair so hard. She was so afraid she would hurt me, and even though I hate this phrase, it hurt so good. It didn't really hurt at all, but felt good. It's like in the L Word, after Dana died, Alice (her best friend and former girlfriend) and Lara (her most recent girlfriend) had sex, and Alice said "I want to feel something. Make me bleed."
And I don't know how to love without pain. Sometimes I need it to feel. But I'm strong and I can take it. Pull my hair and scratch me and hurt me.
I will grow back like a starfish.
(L. MacCool, how do you always know what to say? Or in this case, what music to post about. We're so different, except sometimes not. This song may hold different meaning, but it's still important to me. Thanks.)
This song is probably about BDSM but it holds a separate meaning for me.)
Mr. Muscle forcing bursting
Stingy thingy into little me, me, me
But just "ripple" said the cripple
As my jaw dropped to the ground
Smile smile
It's true I always wanted love to be
Hurtful
And it's true I always wanted love to be
Filled with pain
And bruises
Yes, so Cripple-Pig was happy
Screamed " I just compeletely love you!
And there's no rhyme or reason
I'm changing like the seasons
Watch! I'll even cut off my finger
It will grow back like a Starfish!
It will grow back like a Starfish!
It will grow back like a Starfish!"
Mr. Muscle, gazing boredly
And he checking time did punch me
And I sighed and bleeded like a windfall
Happy bleedy, happy bruisy
I am very happy
So please hit me
I am very happy
So please hurt me
I am very happy
So please hit me
I am very very happy
So come on hurt me
I'll grow back like a Starfish
(Antony and the Johnsons, Cripple and the Starfish)
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4 comments:
I enjoy all those feelings when I'm having sex. I don't analyze them....I just enjoy them.
I have no negative past experience. My earliest sexual fantasies always involved BDSM. I think some of us are just wired that way.
I guess the question would be can you enjoy sex without the pain?
~vk~
boy do I EVER relate to the feeling of wondering whether I just THINK I want something when in actuality it's masking something else that's unhealthy, or whether I ACTUALLY want it, as a healthy desire.
that's kind of convoluted, but point is: I FEEL YOU.
I probably didn't do a very good job of differentiating between liking my hair pulled, etc. and letting him do things to me because I was numb. One could conceivably be healthy, and the other one is part of a bigger problem, but they're both connected somehow. More than anything being hurt brings back more memories of not feeling rather than just a kink. But maybe it helped me develop a kink. I don't know.
Thanks for your thoughts.
mm, that's why i like the song, i think it suggests both things... the pain-in-sex thing that can be good & ok, and the pain-for-numbness thing that is something else entirely. it's not a celebration but it's not a condemnation either, it just conjures up that incredibly fraught space. masochism as a sexual practice is someplace i've basically never been able to go, at all, ever. sadism yes. eh, that's my own post!
in re your more recent post... yes, i know what you're talking about. cutting has never been my thing but i have my own ways of inflicting pain for much the same reasons. taking down the inner pain a notch. no answers at the moment but i'm glad you're able to stay safe from that desire right now, turn away from that aisle and come blog or whatever instead.
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