I used to cut a lot. I still want to, sometimes. Maybe now is the time to talk about it. I just feel like putting it out here. I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't feel bad about it.
The first time I did it it WAS for attention and not as therapy and that was senior year of high school. I discovered the rush of endorphins freshman year, and I used a knife The Creep gave me. It was a wavy blade thing that flipped out in a really cool way. I didn't really start for real until maybe '05. I don't know what happened right before I started. I had to think first, because I went out to buy boxcutters. And some people say they're numb and they can't feel it. I felt it. And it hurt. But it was a quick hurt. I would gasp with the pain and then it would be over. Each time I did it, I felt a little more relief. I probably needed stitches in a few of the cuts but never got any. I only went to the health center once for it and he said I would live without them. Normally I got no help though. I wanted scars and I never put anything on them to help the cuts heal. I did this over and over. When I was done cutting I would feel this sense of relief and exhaustion. I could finally sleep. I would try not to, and then I couldn't handle it any more. I was at a prayer meeting even, and in the middle of the meeting I walked to the bathroom and cut my shoulder. The buzz lasts for a little bit and then I would crash and be sleepy. It's by no means a permanent solution, but it takes away the inside pain for a while.
Part of why I did it was to relieve the tension when I was angry. I got angry a lot. Another was to relieve tension because I couldn't feel anything when someone tried to touch me. At the time, nothing felt good. I remember an ex boyfriend trying to hook up with me and it just was NOT happening. As soon as he started touching me I lost feeling. So when I got back I cut and I felt and I was better.
People tried to help, but didn't. My best friend pretended like she was cutting and basically baited me and got me to talk about it that way, saying if it wasn't OK if she did, it wasn't OK if I did. That was probably the worst way EVER. I ended up feeling so much more shame. I already knew it was wrong. And then I resented her and never wanted to tell her when I needed help. Don't ever do that. I have a sneaking suspicion she found this and is reading it, and it would really hurt me if that were the case. I've already asked more than once for people to stop reading (and she would be in that group of people I don't want reading this). This is my safe space, where I can finally talk about the things I never could on my public blog. In fact the last time I cut is because she got on me about something on my old blog and I ended up feeling hurt and angry so I went out and got blades and cut a LOT. That is part of why I have this blog, so I can talk about my situations with my friends and be angry if I feel like it without repercussion. But that is beside the point.
I haven't done it in a while. But every time I see a razor blade or box cutters I have to make someone move them. I've looked in the aisle at the store many times. Sometimes I scratch my face when I'm angry or sad instead but that's still a dangerous road for me. Sometimes I want to do it even when I'm not hurting. It just feels good. That feeling you get from it is addictive (addicting?). And no one really understands. They try but in the end they get so confused that I end up feeling worse about doing it. My pain and pleasure centers are all mixed up, which is why pain during sex is a confusing subject for me. I dont want it to turn into self-injury. Because once I start cutting, it's hard to stop.
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