Question of the Day

What is a stone butch? And more importantly, why is a stone butch a stone butch? Though I'm sure there are a myriad of reasons, it's just that I don't know any of them. I don't want anyone to think I want to really dig into someone's deep dark secrets, but it's an area of our community that I don't really understand. Most of the lesbians I know are ones who reject any kind of labels other than gay, and don't ever want to discuss gender with me. They're just not interested. So I have a lot to learn.

Today's post is about tattoos.

I might actually be posting daily. Sorry if you get inundated with posts if you don't check here very often. See, now I want to get this tattoo on my back. Here's a picture of it taped to my back. This was one of my ways to see if I really liked it. It's not the most flattering picture, but the idea is, I wanted to check it out first. I liked it. I will move it down a couple inches to center it more between my shoulder blades, but that's it. Or so I thought. For a while I've been researching tattoo places and I found one I like. But as I visited there today, got a business card, ensured it was clean and sterile, and had the guy price my tattoo and see how much detail I would lose, I started to get nervous. I've been talking about this for a while. Although it isn't huge, it also isn't a small tattoo. It's that large and in that place because my first tattoo was small and by my right shoulder blade. I got it at a terrible time in my life, and Mom knew it, and paid for me to get it removed. This is why I've waited years to think about another one. I didn't want another small tattoo by the shoulder blade. I don't like ankle or arm tattoos on me. And they would be hard to cover up for school. I don't want it on my hips, because I know my weight fluctuates, and I'm starting to lose some of it, and don't want the shape to get wonky. My back is looking like the only option. And a small cross, unless it's by the shoulder blade, would look silly. Does it look dumb? Does it look too big?

Another issue I'm having is with other people's reactions. I can think of a person or two who would probably dislike it a great deal, and to be honest, I'd rather not completely rule out the possibility of a relationship just because I want this thing. It's not THAT important to me. I mean it is, but it isn't. I began thinking about the phrase "If he/she loves you, it won't matter what you look like." This is true, but I feel like I should point out to myself that everyone is attracted to different people and looks and personalities. For example, I've never been attracted to someone with blond hair and blue eyes. I always end up dating people with dark hair and oftentimes green eyes. I don't specifically search for people with these traits, I just am more likely to be attracted to these people. Maybe there are people who just don't like tattoos, and won't be attracted to me. I can't even type this and lie to you all and say there's not a couple people in my head. But can I really be thinking of their opinion when I'm making decisions about my appearance? How much does that matter? Should I even care?

My priority in this tattoo, or any, is that it won't be hard to cover during school, it won't fade to a funky color (I'm getting it done in black and will retouch if needed), and won't be SO intricate that the edges will be blurry.

Also, this thing will take 2 hours, if I get that size. Ouch. I'm not into the whole pain=adrenaline thing. It only works with piercing. My old tattoo did hurt, and not in a good way.

Thoughts?

I added a little more explanation to my Savage Love post. Just trying to explain myself so it doesn't sound judgmental. Maybe I just sound too traditional, but that's my philosophy when it comes to love. Nothing behind someone's back. Talk about things. Make decisions together. But I know the edits won't come up in Reader.

Also, I feel I should mention that the post on dating wasn't as much about a specific situation (although I'm sure the thought train had to start SOMEwhere) and more about what healthy dating is. I know there's more than one way to do it, and I'm just exploring it. It's something I really need to know. I'm capable, and I like it, but I'm still new in it.

I saw L today and she asked me (she's right, of course) if my insistence on planning and knowing what's coming gives me a sense of security, and that's why I do it, and why it spills over into my love life. Well, yes. I hadn't thought about it that way before, but that's really it.

I'm not really one for starting things with an explosion, and then figuring it out. I'm just not wired that way. I need to do things systematically, with knowledge about the other person first, and any kind of physical anything later. With T, that wasn't an issue, but it wasn't until later that I realized that it was because I wasn't really attracted to her. She was too passive, too willing to let me do all the talking/decision making/move making. It stressed me the hell out. But I've talked about that many times before. I know it's different when you are with a person who cannot even stand next to you without the whole bottom half of your face shaking because you are trying not to grin like a moron. Again. Uh, not speaking from experience or anything. Point is, it's that I'm not always sure how to pace things.

What I'm grateful for is that I've come down off this 2 or 3 week long "up" period where I've had trouble sleeping, I've been very mood swingy, but mostly happy. I was just coasting on this extra energy from something and my mind was making up these scenarios ALL day and I could not stop it no matter what I tried. And I think my weekend at th retreat cooking, which exhausted me, just broke it. Finally I woke up on Monday morning feeling better about life. I was calmer, quieter, and at peace with all of my uncertain things. It feels wonderful.

Savage Love

I feel like someone told me to listen to Savage Love (Dan Savage's podcast). So today I did. And it made me angry. I couldn't even finish it. Now, I'm getting to be more open-minded about relationships and sex and whatnot. Here's what bugged me. Someone called in saying that one, their husband had health issues and sex wasn't really possible, and second, that she wasn't attracted to him anyway, that she just saw him as the father of her kids. Her friend is the one calling, and said she frst admonished her for wanting sex elsewhere and leaving the kids with the dad if she left, and then started to wonder how she could help. Well, Mr. Brillianthead said that cheating was a great idea. She should find someone to cheat with who is having the same problem. It would apparently help her stay in her marriage if she got her freak on elsewhere. I'll explain my feelings about this after I talk about the next caller.

This other woman called in and said her sex life wasn't what it used to be, and that she has tried for years to help him figure out what she likes, and nothing has worked. Well, she's started cheating on him and I guess she's all happy with this man. She wants to leave him and stay with this guy. I feel for the woman, I really do. It may not have been sex, I wasn't doing that, but I do understand that sometimes it's frustrating when no one listens to you. For example, I hated being treated like I'm delicate. If you're going to kiss me, KISS me, for heaven's sake. I suppose not every time has to be exactly the same, but that's something I like. I'm not breakable, I'm not delicate, and if you go there, I get bored very quickly. However, when I was in that position in a relationship, I was not about to go out and cheat on this person with someone who listened to my likes and dislikes. He said to "throw a bomb at his feet" and just leave him. Perhaps maybe they should have a conversation first?

Now, even though I'm totally 100% monogamous, I know there are people who aren't. That's fine, I'm not here to tell them they're wrong. But that's different than cheating. Polyamorous people discuss things with one another. If there's communication, and the husband says OK sure that's fine, that's one thing. If she cheats, that's a violation of trust.

There was a couple on there who hadn't had sex for religious reasons. I did think that (I have my own personal reasons now), and I'm pretty sure I'll date someone who thinks that. I can live with that. In fact, when L pointed out that I might not feel pressured to offer my body to them just because I thought it was all they wanted (my ex kinda used my body for his own agenda, never asked if it was OK, and didn't think it had any effect on me and in fact thought he was being the best boyfriend EVER), I was thrilled. YES! For once, I'm NOT feeling pressured to do ANY of the things I don't want to do. This is something I need to work on with someone who will be there with me for the long haul. But that's another story. This girl called in with a question about her fiance. He was having, well, lasting issues (I may be open minded about things but I'm still not good at using actual words). He basically yelled at her and called her names for waiting, called him names, said it was utter bullshit for anyone to wait until marriage, and told her over and over to go over there and demand he give her sex. I'm sorry, what? Again, you need to have more discussions with your partner. So OK, it might mean their marriage starts off with needing to have several long talks about their love life, but what marriage doesn't? He didn't even try to keep the disdain from his voice.

Talk, people. One of the best relationship things I've ever learned. Be open. Having an open relationship could be good for some people. Cheating (implying secrecy) is never good. It's not unforgivable, and it's something I feel I might be able to work through if a partner cheated on me, but it's still cheating. And while it may bring up some issues to wait until marriage, it's not bullshit, and it's not an invitation to be berated for it. Telling someone to give it up and have sex when they already said they didn't want to doesn't even make sense.

Has anyone else listened to him? What do you think? I've only heard one episode, but that was enough.

Put me back together again.

Sometimes I feel like I am living in a state of bodily disarray. Things are not where they should be, and I can't seem to decide where the ground is. I'm everywhere and nowhere.

I've been posting a lot lately. Some people inspire conversation and musings, some people make me clam up like the awkward person I am. I woke up this morning with the beginnings of a migraine/not really a migraine but close. I have debilitating tension headaches that are sometimes accompanied with light sensitivity and nausea. It's my body's way of telling me I am really stressing about something. Sometimes I know what it is, sometimes I have to really search myself. I'm not light sensitive right now, but the back of my neck is so tight. My muscles around my head get so tight that they actually get sore and tired the way your legs do if you're standing for a long time. It's a strange feeling. I have to take aspirin with caffeine for my headaches to go away. Nothing else works. I also felt nauseous. So when I got up early to go in, I couldn't decide if I was just sick and ready to lose my dinner, or was headache sick. I talked to my kitchen co-person and said I would go back home for a bit. I drove and got some regular Coke (Mom once said flat warm Coke helps with nausea, I drink it cold and fizzy so I think it's a psychological effect) and took my aspirin. I'm not feeling hungry now, but certainly not on the verge of throwing up. My headache is slowly going away. Neck still sore.

As I've spent so much time lately being self-involved and letting my mind wander and either create heavenly or horribly depressing conclusions, I've been losing energy. Well, I'm restless, but haven't been able to really get myself to do anything. Last night I had a really good talk with my dad. He understands me. When I called my mom earlier in tears, I told her I wanted her to just comfort me. When I talked to Dad, I wanted his point of view. We think alike, though sometimes I get emotionally involved more than he does. He encouraged me to just live this summer. Explore things, go foward with life. And then this morning I was thinking about all that. As I was driving to get my Coke before going home to rest, I began thinking about my day. I was thinking about who and what is important to me, OTHER than this whole big other thing on my mind. I remembered that BFF was probably bringing Goddaughter to the retreat because she's working and could not find a babysitter. Between The Husband and I (he's one of the adults at the retreat) we can keep her occupied. If needed, I will take off early and put her to bed. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy. A, my goddaughter (she is...21 months-ish), has been much more outwardly affectionate towards me lately. She sits right next to me and picks up my arm and puts it around her when we watch Veggie Tales clips on my computer, and sometimes she'll just crawl up on me and touch her nose to my nose and grin. I'll be looking forward to seeing her.

I think I just need to be more deliberate with my activities. I took the last 3 days to be head clearing days. Wednesday I spent a few hours working on my curriculum for next year and watched Kill Bill Vol. 1 with my brother. I figured out part of why I love both those Kill Bill movies. The main characters are VERY strong women playing very masculine roles. You never see women as the assassins. Women don't kill 88 of Lucy Liu's men with one sword, even if it WAS a Hanzo Hattori. All of that masculine energy. So that was fun. Thursday I went to church (daily Mass with the whole 15 people who attend is the only REAL time I can spend with God), tutored a former student, and made some real food helped.

And Chicago Pride is in a week!!!!! I cannot wait to go with my mom. I am going to get all decked out in pride gear. I know some people are really opposed to that, but I think it will be fun. It's the only time of year I can really do that! I bet my mom will even put some rainbows on. She's liked rainbows WAY before I came out to her, or even myself. She's been really supportive. I know my dad is too, but parades aren't his thing. I'm going to buy some rainbow jewelry and maybe get a tank top or something.




And now for something completely different for anyone reading, butch, femme, or in between: Do you like a particular tone of voice? Deep, light, high....Do other femmes like deep voices? I've been thinking about it lately, and then remembering it again last night when someone I hadn't heard from in ages called me, and I remembered that deeper voices make me feel all woozy.

I write a lot in here as opposed to my other journal because I am just so tired of sharing things with so many people I'm not sure I can trust entirely. So sorry for all the rambling. Time for me to take a shower and decide whether or not I am OK enough to go back to the retreat yet. I will eventually, I do need to keep an eye on A.

One more thing. Yesterday, I was in a terrible mood. I just lost it over something and after I wenr home to take a shower, I dressed in my "I need to feel badass" clothes. I DO wear them when I'm feeling insecure. It's just an interesting phenomenon. The more powerful I need to feel, if I'm feeling low, the more masculine and badass I like. Hmm,.