Monday, April 6, 2009

God I miss Cat tonight. I am not entirely sure how attracted I was to her, and it made me mad and I tried so hard. But her apartment smelled nice, she made a point of buying nice furniture and a nice bed for it (she's a new professor at a college here), and she was so very loving. She was soft and smelled good and was the first person to discuss sex with me like an adult. She asked me what I liked, she made me say things out loud, and then she actually did what I said I wanted. It was groundbreaking. I'd dated men who never really bothered to ask, and had I said something, probably would have gotten uncomfortable. I don't know why I miss her like I do tonight...although I have a feeling. I belong to this site that is primarily used for dating, but I just have found friends on there, and they have tests to take. I'm not just making excuses, that's seriously why I joined. But I met her on there. And I looked at someone's profile tonight and they had some similar interests. Teacher, introvert, things like that.

I will write later about other issues, since for the time being this blog is my place to vent about my confusion about gender and sexuality, but I should just mention that part of why I felt uncomfortable is because she wasn't outgoing enough. Her personality was not strong enough. I get strong and opinionated sometimes, but I need someone to match that. And she was not exactly feminine, but she wasn't masculine either, which is what I'm attracted to.

But even with all that said, I miss her tonight. I was cared for and loved and I was in a emotionally and physically comfortable atmosphere.

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