Monday, April 6, 2009

To have and to hold. I can handle the having, but definitely NOT the holding.

I don't like holding someone else. I want to be held. I don't like being the one holding the other person if we're spooning, as much as I HATE that word. And I very rarely stay like that for long anyway, because I move around a lot, and I can't sleep with someone touching me. So when Cat asked me that when we first started talking, and she said she liked to be the one being held, I got nervous and was just terrified.

When my ex, known as The Creep (juvenile, but the name kinda stuck), would just lie there in bed and tell me to do whatever I want, I froze in fear. It was so much pressure. And he would act all disappointed and I would feel guilty and uncomfortable. Not only did I not know what he wanted, but I wasn't comfortable with him in general (I shouldn't have even been talking to the unstable boy, let alone sleeping with him) , and it's just not in my personality. So it's a possibility that my lack of ability to be more dominant has something to do with The Creep.

Something else that's just off topic but interesting is that I get all girly when I run into a butch. No one makes me a femme more than they do. I'm shocked at how I act. Not shocked in a bad way, but it takes me by surprise. I giggle and raise my eyebrows and WANT to be a girl. It's just the strangest thing.

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