Wednesday, April 15, 2009

My best friend is pregnant. I still haven't gotten my mind around it. Last time I talked to her, which was last night, she really hadn't either. It was totally unexpected, and she was more anxious than anything. The phone call I got...Monday was way different than the one I got when she was pregnant with A (for whom I'm Fairy Godmother). As I've said, it's still hard for me to get around the fact that our friendship is different forever. I'm not good at adjusting to change, even if I love love love my goddaughter. We've done a good job working it out. And she has been trying to have us spend time together baby-free every so often, like the drag show a few weeks ago and when she came over to see me last Thursday night. I feel like part of my anxiousness is because I feel like she's ahead of me in life or something. Maybe it's the culture in which I was raised, but I feel like if you are married and have kids, you've done your thing. That's never the impression I got from my parents though, their priority for me was college and a good job and being happy. But everyone in my immediate and extended family just assumed I would get married and have kids. So it seemed a natural goal to have subconsciously. I'm employed with a good job and have gotten my degree, and have my own apartment, but somehow that seems not enough. Something in me is still unsatisfied. I think if I knew more people, it would be easier. I just don't have enough of a social life. I would get together with friends more, but I really am miserable when I don't get to sleep by 10. I could pull that off on a Thursday, but no other school night. And the other thing about little children is that they get into everything, and scream bloody murder when you make them give it back, or get down from wherever they are. I spend all day picking my battles and avoiding conflict and then it's like the exact same thing when I'm around little kids, because there are a lot of similarities. Babies don't have other ways to express themselves, and neither do my students. So I don't know what exactly will make me feel like I've accomplished something but I would love to find out. Kids I'll probably have someday, maybe, but not now. Not in the next few years. I could see myself with someone though. This is all just very confusing. And probably selfish-sounding. But it's what I'm thinking, so I can't really apologize for it.

1 comment:

Kim said...

"And the other thing about little children is that they get into everything, and scream bloody murder when you make them give it back, or get down from wherever they are." I just had to giggle out loud when I read this. I sometimes spend my entire day dealing with this very thing.