A lot of thoughts, all mushed together in one post.

It's funny, when I'm around someone masculine, I act more feminine. I said that before and I'm still thinking about it. It's automatic. I am highly uncomfortable acting in a masculine way. It just feels so wrong to me. Not wrong as in morally wrong, just that it doesn't fit. It's why my conversations with my two former girlfriends felt strained sometimes, because it was assumed that I was taking charge, that I was more dominant, and they looked at me as if they were waiting for something. Well, no. I wasn't prepared for that. I may look badass, but inside I'm nothing of the sort. Soemtimes I dress the part just to boost my self-confidence if I'm feeling a little weak.

I think some of my masculinity comes from wanting to feel and act strong. Why I associate that with men probably has something to do with the culture in which I've been raised, especially in my family. This is NOT to say my mother was not strong at all. But we will all attest to the fact that my dad is the glue that holds our house together. And I think part of it has to do with the fact that my femininity was always translated to mean something sexual. I was given a lot of lectures about flirting and clothing and all of that and so in my head expressing myself meant sex, and there was no in between. I'm still struggling with that.

For those of you who are women dating masculine women, what separates you from being straight, especially if the person you are dating is very masculine in looks and traits? Now before you jump all over me, I'm asking out of pure curiosity and, well, ignorance. I don't know, so I'm asking. What is it that attracts you to butches instead of men? I am fully aware that we are more thna our DNA, so there's something maybe intangible that is going on here. I've just been wondering. I know there's a reason.

I was always the one to complain about the word submissive as it relates to marriage and Christianity. But part of my problem was that I didn't really understand why someone would WANT to do that. I had never experienced someone who cared for me romantically but respected me enough so that I wouldn't have to make everything a power struggle. When I hear people talking about D/s and other related things, it scares the bejeezus out of me because I think, why would you do that? Doesn't that make you panic to know that someone controls you? But that's not really the case, a good dominant personality (and I'm not just speaking of sex here, just in general) will not make you a doormat. It's just that I can count on one hand the amount of people for whom I could do that, people I trust.

So when I was talking to P today about some stuff, we talked about something that has come up numerous times before. What has happened to me in past years (people with boundary issues and saying no issues) doesn't still make me break down and cry, but it has changed how I understand people and relationships. It has made me cautious, but at the same time, helped me not make everything SO serious and just go with the flow a little bit. It hinders my ability to trust that someone will ask for my opinion and then actually respect it. I'm actively working on it. But we ARE shaped by what we have been through, for better or for worse. And Mom told me once that oftentimes, people who have never been hurt like that will not understand our need to go to therapy and talk about these things. Mom went through a lot as a child, things I never experienced. My grandpa was a terribly unkind person, especially to my mother, which fueled my animosity when she came to live with us. I knew what she'd done to her, and I had no desire to help her out, even though she was old and sick. I felt guilty for feeling that way, but anyone who hurts someone I love gets that response from me. I'm getting off track here. My point is, I needed therapy. I still go now, just not as often. I want to use the crap that I've been through and learn from it and grow and be more mature, discerning, and responsible.

And lastly, one of the things I'm most afraid of is that my friends and family are just waiting for me to get through this phase. I identified as straight for years and am just now calling myself..well, I don't know what to call it. I don't think in genders, I think in gendered traits and appearances. Even if I date a man, I'll still be bisexual. Even when I get married. And I'm not sure everyone understands that. I don't plan on identifying as anything else right now, but I don't know. And I won't ever figure it out unless I date people and see what ends up working.

I'm sorry that none of these large thoughts are connected. I'm going to eat my unkempt looking poppyseed cake that I managed to mangle. Luckily it is still yummy.