Sunday, August 16, 2009

My mental health issues are really getting me down right now. Thanks to some new testing I've been requesting for ages, I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (just not the "classic" kind everyone thinks of), a secondary of at least having borderline personality traits, and a provisional diagnosis of intermittent explosive disorder. My therapist explained it like this: maybe if I get on some bipolar med like Lacmictal, Depakote, or whatever (they often use anticonvulsants), it might take care of my giant temper so therefore the IED as well. I don't completely understand the psych report I read. I told my therapist to read it and she said she'd translate it for me. Basically, I have a lot of mood swings. I have a terrible temper. I take everything personally. Loren said she's not surprised at that. I got yelld at in high school for dating behind my parents' backs. They monitored my email and phone calls and we were not on good terms. In college, everyone I knew, everyone, got all bitchy with me about dating this jerk. Yes, he was a jerk who hurt me, but I needed friends, not more rules about when and where i could see him. I didn't need people following me, and I certainly didn't need to be kicked out of the one place I thought I could trust people. So hte reason I'm paranoid now? That's because I got a bunch of crap dumped on me all at one time. Of COURSE I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Because for a while, I WAS. So now it manifests itself in me having very thin skin, and thinking everyone is insulting me when they're making general statements.

It's so hard to go through life thinking everyone is out to get you. As much as I tell myself it's notr ttrue, it doesn't work. For a while, no one really cared enough to really hear my side of the story. And now, with all this other stuff going on, I can go from normal to raging mad in under 10 seconds. If I don't get out of there ASAP, and sometimes I get no warning, I will scream at people uncontrollably and pound my fists and cry and claw at my face in frustration. It makes me want to cut all over again. Now I just scratch. It feels cathartic. I'll discuss self injury anothe time. If someone criticizes me, or even so much as postpones something or changes a plan, I break down. I feel like they don't like me, and also, my schedule is changing and I simply cannot handle that and I get panicked.

Right now I'm stressing about school. Yes, I love teaching kids with severe disabilities. But I've never had to plan a classroom all by myself. I'm very worried. It's all new for me. I have a principal who is supportive but has very high standards, once being a special ed teacher herself. I hope if I seem proactive and ask questions maybe she won't mistake me for being lazy. I'm just new and need to know things. Nothing can REALLY prepare you for having your own classroom.

My Xanax I took is making me tired. I got some water on the computer and the mother(fucking)board is done for. I needed a new computer before December anyway because my warranty ends, and I NEED that warranty. Guess I am getting a new one now. I screamed at technical support because the salespeopleweren't going to be there until Monday. I then cried, no, sobbed, uncontrollably for a few minutes. I didn't settle down until I took Xanax.

If you know any of my friends, please understand my mental health issues are completely confidential. Please respect that. Don't even allude to them. I'll share when I'm ready if I ever do.

It's scary going through life when you are at the mercy of your emotions. All I want is a little bit of control.

2 comments:

Leo MacCool said...

((hugs))

Gina said...

Oh girl, I think we might be a little related, at least the "me" ten years ago. The good news is that it gets better. The bad news is that it might take a while. Thanks so much for inviting me to this blog. It might just be my new favorite. :)