Saturday, August 22, 2009

Wait, I'm not straight? (NSFW)

Here's when I knew. I like this story because I like remembering the feelings. I think it's hot. It's also my first time with a woman. It was going to be a short explanatory thing, but I'm turning it into sort of erotica, because I've always wanted to write it. It's not perfect erotica, because it didn't even go that far, and no one came, but it was a huge deal for me, and the feelings were very intense. So here goes.

I had sort of thought about me perhaps not being straight for 2 years before that, ever since I roomed with a lesbian. But I didn't spend much actual thought on it, my mind just wondered about it every so often. I was after this guy who was an aide in my student teaching room. After I changed placements, he was fair game. He invited me to his Halloween party. I thought I was getting somewhere with him. I drank a lot of cheap alcohol. I began running around with his neighbor Holly. She was cute. Short, small, and athletic. The more we drank, the clingier we got. After a while we just ran around, literally, holding each others hands asking people embarrassing questions. She ended up getting pretty drunk (I was, but it wore off quickly) and she went next door to her house to sleep. I honestly DID want to check on her even though I was mad she was sitting on the guy's lap and hogging his attention. So I followed her into her garage.

We were in her garage and she leaned up against me and wrapped her arms around me. We just hugged for about 5 minutes. For some weird reason then we were sitting on the floor and she was leaning against me. It was at least 2am and we were both tired. I have no idea how that happened, honestly. At some point, we were standing up again, and her arms went around my waist. When that happened, I touched her hair and started to stroke it (why I was doing this is beyond me, it just felt right). The longer I stroked her hair, the lower her hands got. It was so slow that it was almost imperceptible but I could feel it. I stopped stroking her hair and I put my hands on her waist. As soon as I could feel the curve of her hips under my hands, I could feel her breathing change. And when I heard that, the familiar feeling came to me. The tingling, fiery, feeling that made all of my muscles down there tense up all of a sudden. I should point out that while I was drinking, it was starting to wear off, and I was cognizant enough to take full responsibility for my actions. I'm sure I was a bit less inhibited than usual, but I knew what I was doing. As I felt her breathing change, I had a very clear conversation in my head. I said that I could do two things. I could go home now and be done with the whole thing, or I could stay and see what would happen. I was too curious to go. I didn't understand why I wanted to stay. But I did, because I didn't know if I would ever have another chance to explore these feelings.

Holly said that we should sit on the couch. We did. Who the hell keeps couches in their garages? Whatever. You know how when you are so close to someone, and you are new together and you are just hypersensitive? You can tell when someone moves or puts pressure on you even a tiny bit. We could feel this in each other and would move closer and closer until our noses were almost touching. We were in the delicious moment before a kiss, where you can feel each other breathing and are breathing the same air. Your noses are brushing and your hearing even goes a little funny. The whole time our faces are so close, I feel like I am going to just burst. It had been so long that my body had responded this way to anyone. "I have a boyfriend." she says. "I know." I don't move away. Neither does she. We don't speak again for another few minutes. Slowly, our hands simultaneously move to each other's backs. Our movements mirror one another's, taking cues from the other person's movement on our body. She moves her hand just barely under my shirt. I do the same, and continue up her back. Even though we are mostly equal, I'm the one going a bit further each time. As our hands go from each other's backs to the front, she whispers "It's OK," over and over again. And then for the first time in my life, I feel someone else's breasts. I imagined that it would feel strange, but it didn't. They were smaller than mine and felt foreign but not. I began to kiss all over her chest; her collarbone, in between her breasts, and up to her neck. She mimicked my movements on me again and I closed my eyes. We did this slowly and shyly, with the hesitation of new lovers. Why didn't this feel weird? Why didn't I feel guilty? "I have a boyfriend," she repeats. "I know. I'm sorry. But we've done so much already." Our foreheads touch and lips touch, and I almost wish I could say it was a long passionate kiss. We slowly touch lips, and I put my hands on her face. We're just trying things out, seeing how we feel, trying to fit together. Her hands run up and down my back. She puts her leg over mine and I pull her closer to me. We can't get close enough. My memory gets a little fuzzy here. The next thing I remember is our conversation.

"I even wore special underwear because I thought R was going to see it," I said. "Let me see it," she said. Holly clicked the button to turn on the headlights which flashed briefly and then shut off again, quickly revealing black lace boyshorts that I'd bought "for" a previous boyfriend right before we broke up. "Can I take them off?" I lifted myself up and she did. We wrestled with each other sideways on the couch and just explored each other. It was a surreal experience, feeling on someone else all of the parts that I had on me. She was much smaller, and inside her my fingers were surrounded by something so hot. I wondered if this was what I felt like at the time. I'd only ever let someone go down on me a few times in my life and none of those times felt very good (although I think it was a mix of bad company and inexperience). I was dismayed that I wasn't immediately ready to come. See, in the few experiences I had, they were all bad, and everything related to sex caused shame and certainly no good feelings down there at all. But I could FEEL something so I wanted all of those feelings right away. But I knew that neither of us had the energy to finish anything. I kissed her and flipped her over and did the same thing to her. I was so new at this and so worried I'd get something wrong. I did the only thing I knew to do, but saw that she was so tired and I wanted her to sleep. So we put our clothes back on and began to process what had just happened. That last part, even though it should have been the most memorable, was not. I think I was so exhausted I just coudln't remember any more.

We got up from her couch and I said "That was kinda hot." "No,"she said, "that was REALLY hot." We kissed one more time, and she walked me back to my car.

And that was it. I knew she had a boyfriend, and I wasn't planning on this being anything permanent. I was OK with it. I didn't anticipate the kind of aftermath it had, and it took me a few months to decide that yes, I was bisexual. I talked it out with Emily for a long time and she pointed out that it was the first time I'd been involved in anything sexual that didn't involve shame and pain. And it just felt so normal. The guilt I felt came from something else, I don't know what. But not that. I think I was in shock. I didn't really know what to feel. I'll get into that another day.

Note: Holly was conscious and we had conversations during all of this so I am not worried about consent. I still maintain that there was nonconsensual sex after the consensual sex in the situation I've discussed in a previous entry. I was passed out and I made it clear I didn't want to continue. OK.

I like writing things out as stories. I think I'll do that again. I already have ideas.

6 comments:

Gina said...

Excellent post. Brave AND steamy! :)

mina said...

Well now, erotica isn't all about whether or not the characters "came." It's much more. It's sensual, seductive, arousing and well... erotic. That being said this was a very sweet post. It made me feel all those "new" moments when you first meet someone.
There was no need to question yourself. It felt normal and natural and that's all that matters. Alcohol has been accused of making people do things they wouldn't normally do, but that is not true, it merely breaks down those barriers and allow you to be you. It all sounds like a wonderful experience... something I'd like to experience one day. May I also add that you are quite cute in the photos. *smiles*

Leo MacCool said...

you're tagged!

Sarah Kathleen said...

you know, in some ways, i wish we lived together now instead of back then! :)

sydney said...

Miss Emily! Your story is hot. Thank you for posting it.

Do you have a more "traditional" coming out story? If so, you should consider submitting it to shedate.com's contest - share your experiences and be proud :) Keep it up.

-Syd

Lori said...

Wow! That was yummy! I liked reading it a lot!