Sunday, September 13, 2009

OK, so if I'm not straight, I'm....

What the hell am I? I've always vehemently denied being lesbian because I can name some men to whom I am attracted, and at least for one time in August, had intense attraction to a man with whom I later had sort of consensual sex (he was whiny and pushy and sort of maneuvered himself in and I decided to let him continue to shut him up). So that right there invalidates my lesbian status. But see, here's what I've been thinking about lately. When I scope out new people, it's only women. Only rarely do I notice a hot guy. I'm more confident around women, and my relationships with Cat and Tiffany felt so blissfully normal, conversation wise. We just talked and I felt more natural. But I was telling myself that was because they were less threatening, as women, so therefore that was a case for me being straight.

And as for sex, I've only slept with one person, and that was an all around bad experience once it involved me doing any touching of any of the important areas, but maybe that has more to do with the trauma in the past. I feel like I can't be a lesbian because I WAS abused, and then it will feed the myth that all lesbians have been abused. But I can't lie and say it didn't affect my relationships. The actual sex, the act of penetration, I have no issues with that specifically, so that didn't turn me off when I was with The Creep. That was the only part that was any good because I didn't have to look at it or touch it. Again, maybe an abuse thing, maybe not. Strapons don't seem to have the same disgusted reaction with me. When I slept with Cat and Holly, I remember being sad that I couldn't really feel their arousal like you can with a man when you press up against him, but that was really the only thing I missed. Partly because it was a symbol of their attraction, and it also just created friction. So in the sex area, it's not clear either.

I don't know who I am. I don't know who will attract me with a real attraction. I do know I'm happy calling myself femme, and that I'm happy with my standard outfits of tanks and cargo pants. So hey, I'm at least clear on something!


BarbaraRyan said...

Good luck finding who you are. I think it's a life long process we all go through.

And hold on to those things that make you happy - they are important!

Sleeping with a man doesn't automatically mean you're not a Lesbian. Many womyn who ID as Femmes have in the past - it was part of their learning experience. Only you can say if you are a Lesbian or not. :-)

Anonymous said...

well, i have to disagree - i don't think there's much (if anything) that automatically invalidates your "lesbian status." but, then, i have a bad habit of thinking of everything as fluid ;)

once again, this resonates with me in a lot of ways as someone who ids as generally gay (the term lesbian just feels funny in my mouth), but is by no means strict about it. i know you asked me to elaborate on that before...maybe this explains it a little ( ). i barely discuss id at all there, but it kinda goes into the reasons i like being mostly gay (she's only *mostly* gay - and mostly gay is partly...straight? anywho...clearly, i haven't had my coffee yet)

Gina said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again....I see sexuality as a continuum. I think some people are completely straight or completely gay, but a LOT of us out there are somewhere in between, and bisexual doesn't quite cover it. Good luck finding out where you fit...or figuring out that it doesn't matter. :)

Sarah Kathleen said...

I'd have to agree. Nothing "invalidates" your status simply because labels only mean what we want them to mean anyway. I tend to think labels should apply to my actions, though, not my thoughts. I think about a lot of things, but I wouldn't want to be labeled by what I was thinking about sometimes! So while I've been attracted to and still can be attracted to men, I don't sleep or have relationships with them... hence my lesbian label for myself.

Also, don't let yourself feel like you can't admit that abuse and/or other environmental factors affected your sexuality just because it might "feed into a myth." You are who you are partially because of how you were born, but you're also who you are because of things that happened to you and around you. It's not a myth that many lesbians have been abused, and it's not a myth (depending on what study you're reading) that our population sometimes has a higher rate of past abuse compared to other populations. And so what if it did contribute to your sexual identity? It still doesn't make being a lesbian a "choice" since most of the time, we don't choose the environment we grew up in, nor do we choose to be abused.

vixen kitten said...

There are times when I don't know what to call myself either. I have had relationships with both men and women...slightly more women than men. Women attract me more....where as 1 in 1000 men I will be attracted to. Visually they rarely work for me.

I have also had a very intense relationship with a transgender women. She was pre-op, but had been on hormones for quite a long time and had implants. No one who met her would have ever guessed she started life as a man. She was stunning.

So....what does all that mean? I don't know. Labels are rarely a one size fits all kind of thing. I just let my heart rule and go with what feels right at the time.

Wonderful post, Sugar.