Monday, September 21, 2009


Turns out I do know what to write about. I was lying in bed, trying a new relaxation technique I learned in therapy today. I'm on Risperdal, which is an anti-psychotic. It's pretty common these days, especially in children (don't get me on my high horse about heavy duty meds in children). I think I might be ready for the next dose. I'm getting more tense again. I'm not psychotic really, just a little bit. Thought disorder generally means schizophrenia and speech patterns, but in me, he talks about it in terms of my thought trains. They don't match up. My thoughts are totally disorganized and I get flustered so easily trying to think things through. I don't always get reality and I misinterpret things. That's low level psychosis. I don't hallucinate, I'm pretty firmly grounded in what I see and hear, but my thoughts don't take the normal pathways so an anti-psychotic could help.

Why am I so open about this? I don't know how NOT to be. And this is a safe space for me. I need someone to read about this, or if nothing else, I need a place where I can write about it.

So on to the problem, which is why I am writing.

When I was a teen, I started to hate praying because I could hear voices coming right back at me. I never regarded this as anything, and never answered yes when doctors asked me if I heard voices. I knew it was myself and not some outside entity, including God. It's annoying to hear yourself answer right away. I wanted God to answer and I was pretty sure answers to prayers didn't work that way, especially when the answers sounded like things I could have thought of on my own.

How does this apply to tonight? As I was trying said relaxation technique, I couldn't shut up the inner commentary and motion. The exercise was to imagine three dimensional numbers, one by one, 1-10. I was doing that, and as I silently reminded myself to do them one by one (in therapy I tried to imagine them in a line and the line got too long!), I could visualize the other numbers coming up and running away. And then the commentary would start, telling the numbers to just go back and wait their turn.

Now, I know the numbers cannot hear me. I am grounded in reality tonight! And everyone talks to themselves, right? At least sometimes. What do we do on blogs some of the time? But for me, I can't turn off the commentary. It's like I'm narrating a movie of my life and it is ANNOYING. I can't relax when my mind is going like that. I can't sleep.

My mind is going and I thought maybe if I could narrate myself into my blog, perhaps my mind would shut the fuck up so I could go to bed. Can you imagine how annoying this is? I can't concentrate!

I see my doctor in the morning. The other reason I'm writing is to remind myself to tell her these things. I just sent an email to my school email of all the things I need to bring up. I'm taking the afternoon off for this appointment because she doesn't do late appointments. Sigh. Oh well. Not like I'll actually be using my sick days as sick days. I can't afford to be gone whole days! My class goes nuts.

PS- Keep scrolling and look at my photo post.


mina said...

I think it's commendable that you share yourself so openly. It will help someone else one day too. Your picture post is awesome. Loved all the different shots. I love your purple hair.

Gina said...

We actually have a lot in common. My thoughts are often jumbled and obsessive too. I haven't been sleeping well in weeks. And I also send myself e-mails to my school e-mail of things I need to do. Hang in there, chica.

B said...

Be careful. I gained LOTS of weight on Risperdal

Miss Emily said...

Thanks, y'all. Really.

And B, some people gain a ton of weight, for others it's just a few pounds. But it's like that for every single medicine they would prescribe for my problems other than the last ditch thing I'm taking now.

But man. That Risperdal helped! I'll suck it up and go back on it if Abilify doesn't help. I'm trying to stay positive.