Saturday, October 3, 2009

What did I do with my friends?

I saw The Creep"like" a status on facebook about some mutual friend's status about going on an errand, with a bunch of smiley faces after it. She knows what he did to me. I would like to think I'm mad that she would dare even talk to him after she knew what he did, but it's not that. I'm mad that he gets to have a normal friend life. I'll get into that later. Also, my BPD makes me blow little stuff out of proportion so if it seems crazy, there's a reason.

It's weird, how I feel about him. He was not only my abuser but my thread that connected me to life. He was everything to me. I hated him and I loved him. I still feel guilty for wanting to even connect with him at times. And not many people understand that. It makes them sick and angry. I'll always feel a connection to him and I hate it. I feel guilty and I hate it. I want to hate him. I also want him to suffer. But not go away entirely, because I am still tied to him. I don't know why. I wish I understood. It's like he was a part of me for so long, and he sustained me as well as sucked the life out of me. He sucked it out, and then nurtured the thin fraying thread that was left.

I wish I had someone to call. I only have BFF and I can't just rely on her, and I don't want to. I need someone else. I cut off a lot of my friends because our values clashed, so I'm down to just BFF. Even maybe email. When I'm depressed (not even including the thing about my aunt), I need someone to call in the car while I'm going places, or an email to come back to or something. I need to just talk. And I don't really have anyone. It's lonely. Depression comes with bipolar and it can get pretty bad, and it is. Plus, with my aunt and all? It's pretty bad. And people offer but they don't think I'm serious. Oh, I am. I WILL call or email. Then they get all standoffish and I get even more depressed.

5 comments:

Gina said...

Girl. Email me. Pronto. I get the crazy relationship with the abusive ex thing. Email me.

vixen kitten said...

Hey, Sweetie,

Get in touch with me. My email is in my profile.

*hugs*
~vk~

chicadea said...

you've been a friend to me. i'd be honored to be a friend to you. have a beautiful day!

ladybrettashley said...

so, not sure i'm much use - this particular is not something i "get." but just generally speaking, always feel free to email me! (i'm a bit petrified of phones, but writing i like.) i think my email show up around here (?)

mina said...

It would make me upset if a friend of mine was still friends with someone who hurt me so badly.