Sunday, July 12, 2009

And the gender of the day is....

I felt like crap yesterday. I was angry and then becuase of what my mom said, turned into a crying little girl. I hate doing that. I feel like I'm too old for that. I should have talked to my dad. I don't know what it is with me, but I've lost patience for discussions that turn into "treasure the time we have/we love you and let's sit down and have a talk." It's part of why I go to my dad. He won't do that. He loves me, and we're very close, but he isn't warm and fuzzy. He's kind, but practical and logical. He won't start crying. I'm uncomfortable around crying adults. I don't know why. I get uncomfortable. And when I cry in front of people, I never used to care too much. But depending on who it is, and especially if it's my parents, I swallow the tears, put on an expressionless face, and suck it up. And then later I feel worse for keeping it all in. But I digress.

Today I'm channeling all of the masculine energy I have. I have a "bad day and need to feel powerful" outfit. This more relates to the whole dominant/submissive rather than butch/femme. It's hard to explain, but it's one of the first things I noticed about myself when I began to take a look at identity and sexuality.

I might stay home and eat now, but later I will go out, and feel awesome about myself.

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