Wednesday, July 15, 2009

When will I be able to be real with people? Let people see who I am and what I want and how I feel about things that are important to me?

I'm real with my dad, and Susan, and BFF, and P. And I'm real on this blog.

It seems backwards that the face I put on for everyone else is so angry and I have such a wall around me. It's easier than being me. I suppose I don't want people to assume things about me so I try hard to create this identity that is loud, but not necessarily honest.

I just don't get it. I feel stronger keeping everyone out, but it's lonely in here. The question is, of course, how do I let people in? How do I let everyone know that I'm not a mean person? My nature is nurturing and logical and practical and compassionate. I have strong opinions, but they're not as earth-shattering as I make them out to be. Those are my covers. I'm tired of them. They're getting too heavy for me to keep.


Liz C said...

The fact that you recognize your walls and are tired of them means you are getting to where you don't need them any more. Now you'll start the work of learning to let them go.

That's how I spent my late 20s and by the time I approached 30, I felt like I was almost integrated.

It's a process, though, it doesn't happen overnight because you have to experiment, trial and error. Also, you don't necessarily want to open yourself completely to everyone, so you will have to develop covers that are still honest to yourself. Although they're not really covers, I think they're called 'boundaries' by people who know about such things.

Hope I don't sound teachy, but I wanted to let you know that there's hope and I think you're on the right track!

B said...

just found your blog. i am a teacher, too, and my daughter has special needs. she just graduated from homeschool high school and is starting college. can't wait to read your previous posts!

Miss Emily said...

Welcome to the blog, B! I was reading over yours the other day and got hooked. And thanks, Liz. I'm still not sure what my boundaries are but I hope I figure it out.