Saturday, July 11, 2009

This is so fucking stupid. Maybe I'm being childish, but it doesn't change how I feel. See now when my parents were busy following me around when I was out with guys, waiting outside one's apartment for me, scouring the computer for my searches, and screaming at me when they saw a hickey on my neck, I was trusting them less and less. I told them less, and eventually told them nothing. They handled a bad situation in a bad way, and our relationship suffered for it. So did this group I belonged to. They reported me to the adult heading me (which is I suppose someone who guides and counsels you, it's complex) when I was at a party drinking underage. I was given rules like never to speak to this guy, not to date him or anyone else, and when it was discovered I had, and I'd done stuff with him, I was kicked out. They call it asking me to leave, but there was no asking. This man in charge came to my house, told my PARENTS before he told me, and then came and said he was ending my committment and that I could come back once my life was in order. Anyone who defends them hasn't REALLY seen what happens behind closed doors. They fucking demeaned me. But that's all a tangent. Ever since then, I've been afraid to tell my parents about anything in my love life, even if I simply go on a date with someone. I'm afraid they'll ground me and stop paying for me. Well, when they were paying for my school and whatnot. And here is the big one. I was living alone in this apartment near campus. I had no job, they were paying my rent, so I still had to follow a few rules. I just didn't understand how stringent they were. I was dating this guy at the time, and he was going to come visit me. When my parents found out he would be staying with me, my dad flew off the handle. We got in a huge argument and he basically said that it was not going to happen. I thought he was going to cut me off. All this for a night in the same place. I wasn't planning on sleeping with him or anything, honestly. I had a revelation while dating B about someone else, and ever since then almost no one has been good enough. Almost. But that's another story. Eventually I conceded and it turned into this big turning point where I just listened to my dad and our relationship got better and all that. My dad is pretty wise, and I come to him with a lot. But he is't infallible, and I still hold that he was wrong in that. I'm still not sure what everyone's problem was. Even if he'd stayed with someone else, if we;d wanted to do something, we would have found a way and done it. You can't control people.

What brought this on? Well, I found out tonight that when my brother's pseudo-girlfriend came to visit, this indecisive redneck over-makeuped girl who tore my brother to bits, they slept in the same ROOM with the DOOR closed. I mean, what is this?

It sounds trivial and childish. But that was a horribly painful time in my life, and the way my parents watched me like a hawk and yelled at me and basically implied I was a ho who couldn't control any impulses, it made it all so much worse. And to think I conceded to my dad that time. After all that, they decide that the rule is silly and let my brother and K sleep in the same room. It doesn't even make sense. It seems very hush-hush, the times they've told me how they know that it will all be OK, and how it's private and they won';t tell me (it sounds suspiciously like Dumbledore and Snape). I don't care WHAT you say. They're teenagers and they have hormones and I wouldn't at all be surprised if they'd gotten it on every night in the same house as my parents (although that thought creeps me out, I could NEVER do that with my parents in the same house). It just makes all the crap I went through pointless. It makes me wonder why they could place so little trust in me. I have a sneaking suspicion part of it is because I could get pregnant. My mom even told me once she didn't care that I slept over at Cat's once because we were both girls. It's all just fucked up. So when this was revealed, I knew I COULD make a scene, but quietly put my water down and walked away. I went to the basement to do launrdy, got my computer, and went outside and have been out here on my laptop ever since. I'm going to grab my laundry, wet, and take it back with me and will do it at the apartment even though it's expensive. But not without telling my mom one more thing.

When I got my tattoo, I got the Chinese symbol for purity. It has since been removed, and I won't tell anyone what it was. Emily, BFF, thought it would be a good new beginning. I was happy about that. I went home and days later when my mom found out and I told her what it was, she just scoffed at me. She scoffed, stuck her nose in the air, rolled her eyes, and said, "You? Pure? Ha." and she walked away.

I've never quite gotten over that.

1 comment:

ladybrettashley said...

ugh. hugs and stuff.
i just wanted to say that the tattoo thing made me think about the word "pure" and how, when used on people, all anyone can think about is sex. but i think some of its other definitions are nice:
"free of extraneous elements"
"not diluted with white or grey or black"
"free from discordant qualities"