Sunday, July 26, 2009

I just made myself so open I'm almost in two.

I'm still trying to learn some terminology as I read blogs from online friends who dabble in the BDSM world. I'm an outsider looking in and I have stereotypes mixed with stories without context and no prior relationship to the author. It's all very confusing. I just came across a post that differentiated between bottom and submissive (honestly I'm still trying to differentiate the two, the latter seems like it has a deeper meaning). What got me was her talking about being submissive and the trust she has for the other person to bring her to dark places and then back again whole. I can't decide if that would be a terrible thing for me, or a healing thing.

I was a victim of assault. Someone I trusted, someone I'd dated, someone with him just minutes earlier I'd been on the same page with. There was no coming back from that dark place, mostly because he didn't think I was IN one (I still don't think he knows he did anything wrong). And part of me wonders if it would help heal me, but the rest of me thinks that if I ever ever let someone hurt me physically, even consensually, it would bring back such terrible memories and it wouldn't matter how they brought me back and took care of me afterwards.

This is all speculation, really. I have no plans to seriously look into this, but it just got me thinking. Last week in therapy L and I talked about why I shut people out with my anger and why I use my activism as a crutch sometimes. I was pretty much rejected by almost everyone I trusted all at one time. The really angry entry I wrote a couple weeks ago talked about this. I had no one except BFF, and even then, our relationship was complicated because it hurt her a lot to watch me spiral downward. What I needed was support from my family and friends, not rejection, but it's in the past. What is difficult for others to understand is that though the past is behind me, and I'm not running through it in my head every day or even every week, it's still there, and your experiences change you for good and for bad. Even my mom, who is an abuse survivor (this is why I loathe my mom's sisters and her mother when she was alive but I'll never tell anyone), doesn't always understand what my problem is.

The difference between my mother and me is, well, I guess there's more than one. She suffered much more serious abuse than I ever did. And she told me she was pretty crazy for a while too. But then she met my dad, and they went off and got married and got the hell out of here for a while. I don't have someone like that. Dad grounds her. He's stable for her. He showed her how to act when she didn't have any good role models. She changed and she's strong. I can only think of one person I'd ever be willing to change for (and that's really saying something) but I don't think it's happening right now, although I'm pretty in the dark, and even if it was, I'd like to think I could do this on my own. I don't know if I can. I'd like to try.

As much as I fight and say that I am independent, I want someone to take care of me so badly. I want someone who won't break my trust. If you really care for me, I'll trust you, and I'll take your direction.

I got way off track. I was talking about why I put up walls. And I may have explained this earlier. But I'm so afraid of being rejected again and feeling ashamed for something I've done, or something I am, that I'm going to just shut out everyone right off the bat and weed out the people who might reject me later, that way I don't get involved and attached and then hurt later. I sound like I never want to change and that I don't want someone's help. I do. I want it so badly. This is me screaming for acceptance.

I was about to delete the whole last paragraph. I would hate for people to know I'm not strong on my own, like I was some weak, breakable thing. I'm an adult, I can take care of myself, and even with all this going on, I can have a normal relationship. I have. Not that things with T worked out that happily, but still. I kept my head on.

I'm not weak, but I'm not as resistant and independent as I say I am to most people.

I feel so raw right now. I need to stop writing. I'm done for the night. I'm going to go to bed and try to get enough sleep to be ready for the day.

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